(Closed) HELP. I have NEVER had a boyfriend, and I have next to zero friends. SO LONG.

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

You sound terribly depressed. I’m sure you know this, since you say that you have seen a counselor on campus. There are counseling facilities in your town (many towns have a division of Catholic Charities) who will provide low or NO cost counseling to people in need. You are a person in need. Please, go to google, do a search for sliding scale counseling and therapy in your town, and make an appointment for this week.

I feel so sad for you. I want you to know that your weight does not have to hold you back. I am a size 16 and always try to think about bigger celebrity women who have hot husbands when I get down on myself! Look at Keely Shaye Smith! I mean god DAMN, she got Pierce Brosnan. In my experience, you have to work on yourself before someone else will want to pursue a relationship with you. That being said, the most important relationship you have is the one with yourself. A man cannot save you, rescue you, or make you worthwhile. That is too much to ask of anyone– and if you go after a potential suitor with this attitude, you will scare them away.

I’m not sure why you have not been able to find work? I know the economy is tough but you need to expand your search. I have an Honors degree from the University of Texas, and have been checking groceries and working at a hardware store for the past year. Thats what I needed to do to pay my bills, so thats what I did. You may have to take a job that you feel is “beneath you” to be able to find any job at all.

If you have a job, you will be able to put money into savings. Once you have a little cushion, you can pursue more independence from your parents.

My last piece of advice may seem harsh, but I am saying it as a woman who needs to hear it myself occasionally– you must stop using your weight as an excuse. Your weight is not the only reason you have failures in your life, once you figure out what the REAL reason is that you don’t have a job, friends, or a boyfriend, you will be able to fix those issues in therapy. I guarantee you that it is not your weight that is standing in the way of all of those things.

Post # 4
Member
2821 posts
Sugar bee

24 is far from old old old old.

Make a list of what you want to do.  If you find a way to be happy and start acheiving those goals you’ll usually find that partner who adds to it.  But it’s hard as a spectator to just catch someone elses sails as they go by.

Good luck, sounds like you have stuff going well with school and good that you have your parents help financially with that, it helps so much not to be in debt. 

But really, make a list of what you’re unhappy with and what goals you want in the next few months, year, few years ect.  You might not meet all those goals but it’s helpful motivation too.

Post # 5
Member
581 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

It’s not too late! I feel so much for you! And your feelings that even if you change your future, your past will still haunt you, are FALSE! No good man will be turned off by your lack of romantic history. A real man will see it as just part of the wonderful package that is you and all the love you have to offer. Hell, for many cultures in the past and present, a man EXPECTED to be his wife’s first kiss, first lover, etc. Not that that is very progressive or good for women either, but the point is that your lack of experience doesn’t make you broken or wrong in any way.  

I’m glad you are seeing a campus counselor. I hope that he or she is helpful (beyond suggesting other resources you can’t afford) because a good one can make such a difference and help you change the way you’re thinking, which is the root of most of these kinds of problems. I am really impressed at how you’ve turned your life around since high school and your first year or two at community college. If I were you I’d try to get out more and meet people and get on dating websites like eharmony and match.com. That will help you to sort through the people who would be mean to you or who are not worth meeting.

And if it seems like we on the boards have what you want because we’re getting married, know that it didn’t come easily for us. We had to work and take risks to build the relationships we have. You will have to do the same, and I agree, it can be terrifying! But it is possible for everyone who is open and loving like you seem to be. It’s not about weight or beauty, but about character, which you have plenty of!

I hope you feel welcome on the boards. The ladies here are so nice and supportive and I think you need some friends, even ones in cyberspace!

Post # 6
Member
2090 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Wow, there’s a lot going on here, hugs to you. First off – you need to believe in YOU. Being skinny isn’t going to solve your problems, or suddenly get you a ton of friends or a boyfriend. You need to start really loving and accepting yourself first.
I’m sure there are plenty of men who find you attractive (I have a friend who is right about 300lbs. and she is hot, and gets hit on A LOT), but if you continue to convince yourself that you were ONLY pretty when you were 16 and thin, then you either won’t accept it, or won’t believe it when they tell you.  But, getting friends or a boyfriend isn’t going to solve your issues – like I said, you need to believe in YOU. You need to believe that YOU are worth it. That you are a great person, a great catch, a good friend. You need to be comfortable in your skin – comfortable in your insides and your outsides.

Don’t get too hungup on men, and being worried that you push “all” of them away, or “always run”, based on your (reasonable) reaction to some drunk DB’s actions at a club. Not all men are like that, thank God, and your reaction to that DB doesn’t at all indicate how you will react to all men.

If you want to be more social, think about your interests, and then join a club for them in your area, whether that’s through your school or not. Strike up conversations with people in coffee shops  if you see them reading a book you love.

Trust me, you’re judging yourself much harsher than the rest of the world is. You are certainly not too old for love, or for a relationship. Like I said though, being skinny isn’t going to solve your problems. I have always been skinny (and “pretty” enough), and NEVER had a boyfriend in high school. Didn’t have one for the first few years of college either. Never was kissed until I was well into my 20’s. I’m 28 and have had only 2 serious relationships, one of which was incredibly toxic, and he cheated on me and left me. Point is – there’s no simple solution, and no one’s life here in “perfect”, although I know if often looks that way from the outside.

Believe in yourself first, and accept yourself for who you are. Don’t set up limits on what you can do, or what can/will happen for you. Life isn’t just this thing that happens – you have to make it happen. Stop telling yourself what you’re not, and start telling yourself all the good things you have going for you, which even from your single post, are plenty!
Hugs.

Post # 7
Member
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

First: a big hug!

Now: I’ve been there.  I was overweight.  I was shy.  I didn’t date until my mid-20’s.  I had silly junior high type boyfriends and always wanted nothing more than to have a real boyfriend.  I think you have it significantly harder because of your lack of friendships and your family situtation.  I’m so glad you’re seeing a therapist – keep going to see her! 

My little bits of advice: do something about your weight.  Anything.  Go for a walk.  Don’t eat the extra piece of pizza tonight.  Seriously – small changes will make a difference.  Keep at it – don’t starve youself.  I lost over 60 pounds about seven years ago and have kept it off.  It’s not easy but it can be done.

Try to start getting outside your comfort zone – drive on the freeway once in a while!  You can do it!  If you see a girl at school that looks like fun, ask her if she wants to get coffee with you.  It’s scary, but you have to approach people.  I bet they will respond.

You are an excellent writer and are obviously very intelligent.  Don’t sell yourself short.  Keep coming on the boards – there are a ton of great girls here and some of them have already given you some great advice above!

Most of all: don’t lose faith.  You will have the life you always wanted.  God has a plan for you!  You will be a wife, you will be a mother, you will have friends.  Start taking baby steps to get there and God will help you along the way!

Post # 8
Member
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

First off, you are young and you are not repulsive.  You seem thoughtful, hard-working, reflective… things that we need more of in this world.  I’m really glad that you do have at least some counseling that you can afford – it’s always very helpful to be able to have someone to talk to and help you work through your self-defeating habits.

I’m not the first person to point this out, but you keep bring up your weight as if it is your biggest hindrance.  While society certainly is harsh towards those who are overweight, your body is not your enemy and a wall between who you are and who you want to be.  Your attitude about it is that, though.  I know several women who are about your size and have found love and success, often without losing a pound.

I’d suggest you check out some of the “Fat Acceptance” movement – http://www.kateharding.net is good place to start.  I may not and you may not agree with everything they’re saying, but there’s a lot of powerful voices out there talking about how to move beyond blaming yourself and hating yourself for your body and going out and just living life.  You do not stop deserving good things because you weigh x number of pounds.

Making friends can be hard when you’re not in a situation with a whole bunch of like-minded people.  It’s not just you and it’s not because there’s something wrong with you – it’s because it’s scary to make the leap from someone you speak to in passing to someone who is a friend.  Sometimes people aren’t in a place where they have time and energy to cultivate new friendships.  Sometimes you’re just not exposed to people who you want to be your friend.  The cliche advice about getting involved in your interests is true – but it doesn’t always lead to friendship.  Don’t get down on yourself – just realize that joining a book club if you like books or a hiking group if you like hiking or whateve ris still getting you involved in the things you love.

Connect with yourself and what you love.  Do what you can to see yourself in a positive light – I think for everyone at all ages, all sizes, all stages of life – that’s one of the most important things you can do.  It’s a struggle.  I deal with it almost daily, but life becomes so much better when you learn to accept yourself.

Post # 9
Member
593 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’d take you out for a cup of coffee right now if I wasn’t pretty sure you lived all the way in California. Really, you seem like a cool girl who is just a little lost at the moment.

I’ve been there! I didn’t have quite the same problems as you are facing but believe me…I lost myself for a good couple of years. When you’re in it so deep it is impossible to see a way out. But you can’t let that feeling take over–take some steps to change. One thing you wrote jumped out at me: it’s been hard to meet up with people from different towns because I don’t drive on the freeway. Girl, get on the freeway! I’m not being mean; a good friend would tell you that’s a lame exuse. Don’t keep yourself down like that. Take control.

I would say work on yourself a little bit before you try and make a bunch of friends. If you are happy with yourself, people will flock to you naturally. Here you wrote a list of things you hate about yourself. Try writing a list of things you like about yourself. Even in my darkest moments, I could name at least a couple of things I thought I had going for me.

Post # 10
Member
724 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

First of all, you HAVE to STOP thinking you’re a loser. People will believe what you present to the world. If you think you’re a loser, then they’ll probably think, “Wow, she really doesn’t like herself and she knows herself the best. She’s probably not worth the time.” But if you approach it as, “Yes, I am big and beautiful and passionate and am a great listener” and you go around smiling and being friendly, then people are going to think, “Wow, she’s really friendly and I love talking to her and she has so much confidence in herself, I want to be like that!” You don’t need to be skinny to get respect – you just have to respect yourself. I mean, heck, Aretha Franklin isn’t a skinny minny and she knows all about R-E-S-P-E-C-T. 🙂

I agree with all of the advice the ladies have given. I’m also overweight, and one thing I have found is that when I take care of myself, I feel better and other people react better. As superficial as it sounds, get your hair done, wear pretty lipgloss, and buy clothes that fit and are flattering. Lane Bryant is a great store, as are Torrid and other plus-sized stores. It can make it easier to perk up with some confidence when you’re presenting yourself to people.

You HAVE to get some counseling. It sounds like you have chronic depression, which is a chemical imbalance and it’s not your fault. I strongly urge you to speak to someone, who can help you through this.

Making friends is very hard, and I moved thousands of miles away from my family and friends so I know what it’s like to feel like you have nobody. Try joining Meet-up.com to join groups where you share similar interests with people. Or take a class at the local YMCA in something you enjoy, maybe art or writing. A book club or other group could also be a great way to meet people. Or heck, you’re in school, strike up a conversation in class with someone, just something easy like “How was your weekend?” Do that with a lot of people and hopefully you’ll meet someone who has similar interests as you.

As far as your weight goes, I suggest working with a personal trainer. It can be hard to self-motivate and stay at the gym, but if you have someone helping and guiding you with specific things you can do to lose weight, that might make the difference versus you trying something for a little while and getting frustrated (which is totally me!).

One last thing: If you have so much love to give, start with people who really need it. Volunteer at a children’s organization or at fundraisers or something. Those organizations always need people who are passionate and you might find something that gives you purpose. Even if it’s just helping out doing registration for a walk to cure cancer or March of Dimes or something. If children are your passion, then get involved in making their lives better to. It might boost your confidence to know you are making a difference.

Post # 11
Member
593 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

@MissKatelyn: fantastic advice with the volunteering!

Post # 12
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Hey, people hear you here — you’re not alone.  We don’t want you to feel this way.  I think that you need to make seeing a good therapist a top priority.  If there is any way at all that you can afford it, do it.  A lot of psychiatrists offer sliding scale rates based on your income.  Life can be so much better for you, but you need to work through the abuse and the self-esteem problems, and whatever else that keeps you so focused on your weight.

Let me say this, also:  people here have friends, boyfriends, husbands, etc etc but we also have lots of problems.  I have a husband who I love, and I also have lots of problems.  Remember that things are not always what they seem and NO ONE has a perfect life.  No one.  We are all sad sometimes.  Sometimes some of us are sad a lot of the time. 

Please get yourself the help you need.   And if you can, get out of your parents house.  You can do it.  You definitely can do it and it’s not too late…. not even close.

oxoxox

Post # 13
Member
1032 posts
Bumble bee

Oh Honey, big hug to you!! Its okay, everyday is a new day and the past does not in anyway dictate what you will do TODAY!

Figure out what your dream is, and work toward it! Focus on things that make you happy in the moment… writing? painting? volunteering? When you work toward a goal, you have small victories that show your accomplishments and abilities! Keep a journal, with a daily to do list, and everytime you cross off an item you will feel proud of your accomplishments! I would suggest cardio, not for weight issues, but for the endorphins it sends through your system.

I too suffered from depression… but a half hour to an hour of cardio daily, a journal, and some outside help really improved everything. And if you really want to lose weight, I would totally help! I started out as a nutrition major, and I have been a workout nut my whole life! I would be totally willing to give you my time. If you’d rather do it on your own, keep a food journal, write down everything you eat and it will motivate you to eat better. I’m sorry you are sad, if you want to vent and get honest advice from a stranger who’s been there, personal message me anytime, seriously!

Post # 14
Member
2008 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

You’ve gotten some great advice so far. 

The biggest thing is that YOU need to be happy with yourself.  I also noticed that you brought up your weight a lot.  That’s not the only reason you’re unhappy.  You have a lot on your plate and in your history.  It’s scary as all hell but put yourself out there and take chances.  It’s ok to make mistakes.  We’ve all made our fair share and then some!  Like Edina said, get out on that highway!  Take whatever job you can get and start saving up so that you can move out of your parents’ place.  Look for a therapist that you can afford.  I am not especially familiar with clinical depression but it certainly sounds like you’ve got it.  Get it treated.  If you love yourself then others will love you.

I agree that you sound like a really cool person that could be a lot of fun to hang out with.  Don’t sell yourself short! 

Post # 15
Member
1510 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

The secret to getting guys to like you and having friends is CONFIDENCE!  Be confident in yourself!  Guys are attracted to girls who are confident and have a good head on their shoulders.  This is also the type of friend that girls want to have.  They want someone who they can have fun with, relate to, joke with, and support them when times get tough.

Your sadness comes out so much in what you say.  It doesn’t matter how much you weigh, what you look like, where you went to school or what your profession is.  The thing that attracts guys is confidence!  It sounds like you feel worthless, which couldn’t be farther from the truth.

I agree with what all the other girls say.  You need to talk to a therapist or something.  Once you start feeling more confident and better about yourself, you will probably want to start taking better care of yourself by eating better, working out, etc.

HUGS!!! 

 

Post # 16
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I want to start off by saying that I read EVERY. SINGLE. WORD. of what you wrote, then I went back and re-read a few parts of it before I began typing. You need to know that you can find support here, and you can private message me whenever you want if you ever need anyone to talk to one-on-one. Okay? 🙂

Several things are tremendously obvious from your post.

1. You are beautiful. I mean it, you are beautiful. It sounds like the second you let yourself have some fun, and yes, when you drop some weight, men come flocking to you. Plus, you’re so tall – lucky you! Without ever having seen you, I’d bet good money you have a beautiful face, but you don’t even bother to recognize it, because you’re so focused on beating yourself up. Stop. Take a deep breath. Look in the mirror, and take a good look at the woman looking back at you – she is lovely, and needs to respect herself.

2. You are brilliant. First of all, congratulations on your upcoming fall graduation with top honors. That is a ridiculous feat to pull off, and I am so impressed with you right now! As lilybay said, you’re such a good writer too. Looks fade, but intelligence will stay with you forever. Little boys like stupid, airhead women. Real men love a smart girl. I bet if you gave yourself a chance and approached a guy, he’d be impressed with how articulate you are.

3. Your mind is holding you back, not your body. As everyone else has touched on, you don’t have to be skinny to be a wife and have friends. If that were true, the majority of Americans, for example, wouldn’t be married and socially active! No, sweetie, that voice inside your head is stopping you from breaking free and, like you said, living your life. Once you start telling yourself that you aren’t a pathetic, sad, repulsive loser, (oh my gosh, you’re so mean to yourself, you literally have me tearing up over here), you’ll see that all the things you want will come within your reach.

4. You’ve bought into ideas about yourself that are not true. I’m so sorry for the abuse your father has inflicted on you. Physical abuse is so scary, but it sounds like the words he’s said to you have left you scarred more than any slap (or worse?) can inflict. You’ve been given the message that ‘good’ men only want a trophy wife, one who is slender, and nothing else matters. You have been made to believe that as your dress size decreases, your ‘worth’ will increase, right? You’ve been told, maybe by your dad, maybe by your friends, maybe by others, that your self-worth is based off the number on the scale. You’ve been given these messages by your parent who is supposed to show you how to accept yourself, and yes, probably by society, which can be cruel. And you’ve listened to them all, instead of fighting back and saying, “No, I am more than what my body looks like!” It sounds as if you have been abused, and maybe even teased and bullied, all your life. No one can blame you for believeing such awful things. But you don’t have to believe them any longer. It doesn’t matter what anyone else has said or done to you. All that matters is what YOU say to you. And right now, all you’re doing is agreeing with the negative. No wonder you’re so depressed, hon. You never give yourself a break.

5. Things are going to change for you, and for the better if you allow it. I’m sure you’re going to be accepted to an amazing M.A. or doctorate program, based on your grades alone. It sounds as if you’re going to graduate this fall… will you start the graduate school in the following fall, or are there schools that will take you in the spring? I’m in California, and I don’t believe any of the programs here take students mid-year, so I’m going to write this next part based on the assumption that after December, you’ll have 8 months or so of no school. Come 2011, you will have a degree, and you’ll be able to find something in the way of work, I’m very sure. Getting a job means you’ll have money of your own to spend, and you’ll actually have something to get you out of the house instead of going to class. You might meet new friends at a new job too! Or at least someone to just grab a coffee with once in a while. And a job means you’ll learn to separate yourself from your family, who you seem to have a lot of loyalty to, and get out of your comfort zone for the better.

Then, you’ll move out and begin your exciting (yes, very exciting!) new program somewhere else, and that’s when life is really going to take a turn for you. You’ll meet brand new people with your interests, and you’ll be independent for once in your life. It will be empowering for you, if you have the right attitude. if you give yourself a chance, this will be the big change that makes your life better. But only you can decide that it’ll be a good thing. Only you can deal with your fears, through therapy, through prayer, through taking one day at a time. Start dealing with all the emotional stuff NOW. Start changing your lifestyle NOW. Stop kicking yourself, stop abusing yourself, stop listening to everyone around you who is so toxic. (By the way? Good for you for separating yourself from that girl who makes fun of you! I’m serious, I’d rather be alone and friendless than have “friends” like her. You’ve dealt with so much crap in your life, why have one more person who will only make you feel worse? Don’t settle!)

6. You have what it takes to change. We already covered the fact that you’re smart, and you’re a hard worker. If you have the motivation, mental capacity, and will power to get straight A’s and overcome financial challenges and health problems slowing you down, then you can do anything! Anything! All your tools are there inside you, you just have to put them to good use!

Tips you may or may not want to listen to:

Start by writing down everything you eat for a few days, then see what your triggers are. Maybe if you’re into sweet things, you need to cut back on them or only eat the ones that are going to leave you satisfied. Then, see if you can go grocery shopping with your parents and pick out things that are healthier. You mentioned your dad is overweight too. Can you engage him, especially now that your relationship is better, and tell him that this is something you can do together? If he acts like a jerk about it, shrug it off and go it alone. But you need to stock your house with healthier options. Try the 99 cent store or dollar tree! I’m bolding this because I’m hoping you’ll read it amidst all the other stuff you might skim, lol. I’m serious. When my own family was struggling due to the economy, we found some great deals over there. My local 99 cent store used to have these plastic bins of baby greens that I see alllll the time at Costco, for a much higher price! They were perfectly good and fresh, and even though I can afford the Costco once now, I would still stock up at the 99 cent store instead, because why not save some money? They also have frozen dinners like Lean Cuisine, which are actually nice because they’re preservative free and fairly tasty, and you can get low fat milk, yogurt, etc from there as well.

Keep your food journal up, and start counting calories. Go to Google, and find BMI calculators to see what your healthy weight range is. I’m an inch taller than you, so I’d imagine your healthy weight is between 130 and 170 or something like that. There are also calculators to help you determine how many calories you need to eat to maintain your weight, and from there you can figure out how many calories you need to trim off every day to lose weight on a weekly basis. I’d go with a 1600 calorie diet, if I were you, and then you can lower it if you’re having a hard time dropping the pounds. But the weight WILL come off quickly for you in the beginning, and that can help motivated.

You need to drink TONS of water and, sorry, cut out soda, even diet. Diet soda makes you bloated, and keeps you hungry for more food. Replace your sodas and juices and heavy coffee drinks with water and tea, and plenty of both, and the first five pounds will just melt off of you. Also, watch your salt intake, and eat high fiber foods.

Finally, you need to move. I know you say you do a lot of Internet surfing and sleeping, and sweetie, that only helps add to your depression. You need to maybe have a sibling hide the mouse or laptop charger, and ask him or her to go for a walk with you. You don’t have to start running a mile – just go walk in the fresh air for a half hour, and take a bottle of water with you. There are many many floor exercises to find online that don’t require weights, and show you how to tone using things like the back of a chair. Do some research, print it out, and then shut the computer down for the rest of the day. Turn to your weight loss journal, and maybe even a regular journal whenever you get the itch to go online when you don’t need to.

I will also add that prayer can be powerful. God is listening even when we don’t think He’s there. Keep the faith. Through Christ, you can do all things, you know? Keep going to church, and keep your relationship with God at the forefront of your mind, and I believe all other things will fall into place for you. Read your Bible, or start a prayer journal (I know, another journal, lol, but they really do help!) and you’ll see your spiritual life improve as your physical fitness and emotions get better too.

I am here for you, as I said when I first started this long reply. I know I said to stay offline, lol, but you can come on here whenever you want and let us know how you are! Again, message me whenever you want. And keep looking around these boards; lots of ladies are on fitness programs and you can join in with them as well.

Good luck to you, God bless you, and please, don’t be a stranger. Remember everything I said, and remember to LOVE yourself. You are wonderful. The part you wrote about having so much love to give really made me cry. The world needs mothers and wives like you, parents who become parents for the right reasons, women who look for a husband because they want to give. But you have to LOVE YOURSELF FIRST!

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