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Help from MOG??

posted 4 years ago in Beehive

Member

71 posts

Worker bee

empyle1 June 21, 2008 Iowa

My fiance and I are decisive people. We make up our minds and we do it, without dilly-dallying around. We recently picked out our invitations, and in the course of a week we had bought, printed and stuffed them all. We also made up a map and reserved our hotels, putting that information in the invites.

I recently found out that my fiance's mother is now upset with me because I did not ask her opinion. My fiance is her only child, so I do understand that she wants to be involved in the planning, but at the same time, I don't have to have to ask her opinion on every single thing! In my opinion, we should be able to make a quick decision on something like the invites and just do it, without having to get approval from everyone involved.

Was I wrong in making the decision and just doing it? What have you done to appease your fiance's mother?

4 years ago

Member

384 posts

Helper bee

Anti-Zilla Civil: 11-4-08 / Church: 8-8-09 Civil: Hawai'i / Church: Long Beach, CA

congrats on getting those stuffed and done!!

uuummmm, i havent done a damn thing to appease my FMIL! hahaha

ok i'm kidding really though - she's the best - she has managed to be supportive but leave us alone all at the same time. she's called and asked if she and FFIL could invite some of their friends from church who also know my FH, and all we told her was that they had a limit of 20 people...

i think i'm pretty lucky in that my FILs are pretty- hands-off when it comes to "co-mingling" our lives and their preferences verus ours, not just with the wedding, but with our lives in general. they're supportive, but not everbearing...

i've grown quite close to my FMIL - she's like one of my friends, and most of the time when we chat, it's about "women" crap, like balancing personal life and career ambition, tips on working out etc... very rarely do we talk about the wedding nnow that i think about it... and very rarely do we talk about her son... ;)

this wont be the first time you're going to "disappoint" her... and it wont be the last - it's just part of that "he's still my son" attitude, which i guess we all wont know until we have our own grown sons, right?? but then you're like "he's my husband" so it just all goes back to that imo...

keep in mind that whiel family ties are sometimes the ones that choke us, family is family, kwim?? take it in stride and dont fret too much... and you're not wrong - you're a grown ass woman!

happy planning!!

4 years ago

Member

398 posts

Helper bee

SoCalBeachGirl 07/07 Boston, MA

Sounds like you are due for a conversation with your FMIL to manage expectations. You absolutely are allowed to make your own decisions, but this woman is going to be in your life from now on, so you may as well start it off right.

You and your FI should talk with you, eat a ltitle crow and tell you you understand her feelings were hurt, and you're sorry that happened. To avoid that happening in the future, discuss what her expectations are, but definitely voice your own.

You aren't going to get every single situation out on the table, but if you at least let her tell you what she is thinking, you can go into damage control mode and figure out what you're willing to let her be involved in, and tell her the things she won't be involved in. Best of luck, it's much easier said than done!

4 years ago

Member

242 posts

Helper bee

katiethelady 8/2/08 San Francisco

marathon invitations! you go!

I think I'm a lot like you. If I find something I like, I buy it. I'm not much of a comparison shopper. Same with wedding planning -- like that venue/caterer/dress? Ok, done.

I didn't realize until well into the planning that FMIL wanted to be involved. She never told me she wanted to be involved (she's not very girly, so I just assumed she would roll with it). My mom couldn't care less about wedding stuff, so I just went on my merry way checking off the checkboxes. The catering menu had been set for months, when FI and I got a call that FMIL didn't like it. I asked why, and she said that it wasn't "formal" enough, and that so-and-so (FI's cousin's wife - seriously, 1 out of 150 guests) wouldn't like it. Big fight ensued with FI and his mom, and me ripping my hair out in the corner. Very dramatic, I know. In the end, we decided that if FMIL wanted a special menu, that she could pay for the difference. Even though FI and I do not like the changes, and it is not our taste - we made that concession to make her happy.

SO when it came to doing the invitations, I sent FMIL only the wording for her approval, but not the overall design, because that was something FI and I worked very hard on, and that was one of the things that we were adamant about having our "vision" on.

Anyway - good luck. The politics can be tough.

4 years ago

Hostess

2,683 posts

Sugar bee

suzanno 7/12/08 Richland, WA

It sounds like maybe she feels left out. FI and I are making our own decisions - and it certainly goes faster that was - but I have learned that we have to make the family feel useful as well. Maybe you could in the future show her your final cut, get her input, and then go ahead and make your own choice; that would make her feel like part of the process. In the interest of keeping the peace, I would apologize to her - let her know you weren't trying to shut her out, you just didn't know that she would want to help. And then try to include her a little. Maybe you can have her help with research on other items - florist price lists, bakery options - and take her with you and FI to a tasting or something. You're not wrong, and you and FI should have the final say, but its also nice of her to want to be involved, if you think about it (as opposed to be completely against the whole thing and refusing to even attend, for instance).

4 years ago

Member

175 posts

Blushing bee

furelysse 3/14/2009 San Jose

FI and I had just gotten into the wedding planning process. My mother and I are very close so I turn to her for everything. Though we are paying for the wedding ourselves, we don't technically have to ask any side of the family for approval. Coupling that with my FMIL living 2500 miles away, and having just met her a couple of times, I feel like she would feel extremely left out of the wedding planning process.

With that in mind, I asked FI if I should try to involve in the process somehow, either by emailing her our options and asked for her opinions or what not, FI thinks it's a great idea and is extremely appreciative to include his family in the process. Even though FI is the youngest of his siblings, this will be the first wedding in the family for FMIL. I just thought if I were in her shoes, I'd just hate to just show up and the wedding is all done. I would love to be involved in the details, just as my mother would want to be in the process as well. Just a thought.

4 years ago

Member

157 posts

Blushing bee

angiepangie angiepangie Philadelphia

I would say to what you can to appease her - listen to her ideas, tell her what you are thinking about in response and try to explain to her why you are doing what you are doing. Maybe invite her to come along for a tasting with your caterer or to look at BM dresses so that she feels more included. But in the end, it is your wedding and you have to do what is best for you and your FI.

My FMIL wants to be involved and can't get straight (or accurate or complete) answers from my FI so she has taken to calling me directly. This is normally fine since we understand that we are both strongly opinionated women and that we are likely to not agree on everything. I try to take her feelings into consideration but I know that in the end, I have to do what makes me happy.

4 years ago

130 posts

Blushing bee

Anonymous

I'm including FMIL as much as possible since this is the only wedding like wedding (if that makes sense) that any of her sons will have...

She helped us with the initial catering interviews (since my mom works weird hours, this was especially helpful), she & FFIL (as well as my mom & her husband) came to the tasting with us... She will also be coming with me to do the floral interviews within the next couple of weeks.

Would she be a little hurt if I didn't include her? Probably. But she also knows that in the end, it's about me & FH... so when we decided on the photography/save the dates/invitations etc without her, she hasn't said anything.

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4 years ago

Member

186 posts

Blushing bee

IndianBride 12/28/08

I think she just wants to be involved and feel special in her son's day. . . at the same time too much involvement is overbearing. I would try to find a balace - you could try to get her opinion on something you care less about giong forth so she feels like she is helping. With the invitation thing I would say. . .

"wow, I'm so happy to hear you want to help. We made the invitation decision quickly and did not realize you would have helped us. That great," Then you can add we will let you know next time we need help or just ask her to help wth something specific

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4 years ago

10.

Member

71 posts

Worker bee

empyle1 June 21, 2008 Iowa

Thanks for all the responses!

I think I may have to be very intentional and include her in more things, even though I would rather just make a decision and run with it. Having her upset with me is probably not the best way for me to start my married life!