Post # 1
I guess I have to preface this with a bit of a background. When FI and I first got engaged, after a couple months of looking over bridal magazines I realized I was not into any of the wedding-related stuff. I guess I thought being engaged would magically make it so, but I am not a wedding person. So I suggested we have a destination wedding, few people, no fuss, usually the resort does everything for a flat fee… FI did not go for it at all. He HAD to have a wedding with all the trimmings and his entire giant family there. Okay, whatever, I understood that, and even though I hate planning the wedding I do it because I love him and I want this to be the best day of HIS life as well as mine. I settle for planning a fabulous honeymoon, the only part I truly care about besides actually getting married.
Now he wants to go to Ontario (where his family is from, we both live in Alberta – more than 1000 km away) after the wedding. Why? So we can have a second reception with HIS family, of course! I don’t see the point of this. The people he’s really close to will make the trip, the people who don’t….it’s not like it was short notice! We’ve had our date picked out for six months and the wedding is not for another 18 months. I know he is feeling pressure from his mom about it. She wants to pay for the other reception, but we’d still have to pay to get there and for accomodation. We could stay with the family, but let’s face it, we’ll be newlyweds.
This visit would probably be about a week long. I am just getting started in my career this September, so I probably won’t have all that much (if any!) vacation time. I don’t want to take unpaid vacation or use up some of my 2 weeks to go visit family members who didn’t bother to come. Financially and time-wise, the trip would put a huge strain on our ability to take the fabulous honeymoon I have dreamed of, or even just any old two week vacation. It might even make a honeymoon impossible until the next year.
As a bride who was only looking forward to being married and getting to go on a great trip with the new Mr., this is not an option. I have discussed my feelings with my FI, but he is not really bothered and wants to do it. I feel like I am sacrificing every idea I had of my "dream wedding" so he can have his, and now he’s ruining the honeymoon that I had looked forward to. All he says is that we could have taken more time so we could afford to do both but we didn’t. Well duh, we didn’t plan on doing that in the first place!
I’m really frustrated and I don’t know what to do. When I bring up all the things I wanted that I gave up in favour of this big wedding, he gets mad and hurt that I don’t enjoy the idea of the big wedding. Why are all the compromises mine here? Or am I overreacting?
Post # 3
The wedding is supposed to be about the two of you and what makes you BOTH happy. It should not make you feel guilty about your ideas and opinions. Speak up or forever hold your peace.
I think a trip to his family after the wedding is a bit much. That is "your" time together. A trip to see the family can be done at a different time.
You are not over-reacting !
Post # 4
Let me get this straight. He wants two weddings? And he wants you to plan them and sacrifice the wedding/honeymoon of your dreams? I’m sorry, but you can’t tell me that he’s dreamed of that sort of wedding. (Sorry for all of the sarcasm) It sounds like his mother has influenced his thinking. He needs to meet you halfway. I would suggest that you have the first wedding and then get your dream honeymoon. No one needs TWO weddings. Tell him he can have another when you divorce him. 😉
Post # 5
You know, it might seem weird, but talk to his mom about it. Not in a behind-his-back sort of way, but does she know your feelings on it? If she’s understanding in the least, then maybe she’ll not pressure your FI as much. Maybe you could have something on your one year anniversary with his family? That would give it a year in between, which would make more vacation time for you. If nothing else works, you can always tell your FI "No, I don’t think that I’ll be able to do the trip for another wedding."
Post # 6
I personally would talk it over with the fiance again, but don’t say you aren’t content with the idea, bring other ideas to the table.
You could present it in such a way as to not say irritable or troubled. I would simply state, I love your family which is why we are having a wedding in our hometown. I can’t wait to be surrounded by OUR family, but I think after 24 months of engagement, I also can’t wait to go to <insert desired option here>:
- 7 days in Tahiti or Bora Bora
- 7 days cruising the Bahammas
- 10 days Eurorailing Eastern Europe
Whatever your hearts desire. Bring pictures and cost, etc. Compromise with him and say I would love to see all of your family at the wedding and I think over christmas (or other date of your choice) would be more ideal for us, after we have spent some time together decompressing, that is the point of the honeymoon (not to entertain your family).
Post # 7
I don’t think you are over-reacting at all! I don’t think it’s fair that he expects you to make all the compromises. Definitely stand your ground!
Also, is there any reason he can’t be the one to plan his dream wedding? Why should you have to do all the work for something he’s insisting on?
Post # 8
I would calmly have a convertation with him that you feel like it is a bit much to go visit the relatives after the wedding to. Just nicely explain to him how you feel, without placing any blame just say ‘ i feel like’ or something that doesn’t make him feel like you are ‘attacking’ him. Tell him you feel like you have comprimised on the the wedding and could he please reconsider going to visit the family? Just explaing why and rememeber to try not to get frustrated.
Post # 9
Is there a reason this second reception has to happen immediately? Presumably you’ll visit his family within the year after the wedding (maybe the holidays), could it be tacked on then? If it’s a holiday/reception party, it might feel better for you since it sounds like you’re not that into the whole big bash in honor of your commitment thing anyway…
Just a thought.
Post # 10
Like you, I wanted to do the destination wedding thing, but FI wanted the wedding. I am in grad school and work (while I am planning). It’s been tough! Now, we’re less than a month from the big day, and I now more than ever wish I had put my foot down about the destination wedding. FI has seen all that I have had to do and the stress that it has put on me, so he now admits that he should have listened!
As for the thing with your FI’s family. What can I say? Families get CRAZY about wedding stuff. I know mine and his both did. That has probably caused me the most stress dealing with all of them! Just don’t ever be afraid to say "NO" in a nice way b/c you’ll be around them forever. You don’t want to get off on the wrong foot, but you have to be firm with what you want.
Post # 11
I agree with the others – if he wants the big fancy wedding, he plans it. You can plan the honeymoon. My FI did not go for a destination wedding at all, but I’m perfectly happy to have a wedding here so I’m okay with it.
You are not being unreasonable. Tell him that instead, you should go on your honeymoon, and then later, when you have more money, you will go visit his family in Ontario. Explain this to his mother as well; and also explain that it is not just a question of travel and accomodation, but that this trip will be very expensive for both of you – because what you do or don’t earn at your new job now goes into the amount of money that the two of you have.
Maybe you can offer to go visit his family for the holidays instead? Throw a big new year’s party for everyone, so you get to see them then, but you don’t have to make it a whole second wedding?