Post # 1
I really need help, I am getting married in less than a week and a half!!!
I have always wanted a small wedding. We are going to be married overseas, where his family is from, so I have only about 12 family members and a few friends from home attending. We decided on 200 guests to accomodate his parents friends. I was clear from the begining that we have about 100 of our friends and family coming, and that they are welcome to invite 100 people. (By the way, we are splitting the cost 3 ways, with my parents, his parents, and him covering about a third each although my family has a lot of travel expenses).
Anyway, a few days ago I asked for their final list with contact information for the automated RSVPs….and I saw that they had invited 200 of their own friends!!!!!!! This is double what I had said they could do.
We had spoken about this issue many many times and I always enlist my fiance to remind his mother that she can’t invite everyone, but this still happened somehow. I am depressed because I believe a wedding should be only close friends and family, and I was already uncomfortable with being the center of attention of 200 people, but now there are over 300 who have been invited!
I insisted that they have to disinvite people because I don’t want to be uncomfortable and surrounded by strangers at my own wedidng, but now everyone is really mad at me. I want to stand my ground, but I am so sad to be fighting with his parents.
What do I do?
Post # 2
I am so sorry, did she actually mail them invites? How did she get the invites? Did she have her own printed up? Discuss with FDH, but if all she did was tell people they would be invited, she may have to back down.
Post # 3
You tell your asshole in laws that they were completely out of line and that this isn’t their wedding. I’ve never understood parents who make their kids nuptials all about them. They need to contact every single one of those 100 people that they so rudely invited to and explain that they had a lapse in judgement and that they have to rescind the invitation. Even if they were willing to pay for those 100 people, it’s still not fair to you since you don’t want these people there. This is your wedding, not theirs.
Post # 4
How the hell did they conjure up an extra 100 invites? No invite sent by you, no entry.
That is incredible rude of them.
How does this work with food? Or the venue?
Post # 5
Your wedding is in a week and a half and you are just finding out now that they invited an extra 100 people? What the hell????! I don’t even understand how that works.
honestly I would dump it on his parents’ shoulders to fix.
Post # 6
What is your fil’s culture?
Post # 7
Tell them to uninvite the guests, then hire some beefy security for the wedding. If they are not on the list, they don’t get in. Period. His parents can deal with any aftermath since it’s a mess they created.
Post # 8
- Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA
Holy shit, girl. I don’t know what to do. Elope?
(I totally empathize – I have nightmares that my FMIL will do this …)
Post # 9
I’m way confused. How were they invited? Why are you just finding out now? What does your husband have to say about this? Is this typical in his culture? Who are the 100 people from your side if you’re only having 12 family and a few friends?
Post # 10
- Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY
“We had spoken about this issue many many times and I always enlist my fiance to remind his mother that she can’t invite everyone, but this still happened somehow.”
I’m confused too. If there were known issues about his mother inviting everyone, why did you request their final list just days before the wedding?
Post # 11
summer92: Just call the inlaws and tell them either they contact 100 guests and tell them what happened and that they’re uninvited through no fault of yours or that you will elope and they wont be there either.
Post # 12
I didn’t insist on managing her list because I dont know and have never met any of these people anyways. I thought that by contnually reminding them of their number of guests would be enough and I felt it was a big help to have her take care of her own invites…clearly a BIG MISTAKE!!! Besides, his father kept promising me not to worry that we would be within the limit, and I trusted him. I got their list now because we have an automated system for the final RSVPs 2 weeks before and I had to upload their guests into the system myself.
The venue can hold up to 400 and needs the final number only a week before. This is what is causing all of the fighting, his parents keep saying why are you making us do this? And making us feel bad. My fiance is so tired of fighting with them over this issue and I am depressed because we have never fought over anything is the past and I feel like this is really affecting our relationship.
Post # 13
You are making them do that because they had a number limit and should have respected it. Also, your FI should be handling his family, not you. That is super important. ALWAYS have him manage his family and you manage yours to cut down on negative feelings and mangled communications. (that is the rule my FI and I live by and was blessed by a couples counselor).
As for the venue. I agree with you that you have a list and will dislike the strangers. I hate crowds and wanted to elope but since my fi is the first child, we decided to go ahead and do the wedding thing. I think you are in the right. However, for peace you could give a bit. How many of the 200 RSVPd yes? If there is 120 yeses is that good enough?
Post # 14
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
Tell them they can pay for all 100 of those extras.
Post # 15
Thank you so much for your advice, I have said I am willing to go up to 220 – 230, but they are still arguing about it 🙁