Help! How to not include my mother in my wedding

posted 2 years ago in Family
  • poll: What would you do in the same situation?
    Have the wedding in Australia and invite her because she's my mother : (2 votes)
    5 %
    Have the wedding in Australia and don't invite her : (6 votes)
    15 %
    Have the wedding in Bali and invite her, even though she won'e be able to come : (4 votes)
    10 %
    Don't invite her to any choice : (29 votes)
    71 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    1750 posts
    Buzzing bee

    If she really is how you say she is, I see no reason to invite her to the wedding at all, no matter where you have it. 

    I don’t think you need to go through the trouble of having DW wedding and losing out on having supportive friends and family members there just so that you can say you invited your mother. 

    If she’s rude, unsupportive, and would likely cause problems, don’t invite her. She may be your mother, but that doesn’t mean she gets invites to important events automatically. Behavior trumps familial relation. She’s been awful, according to what you wrote, and that means she shouldn’t be at your wedding. 

    If you want her in your life and not inviting her would prevent that, then you may have to go with the DW wedding plan. I think starting this new part of your life without the negativity she brings would be better, frankly.   

    Post # 3
    Member
    1242 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

     

    FutureMrsPrior:  In my opinion, I don’t care if you’re my birth mother or not. If you disrespect me, or treat me like crap- you will not be in my life.

    I guess you could do one of two things. One-Invite her, but have a talk with her before stating she needs to behave or she will be told to leave- no exceptions, no nothing. One mistake and she’s gone. Two-Don’t invite her, don’t deal with the BS she will create on the best day of your life, but expect to deal with the aftermath.

    Or, like you said- go over seas knowing she can’t afford it. BUT there is always a chance that she would all of a sudden “come up with the money”.

    It almost sounds like regardless of what you chose, there will be some sort of drama with her, which really sucks. Hopefully everything works out.

    Post # 4
    Member
    988 posts
    Busy bee

    I’m so sorry you have to go through this! I’ve never experienced this, so my advice may be totally off, but here are my thoughts anyways:

    If you want to go to Bali, do it because it’s beautiful or romantic or perfect…but don’t have a DW just to avoid your mother. Assuming that your preference would be to have it at home, I think going to Bali would just leave you missing all your friends who couldn’t make it.

    You mention that if you don’t invite her, you will be kissing your relationship goodbye. I’m trying not to use the phrase “not a big deal” because obviously, having an estranged mother IS a big deal, but it sounds like (at this point in your life, anyways) this may be what is best for YOU. It sounds like you’ve got a great support system in your dad & step-mom and hopefully in your SO/FI & his family, so my advice would be to focus on the people who have shown that they care about you and are there for you no matter what.

    Ultimately, whatever you choose will have an impact on your relationship. Jetting off to Bali won’t be without consequenses (that jealousy isn’t going to get any better once she’s been excluded froma  DW), not inviting her may cause your 3-month silence to become a prolonged estrangement, but inviting her and dealing with the stress & likely consequenses of her attendance could have the same effect…with the added awfulness of tainting your memories of your wedding day. It sucks, but sometimes in life, you’ve just got to go with the “least bad” option.

    Post # 5
    Member
    3713 posts
    Sugar bee

    FutureMrsPrior:  She would get no invitation from me. She sounds purely toxic.

    P.S. Good luck and sending a big hug to you!

    Post # 6
    Member
    721 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    If you want to invite her, knowing she won’t come but that at least you gave the pretense of including her, choose Bali. It’s the easiest option and the least hurtful one for everyone.

    I have a rampaging guilt complex, so knowing as I did that I have an abusive family member, we still invited this person to our wedding. We let this person invite a circle of family/personal friends (ones we didn’t know) to keep the abuser occupied and away from us. Surprisingly, the family member was on the best possible behaviour and didn’t cause a scene – having said that, they do not have substance abuse problems.

    I read a lot of Dear Abby (guilty pleasure) and the response to questions like your’s is almost always the same: if it’s going to make you feel guilty in any capacity down the line, invite the person and assign a trusted friend or family member to monitor the person’s behaviour and drink consumption as the day progresses and physically remove the person if they get rowdy in any capacity.

    But, having said that, I still vote for Bali at the end of the day.

    Post # 7
    Member
    2428 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Have the wedding you want, wherever that is, and don’t invite her regardless. She hasn’t done anything to deserve sharing in your happiness and it sounds like you have plenty of people in your life who love you and support you.

    Post # 8
    Member
    42546 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Self -preservation trumps family obligations in my book. If your mother is this toxic, I would have the DW that you mentioned or have the wedding in Australia and do not serve alcohol.

    Both of my parents were alcoholics so for my first wedding we had an early afternoon ceremony with hors d’oevres, punch and cake following. If you did something like that, you could also host a party that evening to which you need not invite your Mom.

    Post # 9
    Member
    2580 posts
    Sugar bee

    I just got engaged and we are eloping due to this exact issue. My mother and yours sound very simular except mine doesn’t have drinking issues.

     

    She has done several things that I have come to realize I just can’t get over including childhood issues

    She can’t be happy for me even though I just built my dream home, have a good job, and have an amazing partner.

    Even though we haven’t talked in 3 years she wrote a card a year and a half ago telling me what a horrible man my fiance ( then bf) was, she has met him once and he was more than nice to her.

    She is just a miserable person and I am happier without her being in my life. So knowing how my sistuation is and how your sounds the same I would say if you want to enjoy your wedding day you should not invite her.

    Post # 10
    Member
    499 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    Yeah, abusive people find a way to get their way.  They are often master manipulators.  She can and will find a way to make it about her and very likley come to Bali.  Not sure how the passport system works in Australia, but my friend was going to see a dying aunt and drove all the way to DC (about 15 hours) and the passport people waived the fees becuase she didn’t have enough cash and they felt bad.  There’s absolutely 0% chance that this was really allowed by law, but these sorts of thigns happen all the time.

     

    So don’t bet on her not being able to come….its just not a guarentee.

    Post # 11
    Member
    3195 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    FutureMrsPrior:  

    I did not invite my parents to our wedding because of my mother. Like you, I am very close to my father but I do not like my mother very much because she was abusive growing up. My mother is also very jealous of how close I am to my father and she hates that I look like my father’s sister. Part of the reason she was so abusive was she was taking out the hatred she had for my aunt on me. My mother also hates that my life is different from hers because I did things she wasn’t brave enough to do. I lived alone before marriage and I dated around rather than marrying the first guy I met like she did. 

    When I was engaged, she did not even congratulate me. She just told me that I was too fat to look in a wedding dress. She also refused to throw an engagement party for me even though she held a huge baby shower for my brother’s trashy ex. My mother tried to take over my wedding like she was the bride and when my husband and I would not allow that, she became belligerent and insulting. We eloped to get away from her. 

    You are under no obligation to invite someone who causes you nothing but pain. Just because she is your mother, it doesn’t mean that she should have no consequences for being an asshole. Do not invite your mother. Sometimes being excluded is what inspires these types to change. My mother is much kinder to me now even though she still has her moments.  I also refused to have her in our home for years until I was sure that she wasn’t going to behave unpleasantly. When I finally let she and my father visit, my mother was surprisingly very polite and kind.  We are renewing our vows next October and I haven’t heard a peep out of my mother. My mother has learned her lesson. 

    Do not invite your mother no matter what anyone says. Best of luck to you. PM me if you like.

    Post # 12
    Member
    98 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    I’m not inviting my half brother for those exact reasons. He was horrible to me and now I don’t bother with him anymore. 

    I wouldn’t invite her wherever you have it.

    Also, Bali is amazing and I’m so jealous that that is a possible destination wedding for you! I loved it there.

    Post # 13
    Member
    865 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    After the way my mother acted at my 1st wedding (she took it over, and her and my father ruined it with their drama) she wasn’t invited to my 2nd.   She fully expected myself and my then FI to pay for her to come…at the time I wasn’t working as we had just relocated for FI’s job.  There was no way we could afford it.  We were so low on cash at that time that for a month after the wedding we lived off the cash we had been given as wedding presents. 

    You mention at the beginning of your post that your mother’s behaviour has been getting worse and that you don’t know how to nip it in the bud.  Your wedding is your opportunity.  By not inviting her, you are sending a clear message that her behaviour has consequences.  

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