- Always Lonely
- 8 years ago
Hi, Bees – (I know this is long, but I am just letting all my secrets and emotions flow – this is a catharsis for me, in a way I can’t fully explain.)
I am a sad, overwhelmingly lonely 24 year old girl who has never had a relationship, never been properly kissed, and has lied about all this to everyone since she was in the seventh grade. I am MORBIDLY OBESE – 5’8 and 309 pounds. Please, don’t mock or judge me; I hate myself every single day and am more than aware of what I look like and how repulsive I am. Please, I need someone to hear my story and see if they can help me.
When I was 12, everyone started kissing boys, and going out on ‘dates.’ I made up a boy that I said I kissed at, get this, an imaginary wedding.
In high school, a guy I was lying about my age to online and having a ‘relationship’ with served as another imaginary boyfriend that I lied about from my Freshman to Senior year. The guy online never saw me, only spoke to me on the phone twice, and told me again and again he was dying to meet me. I kept my personality the same but bumped up my age by three years and, of course, led him to believe I was beautiful.
He told me he loved me my junior year of high school. Sometimes I fear he will be the only man to ever say that to me, and he hardly even counts. And in real life, I told all my friends he went to a different high school and that he was a year older, and allowed him to ‘graduate’ and go to college far, far away.
I was deeply depressed my Freshman year of high school and turned from a straight A student to a barely graduating mess. I weighed anywhere between 200 and 275 pounds in high school, just FYI. (I’ll get to more of that later.) I did a lot of activities and was in AP classes, but I let my grades drop dramatically. Instead of getting into my dream schools (UCLA and Stanford) I had no choice but to go to a community college.
When I started community college, I ballooned up to 280 and continued my relationship lies to my friends. I got down to 254 at one point, but when I was 20 the weight creeped up again.
I was visiting a psychologist who put me on anxiety medication. That summer, I started Jenny Craig. And then that fall, all my hard work to fix my insides and outsides exploded in my face. I fainted at school and ended up taking no classes that semester, and then that Spring I only took one. My weight eventually got to 301, and I remember feeling numb about it – not even scared.
When I fainted, I was going through some hard times financially with my family, and emotionally/socially with friends. My best friend at the time had gone from being a good Catholic girl to losing her virginity to a scummy guy, before dating another man who was 7 years older than us and ENGAGED. The guy had a fiance he was set to marry in two months, and this friend of mine would meet him at a hotel and sleep with him in exchange for alcohol. I was appalled. I cut this friend off, along with the three other people I talked to, including a guy that I think I could have had a REAL relationship with… but I was scared of the guy. I was scared to let him get close, so eventually I pushed him away.
I finally transferred to a state college after spending 4 years at community college, due to my health, finances, and the fact that I changed majors three times. However, I’ve had virtually all straight A’s since then, and will graduate at the top of my class this fall. And I will probably get into a prestigious PhD or Masters program.
When I transferred to my new school two years ago, at the age of 22, I was friendless and fat. At my highest weight, I skyrocketed to 327. At my lowest in the past two years, I have made it to 299, and that was for one day only.
I still live at home with overprotective parents. My father was…
Oh, God, this is so hard to admit…
My father was abusive to me growing up, physically yes, and even more so verbally and emotionally. My family has had a lot of strife. And I’ve never been able to make it out of there, because I love them and feel guilty, because I’ve never had a job of my own, and because I don’t want to leave my younger siblings just yet. My dad would hit and yell at me for being so fat, even though he himself is incredibly heavy. I ran away once, and came home and my mother wouldn’t even speak to me.I think I’ve allowed myself to be overprotected because I’ve been SCARED. Scared of being away from home, of failing, of going out on my own, etc.
Things with my father are better now; it took a major argument between us in January to smooth out a lot of stuff. He hasn’t hit me in years, thank God.
Living with my parents has saved me from having to work while going to school, and I’m grateful, but it has really put a nail in the coffin that is my social life. I drive about 45 minutes every day to my college campus, but for the first two years, my parents drove me. I don’t drive on the freeway, and for a while we only had one car. So again, I allowed myself to be overprotected because I was scared.
I do finally drive myself, but it’s hard being at least 2 years older than most people and going to school everyday with everyone else who seems to have it together. They have jobs. They live in dorms or apartments. The few that live at home seem to have full lives outside their families. I have NO ONE.
I recently got back in touch with a friend from junior high. She moved out of state for the summer, but before she left we hung out a lot, and we keep in touch via Facebook. She used to text me, but my phone is pay as you go, and we don’t have the money for me to have anything else at the moment. I think she was annoyed with me, but now she understands. She doesn’t know she is really my ONLY friend.
Every day, I feel lonely and sad. I tried to make friends all during school, and I haven’t gotten very far. I feel my weight has kept my back, and that maybe I come off as intense and desperate. Plus, because I don’t drive on the freeway, it’s been hard for me to arrange meet-ups with other people who live in different towns. And admitting that I live at home and have no job is no fun; some guy laughed in my face about it once.
I tried getting a job this summer, with no luck. I have no degree yet and no real experience. I used to do Speech in high school, so I know I could at least get a desk job and answer phones, but the economy is terrible and the pickings are slim.
I have had a handful of boys show interest in me over the years. I have been to a club once when I was 19, where one guy grabbed me, danced with me, and started to feel me up. I was about 250 at the time, but because I’m tall, I look thinner than I am. The guy scared me, especially when he licked my cheek (ew!) and started grinding up against me. I’ve never had a real kiss before, just hugs from guys, so that was just too much too fast. I ran from him.
In the end, I always run.
The few guys who have showed interest have almost always felt like, well, losers to me. Creepy or desperate or weird. And I always think, “Why would you be interested in me?” I feel anyone who would be physically attracted to me, especially at my weight now, MUST BE STRANGE. I mean, why else would you want me? I’m hideous.
I was beautiful before. I was a pretty, if not chubby little girl, before I turned into a blimp at the age of 10 or 11.
When I was 16 and I got down to 200 pounds, I suddenly had guys checking me out CONSTANTLY. I could see the jealousy in my friends’ eyes, especially my best friend. She was skinny but she had a huge nose that people would mock her for. I think I made her feel better about herself, until I got ‘thin’ and started getting male attention. I had men tell me I was beautiful, attractive, etc. I remember going to the grocery store and a 20-something guy did a double take at me and came whipping around the corner to flirt with me, before my dad found us and scared him off.
That very brief time alone is the only proof I have that I COULD be pretty, desirable, and even worth something, to someone, if I lost weight.
However, the only time I was able to lose weight the way I did when I was 16 was by making myself throw up and starving myself. The second I stopped, the weight came piling back on, my jealous friend seemed to feel better about herself, and I wound up going to the prom with HER instead of getting asked out on a date.
That’s the story of my life. “If only I was thin.” I’m trying SO HARD. You have no idea what it’s like to eat out of anxiety, out of pain, out of hunger for LIFE, and not food. I eat because I’m scared or bored or sad or lonely. It sucks! I hate this! I want to change but I feel like it’s TOO LATE. I’m getting old. Old old old.
I feel also that even if I slim down before I attend graduate school, nobody will want me. That I’m too creepy or weird or something. That I’ve lost who I was and I turn people off. I can see it when I talk to other people – they can tell I’m a LOSER, and the people I want to be friends with want nothing to do with me.
There’s another girl in my life who is desperate to be my friend, but she’s racist and rude, and, well, stupid. I’ve separated myself from her as much as I can, because even she has made fun of my weight, even though she’s also overweight (not nearly as much as me, but still) and not that attractive.
And yes, I have attended therapy recently. I currently have no health insurance, but the therapist on campus met with me a few times. She referred me to a weight and body image specialist that I currently cannot afford. So again, I’m stuck.
I’m writing all this out begging for help. You all have boyfriends, fiances, husbands. You all have friends who are acting as bridesmaids. You ALL have full lives. How can someone sad and lonely and pathetic turn it all around and get what you’ve got? How? Is it too late for me? And if I find a GOOD man who asks me out, will he be turned off by the fact that I can’t kiss, have never dated, used to be a whale, and have some serious issues to work out? Am I destined to be alone forever, when I have so much LOVE to give?
I really mean all of that, especially that last part. I have so much love to give, to both a husband and children. I have wanted to be a mother since I was 10 years old. I’ve wanted to have a family of my own all my life, and I want to be happy. Instead, I’m crying. I cry every single day, while life passes me by. I go online, I eat, I sleep, I cry, I make stupid conversations with my family, I wait for my siblings to come around so I can feel social, and I go online more. That’s all I have. That’s all there is. Even my relationship with Jesus needs help.