Post # 1
Does your man ever make jokes that you find annoying or even insulting? My man will sometimes roll his eyes when I say something romantic about a movie we’re watching, laugh really hard if I cry at a movie, or just make slightly inappropriate jokes in response to what I say.
I’ve tried talking to him about it, and he’s lowered the frequency, but he says that he makes them out of love and that they’re so ridiculous “I should know” they’re not real and that he doesn’t really think that way. And when I get upset he just tells me “oh lighten up, will you?”
I know he doesn’t mean them. I know that he really loves me and would never intentionally hurt me. And they’re a part of who he is, I have come to accept that (even though I don’t understand it). But I just can’t help but feel hurt when he makes them! I have some “good” days when I laugh everything off and find it all funny and respond in kind, but most days I get a big fat “no humor” stamp from him.
What should I do? I really love him, and I really want to get over this…
Post # 3
I’m sorry I have no advice for you, but I can say I sympathize! My FI and I have similar senses of humor and I love most of his jokes but sometimes its just too much. There are days I am feeling very “not funny” and hate that he has to make a joke of my every little misstep. I have started to find the humor in how easily I cry at TV and movies though- he says he sometimes plays sad things on purpose so we can both laugh at me tearing up 🙂
Post # 4
Tell him again and tell him you understand that he doesnt mean to hurt your or insult you, but that is exactly what he is doing.
My DH used to say somethings in jest. When I told him I didnt like it, he stopped. Your fiance should respect your wishes where your feelings are concerned.
Post # 5
- Wedding: October 2011 - Tre Bella, Mesa, AZ
@lefeymw: Ditto. I spent the first year or two of our relationship telling FI to stop saying joking insults at me like I was supposed to think it was funny to be called ugly or something. I had to explain that we are a team for life, and we are supposed to stick up for each other, not tear each other down.
Post # 6
I have the opposite problem – I have a very dry and sarcastic sense of humour, and hubs is a very sensitive, emotional guy. He tends to take offence to some of my light-hearted jesting and I really have to think about what I say before I say it. I’m not a mean person and I don’t ever outright make fun of him – I think it’s just the frequency in which he has to hear me joking around that causes him to be sensitive about it.
The more you tell him it bothers you, the more aware he will be of what he is saying. At least that’s how it is for me 🙂
Post # 7
I would find that really upsetting as well – you have specifically asked him to stop doing something that you find hurtful and he keeps doing it? And says it’s ‘out of love’? Really? Because if my man asked me to stop doing something that he found hurtful, I was stop. End of. Can he really not stop himself? Doesn’t he realise you would be happier (which equals an easier life for him!) if he just shut the hell up sometimes?
Set him a little test – 24 hours of no insults/jokes. Reward him if he achieves this with whatever you like – a nice dinner, a sexy evening, doing his laundry/ironing, whatever. Maybe this will help him learn that it is well worth his while to be respectful and supportive.
Post # 8
In a way… We have a relationship like that. For the most part I can just shake it off… sometimes I cant. Recently, we have seen the movie “hall pass” and OHH LORD!!! He started making jokes about how he wanted one and yadda yadda. One day, I got REALLY upset. We car pool to work, and he was making his joke, and I was having a bad morning… and I just started balling!! He felt so sorry and he very very RARELY makes the jokes anymore. Our thing is, we are BOTH very sarcastic funny people. So, the only time he really comes back with something now is when I make the joke about something.
Good Luck to you, and Im sure he will continue to ease up. Or maybe just cry and He will see that it hurts you.
Post # 9
My SO has a “stupid girl voice” he uses when he makes fun of stupid girls, and sometimes he uses it to repeat things I say. I know it’s out of jest, but it really hurts. I just stop him after every time he does it and remind him politely and calmly that that hurts my feelings, and how he said he’d stop. He usually says “OH SHIT I forgot, I’m sorry…” and means it. Just tell him firmly, calmly, politely that whatever he does hurts your feelings.
Post # 10
Thanks for all of your input! He has toned it down a lot but he just says it’s “who he is” and truthfully, when I think about it, I don’t think it’s reasonable to ask him to stop making jokes that make him happy. We’ve had plenty of times when we could both coexist joking and I was happy about it, but I think now we’re just going through some rough times. He tells me that he never knows when I’m going to “blow up” or not going to like a joke he makes, so I’m thinking all of your input about telling him calmly exactly what jokes bother me and repeating it after he makes them would be a good solution. There’s some jokes that he knows bother me and he apologizes after he makes them, but for others he just bothers me sometimes… and I think I’m just too moody about it? Dunno I’ve been really cranky lately just because of this stupid job search and probably haven’t been able to listen to him or respect him enough lately either… it might just be a bit of passive-agreesiveness or he’s desperate to get me to be happier and to get our relationship back on the tracks.
Post # 11
My first thought when I read your post was that he sounds really immature, and I wouldn’t be too surprised to find out that he does actually mean it when he tells you to just lighten up.
I know that sounds harsh, but he probably really thinks he’s being funny.
Post # 12
Get him back. Next time he unloads a joke that is hurtful/mean spirited, let him know that it was out of line, but in a funny way: **insert slow clap** “Ha Ha. Nice try, but maybe you want to practice that line a bit more. Too much meanness, not enough funny.”
Post # 13
@MrsLongcoatPeacoat: He does think it’s funny! I asked him again last night and he shrugged and just said that he thinks it’s funny and that he doesn’t mean them and that I need to just lighten up. The thing is that he is normally very mature, and there are times when we just play with it and I get back to him. I just don’t know if I’m being unreasonable…
@inspiredcreations: Good point. I’ll try a variant of that.
Post # 14
You’re lucky he’s not an Irish boy! 😉 While my FI doesn’t do it to me (I asked if that means he actually hates me and his friends said “nah, it means he’s just an oul lick!” aka a big softie) the cultural norm here is to “slag” your friends AND your girlfriends to show your affection! One couple we know (going on ten years together!) – the girl’s from a different culture as well, and her boyfriend had to explain to her he wouldn’t be so mean to her if he wasn’t interested and into her! It took me a bit to catch on to the way his friends would talk to him until they explained it to me and I caught on (to quote one of them – “Ireland is the only place where the phrase ‘you’re a f*cking c*nt” doubles as a term of endearment”) but it’s how the majority of the couples talk to each other as well! (At a party recently, former roomate and his girlfriend are standing there, a girl walks by and comments on how cute they look and the boyfriend goes “Have you seen her?!” implying she’s not cute at all!)
But having been around in this culture it makes me wonder if, different cultures aside, that’s just the way some people express affection – with teasing and joking that’s maybe a little too far! Certainly fits some people I know back home.
Post # 15
@hana.schmitt: Haha, that’s ironic as he does actually have Irish ancestry! (although we live in the states). Yeah, I think for him joking is a form of endearment.
Ok, so it’s been a while and I’ve learned to handle it better. It’s one of his ways of expressing affection, and especially when our relationship is not tense he’s very receptive to what bothers me especially if I voice it in a nice way. Now we joke together all the time, and he’s learned that phrases such as “lighten up” and “grow a sense of humor” aren’t appropriate. He stopped making the jokes that really bother me, and we still argue about it sometimes but most of the time we both joke together. So I guess it all worked out! Thanks, bees!
Post # 16
@squeak: I find that, much like cats, men respond quickly and learn from a couple squirts from the Bad Kitty Spray Bottle. Every time he does something you dont like, just squirt him with water, right in the face.
This post made totally in jest, just FYI.
But seriously, I’m glad you’re able to work it out! My fiance sometimes takes it to the next level too, and it’s very frustrating. But then I learned to start standing up for myself and telling him how I’m honestly feeling about his words right when they happen. That seems to do the trick.