- 7 years ago
- Wedding: August 2011
Hi, so I really need some advice asap.
I am engaged to my SO for over a year and we’re supposed to be getting married in 3 months. I need some serious helpful suggestions and advice. I’ve only had 2 prior relationships before my SO , one for 4 years and one for 6 months, and now we’ve been together for 2 years. So heres the deal. we have known each other forever (almost a decade) but have a bit of an age gap so were never really looking to be serious though liked each other, we were in other relationships for a long time. when i broke up with my long term bf, i got in touch and he had literally just broke off a 5 year relationship the week prior and thought sure why not i need to get out again. we saw each other for a few weeks but I wasnt taking it seriously and he got freaked out how much this was turning into a relationship so quickly that he called it off and I wasnt really bothered by it because i wasnt looking for a long term bf. he used an excuss that his ex gf came back into his life and it got rekindled and had to call it off (he later said he made this up because he said he thought if he was just scared to get into a relationship so quickly that he would sound stupid) (we’re both awkward in understanding relationships and the opposite sex haha)
he ended up having a winter fling that didnt last when she told him she was just having fun, and he was a little crushed because she built up some of his confidence after the privious one tore into his personality for 5 years.
In the summer we reconnected again and started hanging out, nothing too serious as I didnt think he was looking to commit to me since what happened in the past and so I was seeing someone else and treating this more like a friendship. he in turn went to a party with a girl his friends tried to set him up with and went on a few dates with.he then invited me to a party as his date, that I later learned he had invited his ex gf of 5 years to (from what i found in his email….i know i know) he said she asked about the party since she knew the friends but decided not to come since he feels she might have felt it would be too odd since theyre not together and might be hard for her to deal if we were both there since shes a bit of a nutjob. but then i feel like i was his second choice to go. he said he just didnt want to make it awkward and he doesnt know what he would have done if she said she was going, he says its too long ago and it didnt work out that way, she didnt come so he cant guess at the “what ifs”
this ex has some issues, and treated him pretty badly, but convinced him they should still be friends even though he was not allowed to be friends with any ex’s she could be. she called him every 3 months after they broke up to just check in, and he said he never told her he loved her and reaffirmed it was over anytime she started whining.
fast forward 3 months later and we are hanging out more often and i ask what this is if we’re together or just friends, he said he was thinking we’re together. so the next few days i let the other person i was dating know i still had feelings for someone and that we couldnt continue (it had only been a few dates)
so now we’re dating and I’m really happy with everything and finally giving my all in a relationship. we started dating in october and in dec he went away for christmas to see his family for two weeks, he sent me pictures of him with the family and talked about me to them etc. I told him I was falling for him in janurary and he told me he felt strongly but couldnt say it so early after being burned in the past.He tells me a month or so after that he is in fact in love. I find out in march or april, that back in dec he went to a dinner with the ex, it was written in his calender as dinner and movie, though the movie never happened. she was an hour late and so he had ordered his meal but she came and felt bad and ordered somethign and paid for his for being late and to celebrate his bday. he never told me and only awknowledged it when i confronted him about it. I couldnt help but feel like this was cheating, though he says and i know he didnt do anything i still feel like a dinner date that you dont tell your SO about is cheating. He said he went to gloat because she made him feel like he was worthless when they were together and he went for selfish reasons to say how amazing life was going etc but FAILED to mention he had a gf. he said he didnt want to make it awkward in that way as if thats all he came to throw in her face and that since he knew it was over and he felt nothing for her he just wanted to show her hes better off now as his lifes progressed after them and move on. I then got mad over him still having pictures and his ex’s phone numbers in his phone and he deleted all of them, said he hasnt cleaned it out in over 7 years of having the phone
we didnt break up, he just said he was really really sorry and was only thinking of himself and can understand everything i felt. she called like clockwork 3 months later, he picked up because the phone number was not in his phone anymore so he didnt know who it was, and he called me right after and told be exactly what was said, he was distant and said they shouldnt talk because he was in a great relationship.
we didnt hear from her for months and months, then she messages his a random message and he was just pissed off at it at this point and told her we were now engaged*true) and to stop contacting him. he then changed his phone number.
now its been 2 years since the “date” and all this went down and he has been nothing but amazing and treating me like gold and has never given me any reason to distrust him again since that day, and yet i cant shake all the insecure questions i have about why he went, the party, why he didnt tell me, and even disecting how i think they interacted and what it ment and he says he doesnt remember he just wanted to showoff a bit. He said i couldnt have done anything differently that it was all him, and there was nothing missing in our relationship. i know she treated him poorly for the 5 years but he isnt a rude person and doesnt ever want to tell someone off he wants to be adult about it. he asked me before he was planning on proposing whether i think i can forgive him for it and i said i could, so he later proposed and we have been having a great time planning the wedding. his parents are huge into photoalbums and have everything documented and even though he did a sweep , sometimes we pass a picture of her and all the hurt and anger comes back up. so even though nothing has happened since, i get angry as if it were yesterday all over again.
i want to know whether i should forgive him for going on the date since nothing happened between them physically or any emotional conversation, and how to do it. what do i make of the party? Ive never forgiven someone for something that hurt a lot, and dont have enough relationship experience to know what or how to deal with these things. i love him, and i do think he’s sorry for what he did. i think i build him up as this bad person in my head when i get lost in the anger and think he did certain things and said certain things when he actually didnt. please give me some advice, am i justified in breaking us up for something that happened in the first 3 months of our relationship? he said he was messed up because of things she said about him and treated him and because of her issues didnt want to make her have anxiety attacks about the party and the date when it comes to someone else (shes an emotional mess) and some of his reactions to my comments are things he remembers her saying and get him upset, and he says he would never ever would go near her now even if he had the chance he wants nothing to do with her, now that he’s built himself back up from years of being put down and only finally realizing it when they broke up. he said he wanted to sting her, not hurt me
I dont know, my feelings and emotions are all mixed up. i dont want to stay if it makes me look weak and as if i can be walked all over. but i dont think he would ever think that, and he says he rather me leave himif it means ill be happier and not deal with the demons of the night even though he’ll be crushed. he just wants me to be happy, and no matter what he does if it cant make me happy then he doesnt want to cause me harm for the rest of my life.
i feel like he is such a geniuine person and we all make mistakes, and that as soon as he realized what he did could cost him me , he made sure to do whatever it took to prove his love whether it be confronting her on the phone, he says he knew i was the one for him for life shortly after january and if he could erase history he would. he says he has so much pride in his loyalty and has always been faithful, and the one time he shows off and tries to be more proud he ends up hurting the one person he wishes he didnt.
As much as im pissed about the party invitation, I was seeing someone else, so although he didnt know i was, i didnt know what he was doing too…so i feel i cant be hypocritcal about that
we’ve been together now for years after the event so i feel like i should be getting over it, but any picture etc i stumble across at his parents or family it all floods back. the pictures will be there, i mean they were together for a long time and she went to functions and weddings etc. I just dont know
part of me feels im justified to be angry, it is cheating, but im childish in punishing him for years onward for something he is sorry for and hasnt given me reason to be angry again
and a part of me is wondering if its my lack of experience thats either keeping me from running or from making me feel like running. now our wedding is in 3 months and i need to figure this out. can i move on from this? ***is this as big of a deal as i make it out to be???
the only thing we ever argue about is when i get into a mood or start a fight over the past and he feels helpless and pushed against the ropes because he cant change anything even if he wishes he could.
I have hope in us, but I need to know how to deal with cheating at the beginning of a relationship, does it matter if hes committed to me for life? is emotional cheating then worth ruining something otherwise so great? how do i learn to move past this, and forgive.
would you forgive in this situation? an otherwise great man that admits to making stupid mistakes among 3 months and cant explain it because its so different than his character overall (ive known him for 9 years….what he did to me, was a first, and is really against what he is as his own values and ethics)
if i commit to forgiving, should we still get married so quickly after?
what do i do? i need some serious help and dont have the friends and family to turn to.
what i do want- is to forget ever learning about this, smack his head and move on together. but i feel like my emotions get the best of me, and i dont know what to do with them. help!