help help help! Not sure what to do

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2162 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

No, you should not marry him like this. If he goes to rehab, sure, your should marry him. His drinking problem isn’t going to fix itself and he doesn’t sound like he wants help. You can’t force him to get help. I would keep pushing for it, but honestly, you should consider leaving.

Post # 4
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Maybe it would be good to get some counseling together? If he refuses I would go alone.

Post # 5
Member
1988 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

It sounds like he definitely has a drinking problem, and trying to pin it on you, too! 

First of all, he doesn’t drink because you’re grumpy, trust me! I mean, everyone is grumpy sometimes but that doesn’t mean their partners must all go and drown their sorrows in alcohol, right? That’s an excuse, and a bad one!

What I would do is catch him in a good mood and sober, and then have a talk about the drinking. Approach this nicely, in a composed manner, be firm but don’t yell at him. Tell him you’re worried about him and his health. Look online and recite to him all the negative effects excessive drinking has on one’s health. Tell him you’re worried sick when he’s drinking because you’re up all night wondering whether he’s got himself into an accident. Tell him that you love him more than anything else and would love to marry him but you need to be able to rely on your husband to be there for you and you can’t do that when you never know whether he’s gonna show up drunk. 

See if that conversation changes anything. If he continues to drink, postopne the wedding indefinitely and tell him you’ll only marry him if he goes to counseling and fixes his problem. Give him a time line to do that. Tell him that either he does what you’re asking or you’ll leave. If he cares for you at all, he will seek help. 

You don’t need a husband that cares more about the bottle than his wife! 

And (((HUGS))) to you for having to deal with such a difficult situation.  

Post # 6
Member
2992 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Yeah my xe used to claim he was not an alcoholic because he did not drink every day but he also binged drank like your FI. Well six DUIs later and several times in jail – he can not get a job, and literally lives under a bridge (post break-up). Yeah he used to shower me with gifts the first few years of our relationship too. Should you marry hi?. IMO, no.

Post # 7
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I suggest counseling not just because there’s an issue but sometimes you need a third party to work out the kinks and better your communication as a couple.  From the way you describe it sounds like he may have a drinking problem and if that’s the case it doesn’t look like he’s ready for help at this point.  If you do decide to marry him you have to know that the problems are only going to intensify once you get married and if he has a problem drinking now he may turn into a heavier drinker later. 

Post # 8
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

It sounds like thee are to seperate issues: his drinking, and his feelings about your relationship. They both need to be dealt with (seperately) before you should move forward with getting married. It’s hard for a bunch of strangers on the internet to diagnose your FI as an alcoholic: we don’t know him, or your situation. Your best bet is to go see a counsellor, and see what they have to say.

Post # 9
Member
457 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Sweetie, take it from someone who has dealt with this issue, you do NOT want to tie yourself to an alcoholic. And from your description, he is an alcoholic, despite his denials – which are par for the course for alcoholics.

My 20-year first marriage broke up over this issue. He wasnʻt an alcoholic in the beginning, but after surviving a serious health crisis, he took to drowning his sorrows with booze. I pleaded for AA, counseling, all the same things you have done, and of course he denied he had a problem. Things came to a head when he almost killed himself, our 5-year-old son and another small child after taking them out in the car when he was drunk.

He eventually remarried and his second wife actually convinced him to go to AA for a while. She really tried to work with him because she loved him dearly, but after 2 years of backsliding, she divorced him.

Is this the life you envision for yourself, struggling with an alcoholic (especially one that blames it on YOU, which my ex never did), followed by a painful divorce?

No, I didnʻt think so.

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