- 4 years ago
Dating 3.5 yrs, living together 3. We used to live with one set of parents. Then, we moved out, moved away and have been living together on our own for 6 months now. We’ve been engaged for about the same amount of time. No concrete wedding plans yet – no date, no venue, just talks.
Since we moved out on our own (about 600 miles away from my friends/family – but this was MY choice, too), things have taken a turn for the worse. I work, he doesn’t. He’s currently looking for a job.
We’ve been fighting a lot and we just went to our 3rd counseling session this week. We’ve each also been to 1 session alone. Counseling is not working.
The first session, I felt like we really connected and it went well, but he didn’t want to do what she suggested we do outside of the session – our “hw” was to go home and come up with a ‘plan of action.’ But, we never really did that. We were also supposed to come up with things we didn’t like about our partner and how to solve them and then discuss them together. He didn’t do that, either. So, I made my own list and after I made mine, he made his – and then he wouldn’t show it to me, until he read it all at the 2nd session. I was aggitated, but one of the things he said I do that bothers him is be online too much. So, since the first session and since he repeated it the 2nd session, I’ve tried my best to stay off the computer as much as possible.
Then came the third session – where I tried to talk about the things that bothered ME in the relationship. That’s when shit hit the fan and he said he wasn’t even sure he wanted to continue. We didn’t talk at all Monday night, I tried to kiss him bye Tues morning, but he refused and then Tues night things were better and we cooked dinner together and had a good Tues and Wed night.
Now, I’ve been stressed at work and it’s already Thurs and I get home and I see that once again, he’s done NOTHING. I feel like he just sits around and does nothing all day, he stays up late and goes online, he plays his games, he watches a ton of TV, he does nothing productive and don’t tell me that he’s searching for a job all day, because I know he’s NOT. And, it doesn’t take 8hrs a day to look for jobs. I know, bc I recently found one while I was working FT before we moved.
I’ve just had enough. I don’t know how to get through to him. He seems to think the counseling is for HIM to fix ME. He doesn’t understand that WE need to fix US and that he needs to make some changes, too. He refuses to hear that there’s anything “wrong” with him. He refuses to talk – he keeps saying there’s “nothing to talk about.” But, there is! I keep saying – but I’M upset and I think there’s something to talk about!
So when I got home today, he was folding the laundry. Sunday night when we got home from being out all day, he complained about how messy/dirty the place was and saying how he was going to overhaul the place “tomorrow”. I hire cleaners to come in about once a month, but it needs to be cleaned more than that, we have pets, too and it gets dirty. It’s Thursday already and the place is still disgusting. He maybe cleaned up the kitchen a bit and moved the clean laundry from the living room to the bedroom and started folding it maybe minutes before I came home. So, I got of lost it. I’m gone for 10 hrs, why can’t he fucking do shit during the day? I feel like he contributes NOTHING to the relationship – no money, nothing at home. WTF. And then he doesn’t want to discuss it?
I suggested that we sit down and list all the chores that have to get done and split them up – this way, we know what each person has to do, there are no questions about it, and we don’t feel like the other person does nothing. I take the dog out every morning, feed the dog and feed the cat. I take the dog out usually when I get home from work and then he takes the dog out late at night and while I’m at work. Why doesn’t that count? It adds about 10-15 minutes every morning to my routine to take the dog out. I help cook, I do all the food shopping – that doesn’t count as anything? AND, I work full time. I unload the dishwasher whenever he loads it and runs it. Can’t he just do the laundry, fold it, and CLEAN the kitchen and bathroom once a week? And, if he’s going to be home, why can’t he finish unpacking everything and making this place feel like a “home” for us?
Why can’t he just get over himself and do things that I ask because they would make me happy – the way he used to when we first met? Why do I do whatever he asks of me, because I just want him to be happy?
I feel so hurt. He promised me so much when we first started dating, then he proposed, took me 600miles away from my career, family and friends. Now what am I supposed to do? Go home? Find a new job? I’m too old for this shit. I’m going to be 29 this year and now I feel like I don’t just have to start romance over, but my entire life. All alone.
What am I supposed to do?