HELP! Friend assume's she'll be MOH, will likely be crushed when I tell her…

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
42538 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

MrsKnight521:  Ask her to be a bridesmaid. She will soon figure out that she’s not going to be the MOH.

Post # 3
Member
3693 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I wouldn’t say *anything* yet. Wait to ask your bridal party until ~9 months before the wedding date. Trust me — relationships can change a lot even in that amount of time, never mind years ahead of the date.

Post # 4
Member
5017 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

MrsKnight521:  If your wedding is so far away, I wouldn’t ask anyone just yet! I would wait until a year out to do that. Things can change suddely and over time!<br /><br />If you do decide to ask sooner, just ask her to be your bridesmaid and she will get the hint. 

Post # 6
Member
239 posts
Helper bee

I wouldn’t tell anyone quite yet. If she keeps asking just say you haven’t even put a final decision on the bridal party and probably won’t until a closer time.

Post # 7
Member
287 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

I was in a similar situation as you. When my BFF got married 3 years ago, she asked me to be her MOH over her sister as I lived in the same city and we were closer. She has always assumed that she would be my MOH because I was hers. Well in my head I always wanted my sister to be my MOH. I just could never picture anyone else standing up beside me. So when I told her we were engaged and started talking about it, I just slipped the words BM for her and MOH for my sis into the conversation so she wouldn’t be shocked when I actually asked them. I sent them all a little poem and card in the mail and she called me as soon as she got it to accept and say she is so happy to be one of my BMs. Hopefully your friend will realize that regardless of where she stands there is room for many supportive people in a wedding party!

Post # 8
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

sounds EXACTLY like the situation i was in. I Swore i would be my friends MOH..turned out i was just her bridesmaid. But you know what? i was  SO Happy and relieved that i was not her MOH. She may just be acting that way, because thats how i acted just because i was so sure i was going to be the MOH and i didnt want her to be like why isn’t she excited? But you never know. justing simply tell her hey i want you to be my BM and if she says anything, then just explain to her hey me and so and so are a bit closer then we have been over the last few years but i really want you to be by my side and be a bridesmaid!

Post # 10
Member
5017 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

MrsKnight521:  We had 94 people and 7 bridesmaids and 9 groomsmen. I don’t think having 6 is ridiculous at all.

Post # 11
Member
744 posts
Busy bee

MrsKnight521:  This is one of those things that just varies wildly by family, so it’s hard to give advice.  I know some families where it would be massive, boycott-inducing drama to not include all siblings in the wedding party, and others where it would be no big deal.

If you do care about potential fallout, I would ask your closer sister and maybe your mom what they think, if you can trust them to be discreet about it.  If they are horrified, then you might want to include everyone to keep the peace.  But if they think it would be fine, then go for it…but keep in mind people surprise you all the time with how they feel about these things when it comes to weddings, so you may find that your siblings react in unexpected ways, so be prepared for that.

Post # 12
Member
681 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

MrsKnight521:  mannn, i went through like the same thing (from your first post). my only savior is that i went with all family in my bridal party, so she couldn’t really argue with that or admit she was offended. in the end, it did work out okay.

i don’t even really think you need to say anything to hint-dropper. if she pops back up and starts with the hints, just say you kept the bridal party small & intimate and she has been so busy with her life, you’d rather her just come enjoy the party without all the responsibility or something like that. 

as for your sister dilema, i got nuttin. i think the PP had a good idea, talk to the close sister and maybe your mom and see what they say. or include the sister your not close with in some other way? 

Post # 13
Member
2674 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

MrsKnight521: How do I break the news that I don’t wish to have her in the bridal party? Do I need to justify this?

Had you previously asked her to be a bridesmaid? If not, then you don’t “break the news” or justify anything. You just ask those you want to be BM’s and say nothing to anyone else. If she asks then just say “We’re trying really hard to have a very intimate wedding now so I cut my BM list down to 3. It was a very difficult decision to make and you know I’d love to have everyone as a BM but this is just what works for us. I hope you understand”. And if you remain close to her, you can always have her included in some other way with the wedding (i.e do a reading at the ceremony or whatever). Same goes for all the other potential BMs.

But, as a PP said, you can have as many BMs as you want. The size of the guest list doesn’t determine the size of the bridal party.

 

Post # 14
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I agree with the PP. Have you already asked her to be a BM? If not, there’s no problem. If you have…well then I don’t know what to tell you. Same goes for the other people that were originally in your bridal party. Have you already asked them?

As far as feeling it’s silly to have a larger bridal party when the wedding is only 130 people, I think that you should have as many people standing up next to you as you want. I’m having a small destination wedding (35 people max) and FI and I are each having 6 people stand up. Who cares? 

Post # 15
Member
770 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016 - Simsbury 1820 House

If you haven’t asked her, no problem. Though bridal party size really isn’t dictated by guest list. I’m having 5 BMs (including my MOH) and our guest list is only 60 people.

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