Post # 1
I have been reading the boards for some time and have finally decided to write my own post because I don’t know what to do. I’m 5 months away from my wedding and having doubts, but I don’t know if what I’m feeling is just normal cold feet/wedding jitters, or something more. The reason I’m confused is that there is nothing wrong with my Fiance or our relationship. He is a truly great guy who has treated me with nothing but kindness and respect for the 4 years that we have been together. He is all the things I think a good partner would be: trustworthy, supportive, caring, funny, smart, motivated, helpful at home, good with kids, etc, etc. I feel like I have no reason not to want to marry him. The trouble is, for some crazy reason, I go through waves of feeling like maybe this isn’t the person I’m supposed to be with. I can’t explain it, but there is just this feeling that I am not as into him as I should be. But I don’t know if this is normal after 4 years (ie: the relationship is comfortable and safe, rather than exciting), as this is the first long-term relationship I have been in. I am having trouble ascertaining if I am “in love” with him. To be honest, I don’t really know what “in love” is supposed to be like. I care about him a great deal, he is my best friend, and I know that he would be with me until the end. But I don’t really feel passionate towards him and question if I feel real attraction for him. I know that the good things about him and our relationship are the things that matter and that he will make a solid husband. But should I feel head-over-heels for the person I’m about to marry? I do find myself wondering “what if” sometimes. Is my gut trying to tell me something or am I just over-thinking / over-analyzing? I do have trouble making decisions, especially big ones. I also feel overwhelmed with wedding planning. Which is another concern – I am not as happy and excited about planning my wedding and getting married as I always thought I would be. I find myself putting things off, wanting not to think about it, and getting stressed when the reality sets in that it is time to get it together and make this wedding happen.
I am so confused. Any insight you could offer would be appreciated more than you know.
Post # 3
Hmm is it that it just doesn’t feel right being with him sometimes or that you feel like you don’t deserve him because he seems so perfect? There could be a lot of factors going into this. I’ve never been through this so hopefully another bee can help who has. Have you thought of going to counseling by yourself and then having your Fiance go with you? I think you should talk to your Fiance about having jitters. Having a talk might help you to figure out where these feelings are coming from or to put you at ease.
Post # 4
- Wedding: April 2012 - St. Philip Catholic Church/Arcadia Brewing Co.
Weddings, well marriage really, are big commitments. I think it is normal to be nervous because it means you are aware of how serious a thing you are about to do. I am not sure whether or not I buy into the whole sole mates thing or the one person meant for one other person business.
That being said, I do think you should listen to your gut. Can you imagine your life without your FI? Think about the things he does that annoy you, would you rather have the opposite? Example: When Mr. Aardvark is doing something that drives me up the wall, and I think OH MY GOODNESS HOW CAN I LIVE WITH THIS THE REST OF MY LIFE!? I think about the alternative, If I had someone more spontaious and less calculating, I would have to be the one to think everything through carefully and I sure don’t want that, I like to be the free spirit between the two of us!
Does that make sense?
I don’t think any one will be the perfect partner, Marriage takes a lot of work and a lot of that won’t be fun, but I do think it is worth exploring these feeling more deeply and really being honest about how you feel.
Have you talked to Fiance about any of this?
Post # 5
Ok… from what I’ve read here I would say that what you’re feeling is normal. Like you said, this is not a new relationship. “Passionate Love” has about a two-year shelf life. After that… you are relying on “Companionate Love” which, again from what you’ve described, you have with your Fiance.
How old are you? If you are younger I would say that that may have something to do with your fear that you’re “settling” or something to that effect.
All that having been said, it does sound like this is really “getting in the way” and I definitely think you should talk about it. Have you considered talking to a psychologist. I would be a little weary of discussing it with my Fiance just yet because you don’t want to hurt him. Once you figure things out… then definitely talk to him.
Good luck… you will get through this 🙂
Post # 6
I’m so sorry what you’re going through, and send you a big hug.
of all the things you said, what worried me was the “But should I feel head-over-heels for the person I’m about to marry?”
I think the answer to this one is YES; you should.
Not feeling AS passionate as before is understandable for most people, not being excited about planning is perfectly fine for others, being overwelmed with planning is normal… not every one is the same.
but i’m afraid that not being able to state as a fact that your are in love is not a good sign before marriage. you don’t need to “understand” before hand what it is like, it’s something you just know.
Post # 7
Can you picture your life without him? Do you look forward to growing old with him? If I had any other chose in this world for a mate would you still choose him. These are the questions that I asked myself when I started having jitters. And my answers all lead me back to him.
In regards to wedding planning, its not for everyone. It’s a lot of planning and decision making and if its not your thing thats okay.There are other option other then a big wedding. You can elope or do the courthouse.
My suggestion is make a list of what you want in life (just you) and if most of your list doesnt include being with him, then maybe its not just jitters. Whatever you decide just please be sure that your honest with yourself and your Fiance.
I wish you luck…
Post # 8
I have to be honest, just because you two look good on paper, doen’t mean he’s the one. Marriage is forever and if you’re not sure, you might want to wait for now.
Granted, nobody is perfect, and every guy will have some qualities that don’t excite you. Also, over time, any relationship can get comfortable instead of all those sparks that come with early love and crushes. BUT… in my opinion, you should KNOW you want to marry him.
I was in a long term relationship with a live in boyfriend. On paper, we were great. He was reliable, tried hard, would be there for my life, and I knew he really loved me. I understood him well, we did laugh, and we could have made it work… But my heart just wasn’t in it. I always felt like he was my fall back because I didn’t have something better. I was never truly happy and content that our relationship was right for me, even though I couldn’t pinpoint anything really wrong. We ended up breaking up and now that I found my husband, there is no doubt in my mind. My husband drives me crazy sometimes, but every moment, I know I love him and am happy to be married to him. It just feels right.
So my advice, is to not break up, but maybe postpone the marriage for a year. Marriage is a big decision, and in my opinion, it’s better to talk about this and delay, then to head straight in and have regrets.
Post # 9
I think most of this is normal concerns about making a huge commitment, what does worry me about what you wrote is that you aren’t sure you are attracted to him, or that you know what it feels like to be “in love”. I think you need to talk to someone, and sort through your feelings. I highly suggest getting some help working through these thoughts, as they obviously trouble you a great deal and it is troubling that you may not be attracted to, or deeply in love with this man. No one can tell you exactly how you should feel, but you should ovioulsy want intimacy and affection from this man, you should be looking forward to your wedding night…and though not every moment of every day do we feel completley happy in our relationships…you should feel happy every day at some point, content with what he gives you….thrilled to see him at times even….and I do think no matter what flaws a relationship has, if these two people want to marry, the idea of meeting them at the alter should bring great emotion. If you feel none of these things, I think you should take pause.
Post # 10
I totally agree with @csperry2. The problem is that in marriage and in any long-term relationship, the passion and attraction will wane at different times for both of you. That is not the stuff that makes a marriage last, though. I believe that the kind of “lifetime love” that endures is a love where you make an active decision to love the person you are with every day. It’s kind of like a muscle you have to exercise. If you stop using the muscle, it can atrophy and in my opinion, that is when people stop cherishing each other and without realizing it, taking each other for granted. There is a quote that roughly says that marriage is choosing to be in love over and over throughout the course of your relationship.
Looks and passion will fade. Take inventory of the real, solid qualities he possesses which will withstand the test of time and of the ebbs and flows of your relationship. Is he a man of good character? Is he trustworthy? Does he respect you? Will he make a good father? Since it sounds like you know you have felt romantic love for him in the past, I think this is about cold feet.
Post # 11
I think you are just nervous, and it may be alittle bit of the “this is about to be forever” that is throwing you off. Ask yourself, if you and him broke up and went completely seperate ways, no communication, never saw him again…how would you feel? Would you be sad and hearbroken, would you not be able to function til you were with him, would you be sad but ok and move on?
MY Fiance does a million things that are annoying, but I do too. And I would take his million annoying things over any other mans. I could not imagine my life without him, and when I do, it honestly makes me tear up. I AM head over heels in love with him, and we’ve been together almost 6 years, and while that fades in some, it hasn’t in mine. I honestly think as the days go on, I fall even more in love with him, even though I don’t think I could love him even more. So I DO think you SHOULD be head over heels in love with the man you are going to spend forever with. Maybe push the wedding back and take the time to figure things out. You owe that to the both of you.
Post # 12
Im sorry you are feeling this way. I know it sucks to question things!!!But i think its ok. Ive been working through some issues of my own (which you probably read recently) but through all the issues i have not thought that I dont want to marry my guy. I know that i want to be with him and i want to know that whatever the problem is that we can work it out. And even though it has taken us a few talks to get to the working it out part, i still feel awesome that we can work it out. it makes me think that we will be together for the next fifty years! So back on you, I noticed that you said your not really attracted to him. To me that is a big red flag. Does that mean you dont enjoy being intimate with him? If he doesnt know that then i feel a little sorry for him. you’ve been together for 4 years, has it been like that the whole time? because intimacy can fade a little and come and go but you should be having some fireworks moments at times! When your wondering “what if” what are you thinking about? What if what? What if you leave him and find someone new? Or what could i do if i wasnt with him??? p.s i think that the wedding planning excitement comes and goes. i dont know if anyone is 100% excited and thrilled to plan throught the entire engagement! i hoep any of my comments dont offend and arent insulting. im not an expert!
Post # 13
Thanks everyone for your comments. It’s weird… after writing my post, I actually felt a sense of panic at the thought of not being with Fiance. So to answer the question asked by some, no… I don’t think I could picture my life without him. And I’m not necessarily questioning if I love him or not…I know I definitely love him but I’ve just heard people speak of “I love the person, but I’m not IN love with them” and wondered what that might mean. And I do feel excited for the future and moving forward with our lives. I think I just take marriage so seriously that I am almost afraid of making a wrong decision. As for the attraction thing…I more so meant the passion comes and goes and I don’t have a consistent desire for him. It’s not always like that though and I did feel it for him in the beginning. I don’t dislike being intimate with him… our sex life is good and I do think it can only get better. Just wanted to add some more info about that!
I’ve tried to keep our wedding relatively small (a challenge with my big family)…but it can still feel like a lot some days, especially with a DIY outdoor wedding.
Oh, and for your reference, I just turned 26. Maybe that’s part of it – That I don’t feel like I’ve experienced all there is to experience. But, I know that I’ve found one of the good ones and when it comes down to it I really don’t think I’d be willing to give that up just to see what else is out there (the “what if” I referred to previously).
Post # 14
Just in response to this: “I love the person, but I’m not IN love with them”, you would know. Trust me on that one. I have loved someone and not been IN love with them and it feels so different– kinda like your best friend and the rest of it is just “eh”. I think that being IN love with someone means that you want to be with them like you might be with your best friend (vent, spend time, hang out), but you also enjoy and want the special parts of being in a relationship (knowing each other intimately, special bonding moments, feelings OF love, etc).
I think getting married in general, it is a daunting idea that you will not have another chance to find what else it out there, but if he is the one, it shouldn’t be terrifying, but simply a thought that might pass through.
If you are really, truly not sure you want to marry him, or if you want to marry him but don’t know if you want to do it right now, why not push back the wedding a bit and go to a private councillor to discuss your feelings?
Post # 15
This just sounds like cold feet to me I’m sorry you are going through this, but I imagine you will come out on the other side much stronger for it.
Post # 16
Although a little too uptight, I remember Dr. Laura advice and have used it as the test in relationships. …. If I won 50 million dollars tomorrow, would I stay with him?
I went through a number of long term relationships, but I also wondered if this was the right person. I can’t tell you how many times, I thought .. oh I’m just too picky, oh I’m a handleful he won’t be able to handle the real me.
I didn’t meet that person that made my heart flip until I was 43. I have been with Fiance for 4 yrs, and I can’t wait to be near him, I miss him when we are apart. He is on my mind constantly. Sure we have hiccups and arguments, but I have never loved anyone, nor been loved by anyone like this before. It is the most incredible feeling and looking back on 20+ years of dating and committed relationships, not one of them was “the one”, Fiance IS without a doubt. Another thing, due to odd circumstances, we have sometimes ended up on the same project, being together 24/7 and I have never once needed space, to me, that says it all.