Post # 1
my fiance and i have several family members who have passed on, so we are going to have a memorial table at the reception w/ a prayer/poem and candle. i thought about having someone say a prayer or something, but decided it would put a damper on the whole evening, so i decided against it.
now my fiance and some of his relatives want to use our reception as an opportunity to ask everyone to say a prayer for one his relatives who passed away suddenly a few years ago. i don’t want to do it for reasons stated above. i figure we’ll have the memorial table and everyone can have their private moment of prayer if they want. but my fiance is really upset and feels like i don’t understand where they’re coming from. i understand very well how he feels; i’ve lost people i love too. i explained to him that there are other ways to go about asking for prayers. they can ask their church to help, they can organize a prayer circle with all their friends and family. he doesn’t understand why our wedding isn’t the best time or place for it.
does this make me sound totally heartless? am i in the wrong here?
Post # 3
Unless it was either of your Mom or Dads… Who are KEY PLAYERS in one’s Wedding Day. Then, I’d say you’ve done enough already with the Memorial Table.
I understand your Fiance’s Family wishes to remember whomever…
BUT you are right… too much and it is going to take away from the JOY that is supposed to surround a Wedding.
This is precisely WHY Etiquette says that when someone significant passes in a family, that a Wedding should not take place for at least a year… so that the family has time to grieve… and in turn the Bride & Groom can be allowed the honour they deserve to CELEBRATE their LOVE & JOY unencumbered.
Hope this helps,
Post # 4
@lilchicana: nope not at all me and FH thought about this very thing and he said no its our wedding not a funeral babe lol so were not doing anything like that for our passed away loved ones. im using my grandmothers lace to wrap my flowers in and hes using his grandfathers watch were honoring them that way we dont want our day turned sad.
i agree with you totally
Post # 5
I think that you (well, your Fiance really) need to just stick to your decision and, when necessary, gently remind them that this is a wedding, not a memorial service.
People get weird about weddings.
Post # 6
We have had several family members die in the past few years it’s been a huge bummer. Everyone on my side is so happy to be planning something that is not a funeral so we will have no mention of this at all.
Post # 7
ok, thank you all. he is really upset with me and i’m hoping part of it is just because he’s tired and has had a few beers so he’s not really himself, but i’ve never seen him this upset before.
our wedding is 2 days away. i don’t need this extra stress right now 🙁
Post # 8
I think the memorial table is enough as far as the reception goes… I hate it when people bring sad moments into happy events…
I think perhaps a good compromise is a moment of silence right at the beginning of the ceremony (I’ve attended many weddings and celebrations where this has happened). That way you get sad bit out of the way and everyone can be happy and party after.
Post # 9
@ms_protea: –> LIKE
Ya maybe you could have the Officiant say something like…
“We are gathered here today to join together ___ & ___ in Marriage and to celebrate their love and lives and the people that they have become thru the love and support of their family & friends. We will now take a minute’s silence to reflect on those who shaped their lives, who cannot be with them today.”
And then go into the rest of the intro and the bit where the Officiant (if it is a Religious Ceremony) talks about the meaning of this commitment before God & a Prayer etc.
Hope this helps,
Post # 10
We had a catholic wedding and had DH’s mom mentioned during the prayers of the faithful. Darling Husband lit a candle in memory following her name being read. During the reception itself, we had a place setting for her at his family’s table and a rose was set on the plate. I know it is a fine line between memorializing someone and changing the mood of the wedding.
In my opinion, if you could include a line in your ceremony along the lines of, “The bride and groom would like to take a moment to remember those who are no longer with us, especially grandma, aunt, etc. ” it might be a compromise for you and Fiance. If something is going to be said, make it quick and do it during the ceremony itself- not the reception. The reception is a party and guests don’t want to stop celebrating to be sad.
Sorry- didn’t read some of the previous posts and now see this was suggested!
Post # 11
@lilchicana: I think I prefer your idea.
I went to a wedding awhile back where the wedding ceremony opened with a prayer for those who had passed, there were chairs set aside with pictures, they did a dove release for the deceased family members and at the very end there was a song that was sung for them.
My dad and I later commented that at times it seemed like a funeral with a wedding dress.
I think a memorial table/area at the reception, maybe a passing mention in a thank you speech– those are the times for it.
Post # 12
There’s a time to mourn – at a funeral!
Your wedding is to celebrate you guys sharing the rest of your lives together. It’s very sad that they’ve lost family members, but that’s not what your wedding is about.
Also, from a completely heartless perspective… I’m not paying money for my guests to come and remember someone else. It’s mine and my fiance’s day damn it! The memorial table is enough.
Post # 13
I want to do something special to remember my mom, and FI’s grandparents (they raised him). So I am having a memorial candle, and something on the last page of our programs. I may put a picture of my mother in my boquet. That’s it. We talked about a special prayer, and other stuff. But this is our wedding, not their funeral. We had their funerals already. We simply want to acknowledge how much they are missed. If they were alive, they would be a huge part of our wedding day. So it just seems proper to acknowledge that. But we also know that they would want our wedding day to be a happy day. So, for ourselves, our guests and in honor of them; we will do our best to keep it happy and light hearted. I wish you luck, this really is a difficult subject. I hope you can make your Fiance understand your point of view.
Post # 14
It’s probably easiest to say you wouldn’t want to offend other people by who you left out of your prayer, especially if you’ve lost a few family members recently.
Post # 15
thankfully, after everyone got some sleep and emotions weren’t running so high, they all decided that the memorial table was enough.
to those who suggested having our loved ones acknowledged during the ceremony, we are going to do that during the prayer of the faithful, which i had to remind my fiance about because apparently he’d forgotten.
so crisis averted- everyone’s happy and my wedding isn’t going to turn into a funeral!
Post # 16
TO – lilchicana: Thanks for the UPDATE… awesome news.
May Cupid & the “Weather Gods” shine down upon you on Saturday… as you and your Hubby-2-B celebrate your Wedding Day
BEST WISHES to both of you !!
PS… Hopefully you’ll post some more on WBee post Wedding too !!