Help for father of the bride

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
1216 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

fatherofthebridetobe:  RIGHT! We split out guest list almost evenly, and we are splitting the wedding with my Dad. If they insist on that many people they need to help pay. What does your daughter and her fiance think?

Post # 3
Member
1947 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I think your offer to divide the guests lists equally is MORE than fair!!!  A 330 person guest list is insane when they aren’t paying a dime!

Post # 4
Member
610 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Smithfield Center

 

I think your suggestion is definitely fair. If they want to have that many people come then by all means they can pay for them to come, but it shouldn’t be up to you to support that many people to come to a wedding. That’s an INSANE number.

Post # 5
Member
4812 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

fatherofthebridetobe:  Yup, WAY more than fair. Weddings get to be tricky biz all the way around. Very political and trying to keep everyone happy. Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
715 posts
Busy bee

Hi, <br />I think it’s very generous of you to offer to pay for part of the wedding. 

I definitly agree: your money = your rules. 

275 sounds still bigger than any wedding I’ve ever been to, so I do not find that unreasonably small. <br />I would bring up the subject in a respectful way, something like “we’re happy to help pay for the wedding. we can contribute amount xxx, paying for xxx guests. For a fair distribution, I’d suggest to give each side 50% of the guests”

Post # 7
Member
4767 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Your offer is definitely fair!! If they aren’t paying for anything they should not have a damn 330 guest list. That is insane. 

Post # 8
Member
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

First, are your daughter and son-in-law hapopy with a 275 person wedding? That’s rather large, and they may actually want something even smaller. You may want to touch base with them to ask if they really want that large of a guest list to start with. You could even offer them a fixed sum of money to do with as they please, if you are comfortable with that approach. Maybe what they really want is a tiny ceremony and reception, and a great trip (or the start of a house downpayment).

With that out of the way, 50/50 is generous. But may I suggest 33/33/33 between you and your wife, your future son-in-law’s parents, and your daughter and son-in-law? You could also tell your fiture parents in law that, while you would love to be able to afford more, 275 is your financial limit. Let them know that they are welcome to cover the full costs of their additional guests (food, beverage, invitations and postage, parking fees, etc.) If they really want those guests invited, and your daughter and son-in-law are okay with a ginormous wedding, then they can foot the bill for the additional costs.

Post # 9
Member
765 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

fatherofthebridetobe:  Holy crap I would have died if my in-laws handed me a list of over 300 people!

Top it off at 275. I think you are being MORE than generous. If someone on the grooms side complains its not enough, explain that thats all you can afford but you are happy to allow more if they are going to pay for the rest.

Seriously, I’m thinking about that number of guests and getting stressed for you… can you imagine trying to figure out a seating chart for all of that????

good luck!

Post # 10
Member
42510 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Have the wedding that you can afford.

Talk to the couple and ask them what size wedding they prefer and how they see the guest list being divided. They would probably like to invite some friends who may not land on either family’s guest list. Percentages need not be rigid. Some families are just bigger and may be closer than others.

When you decide how to allot the numbers, you can contact the groom’s parents. If they are not happy with their number of seats, the couple is ok with it and the venue has capacity, you can offer them extra seats if they are able to cover those costs.

Post # 11
Member
851 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013 - The front lawn of our church

fatherofthebridetobe:  I absolutely think that’s fair. However, I would put the ball in the bride and groom’s court. Ask them if they want a huge wedding. Explain that if they do, you’re all for it and you will be able to contribute x amount of dollars. It could be that they would rather cut back in certain areas and use the money to afford a bigger guest list. That way no one can say that you controlled the wedding or made sure you got your way. I’m sure that’s absolutely not what you are trying to do, but I know that weddings can bring out the crazy in people:) 

Post # 12
Member
1894 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I am going to assume that you are of a culture that usually has weddings that size (jewish and indian are the two that come to mind) because 330 p is a VERY large guest list

I think that the best thing to do is give your daughter and SIL a budget – hey we can give you $10,000 (or $2,000 or $200,000 whatever your budget is) and let them have some say in how this gets spent. Personally I think that about a 33% share to each parent and the B&G for friends is the most fair but it doesn’t always work out that way

Post # 13
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

275 people would be a GIGANTIC wedding here and I believe it is still quite a capacity crowd for a US wedding too. So you are more than fair in setting a cap on numbers at 275. However, I would also ask your daughter and her FI whether this is the size of wedding that they want. It might be that they are picturing a rather more modest event!

Post # 14
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee

Hi Dad,

 

  275 is still a massive wedding and to put that full financial responcibility on your shoulders is very very nice and completely resonable to put a cap in place.  And it is completely ok to say “we can only afford to cover 275”.  You can fight with not having money.  

  Set a cap, ask the bride and groom to keep it to as close to 50/50 as possible (ie: if there are more aunts and uncles on one side vs the other).  

 

MAK

 

Post # 15
Hostess
2787 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

fatherofthebridetobe:  That’s beyond fair, actually quite generous. May I mention that maybe the bride and groom should have the first day in the guest lists, maybe just give a smaller even amount to you and the groom’s family. 

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