Post # 1
I feel like a horrible person, but my half-brother has tortured me a good part of my life, he’s a master manipulator and isn’t happy unless he’s messing with someone. I don’t want him to come because I know he’ll most likely make me cry, humiliate me or infuriate me which he has done without fail (he even made sure to put me down at my grandfather’s funeral) and my Fiance will likely kick the living snot out of him and the nightmare of the potentially ensuing chaos is stressing me out.
How do I not invite him and make it clear to other family members that he is NOT welcome. I feel like some will tell him all about the wedding thinking I’m in error and he should be there. It’s tempting me to elope even though I really need to have my family there or it will feel wrong (my parents, my little sisters, my aunts who helped raise me and close cousins I grew up with). I don’t know how to invite all of them and leave out a sibling. I am also thinking of leaving out my half-sister, who I haven’t seen in years because she might pick I fight with our mom.
(If if makes I difference I’m aiming for a guest total of 30-40)
Post # 3
Well, this isn’t going to be overly helpful on how to not invite, because I think you should invite them. They are your siblings. I’m very much of the opinion of if you invite 1 or 2, you have to invite them all.
But, if you choose to not invite them, you have to be able to deal with the backlash. Going the sneaky route is not the way to do it. Eventually, someone is going to spill the beans that you are getting married and they aren’t/weren’t invited. If you can’t tell them to their face they aren’t invited, and are relying on others to keep the secret for you, you aren’t ready to exclude them.
Post # 4
This person has been physically and emotionally abusive and I don’t know how to face them on a regular basis let alone keep them from crashing (yes, I honestly believe him capable of driving 1600 miles to get back at me if he finds out where it is), I don’t want to have to elope and leave out the rest of my family just to escape him!
Post # 5
I agree with a PP that this isn’t something you can try to sneak around or it will look like you made a mistake. Talk to your parents about it and see what they think. Be honest with how you feel and tell then you don’t want him there. And then tell him he is not invited if it comes up around him. Be ready for backlash though, I am sure there will be some in your family that will not think you are doing the right thing.
Post # 6
OP, in light of the abusive history you have with him, I wouldn’t want to invite him either and at that point you have a right to NOT invite him. However, you need to be the one to tell him he isn’t invited. You can’t just not tell him and hope no one else does either.
If you are THAT concerend he’d drive that far just to crash your wedding, hire security or enlist someone that understands why he isn’t invited to keep watch. You shouldn’t be worrying about that on your wedding day.
Post # 7
Just be honest that you don’t want him there and don’t sneak around. If you feel genuinely concerned for your safety you can always hire security to keep him away. You do NOT have to invite people who have abused you, family or not.
Post # 8
This may be exactly what you don’t want to do.. but I heard about this couple that invited all their friends over for an engagement party, but surprised them when it was actually the wedding. Not even the bridesmaids knew until the day of. Since you’re having such a small wedding you could probably get away with not inviting them to the engagement party/wedding. Just a thought!
Post # 9
@lionskitty: I wouldn’t invite him either if he gives you that much anxiety. I would also call him or send him an email saying that he is not invited and state your reasons why.
Post # 10
@KatyElle: Totally agree. Honesty is best.
If he tries to retaliate, make sure you have security not only at your ceremony, but at your reception as well. I know it might seem excessive, but you certainly don’t want him coming to ruin your day.
Post # 11
@lionskitty: I am in the same situation and I definitely feel your pain! My brother is a pretty bad person, and we have had some rough times with him. My brother is one to only come around when he needs something, and then always ends up causing problems within my family before disappearing again until the next time he needs something. I have not talked to him in about a year now, so I don’t think he even knows about the wedding, but I haven’t specifically told him he isn’t invited. BUT everyone in my family knows how I feel about him, and knows that he shouldn’t be there, so I don’t have a risk of anyone inviting him.
I also will give his name and picture to the front gate at the zoo I am getting married at, so they know not to let him in to the reception.
Post # 12
@lionskitty: Since your guest list is so small, you could maybe call everyone and personally tell them your half-brother is NOT invited and do not mention ANYTHING to him. You appreciate their willingness to help you on your special day.
Also, by all means, hire security for the day and have someone standing by that will help security identify the man. Maybe have your wedding at a winery or bed and breakfast. I know there are great ones here where I’m from.
If you must, just have a private ceremony with your mother and your closest friends and then have a small celebration afterward for your family.
Post # 13
I’m sorry you have to stress about this when you are planning your wedding..I actually think that you telling him not to come isnt the best plan. If he is combative, he may show up just to spite you. I think you should tell your aunts and whoever else is close to you on your guest list that he is not invited and is not permitted to be there.
Post # 14
Thank you all, I don’t know if we can afford security but Future Brother-In-Law is an orderly and accustomed to wrangling mental patients so maybe I can ask him to keep an eye out (hopefully not needed but may make me feel better). Not sure about location but if it’s gated in anyway I will leave his name a picture at the front as suggested. If my half-brother confronts me about it I’ll tell him to his face that he’s not invited but I’m trying to avoid him in all situations at all costs now. Maybe asking an understanding aunt to talk to the others too will help them understand I have good reason and it’s not just a tiff.