Post # 1
I’ve been engaged since St. Patrick’s Day 2013, supposed to be getting married May 2014. I am so miserable, and cannot fight the feeling that this is a huge mistake. My FI and I have been together for over 3 years, but I broke up with him in January 2013 because things were going way downhill and fast. After we broke up last year, I moved home from OKC to Louisiana and he would not stop calling and texting or emailing. Then I found out from his mom that he bought an engagement ring and was going to propose for Valentine’s Day, but I told him to return the ring because I was not ready for that. Well, I started getting overwhelmed with the thought of being engaged and getting married, so we started seeing each other again and then he proposed within a month. I never should have said yes, or even started dating him again so soon. I was caught up in the idea of marraige and the excitement of it all. Now that it’s worn off, I realize nothing has changed. He’s very selfish and doesn’t have very much desire to work on our relationship. I try to communicate to him that I’m not happy and literally spell it out for him on what he can do to make things better, but it just goes in one ear and out the other. I’m so tired of being put on the back burner, everything I say or do, he can come up with something bigger and better. He will go out of his way to prove me wrong. When it comes to making desicions within the household, he just does whatever he wants without talking to me or asking my opinion. I feel so lonely, and I’m really starting to resent him. For NYE, we got into an argument and I could not hold it in anymore. I told him that I wanted to call off the wedding, that getting engaged so soon after we broke up was a mistake, that I had gotten caught up in the excitement of everything, and that I could not make a vow to him without being 100% positive this was the right thing.
Then I left for a few minutes to calm down, and when I got back he was acting like NOTHING EVER HAPPENED. LIKE I DIDN”T JUST TELL HIM I DIDN”T WANT TO MARRY HIM! He’s still acting like this, two days later. I know I need to confront him again about it, but talking to him obviously does not work. Should I write him a letter to read? Put it on paper, or email?
Post # 3
Perhaps you should go up to him and say “Hey. You. This thing? This non-functional dating/engagement thing we’ve been doing? I’m done with it; we’re over.”
Hand him a box of his things, leave, and then block his cell and house number/facebook/email/linkedin/etc. Go enjoy life on your own – you’ll learn tons.
You will be breaking up by calling off this engagement, and honestly from the way this guy sounds, that’s a good thing.
You really want to be stuck with THIS crap the rest of your life?
If you don’t, the ball is in your court.
Post # 4
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
Leave. Make a plan, pack your stuff, and leave. You’ve already told him numerous times what isn’t working for you and apparently tht doesn’t work with him.
To be totally honest? I find it very worrying that he acted like nothing had happened when you told him you didn’t want to get married. There is something deeply disturbing about that level of denial or whatever it is.
But you need to stick to your guns this time. Do as the PP said: change your number and do NOT communicate with him. Otherwise you’re not being fair.
Post # 5
- Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley
Leave. Your mind is already made up.
He is not taking you seriously. This is a problem that will not change.
Post # 6
It sounds like you’re making the right decision, and better that you’re doing it now than after marriage. Your FI may be one of those people who doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation until they see you act. It may not have “hit them” yet that you really want out. I think what you need to do is first sit him down again when you both are alone and not distracted by the holidays, and tell him how you feel. Arrange a place to stay, either a friend’s house or a new apartment or even a motel in a pinch, and move your stuff out. Start putting the plans in motion and establishing a single life again.
Post # 7
He will get the message after you leave. Look at the bright side, at least you are not married yet.
Post # 8
@prahajess: Well, we are both from Louisiana but work and live in Oklahoma City. The apartment we live in is in my name along with the cable, etc. He said he was only staying in OKC because I couldn’t go home yet. (We work for the same company that has offices in OKC and Louisiana) I’m not ready to go home, or in a position with work to go back to the LA office.
It is kind of disturbing that he’s acting like nothing happened. I don’t know what else to do.
Post # 9
Good for you to realize this BEFORE the wedding! You don’t need to even get into a big fight or discussion, and you don’t even need to write a long letter. Just ‘Dear FI, after much thought and consideration, I realize that us getting married is not a good idea, and that we will both ultimately be happier going our separate ways. I will always think of you fondly, but am calling off the wedding. Enclosed please find your ring’ Then as PP say, *leave* and don’t respond to calls, emails, etc. The more you hash back and forth the more difficult it will be. This is going to hard on you but MUCH LESS HARD than a marriage you don’t want or a divorce. Please look around weddingbee at some ‘one year later’ posts from people who broke off engagements – they are much happier and sure that it was the right choice. This is your life we’re talking about, make good decisions!
Post # 10
I feel like such a horrible person for wanting to leave AGAIN. He is 32 and ready to get married and have children because his “clock” is ticking even if it means not being happy in that marraige. I’m only 24, and don’t get me wrong I can’t wait to have children, but I refuse to bring a child into an unhappy home or a soon to be broken marraige.
Post # 11
@MrsWoW: Where can I find these one year later posts?
Post # 12
You say that he’s been acting like nothing happened. Have you been acting like anything happened? Have you talked to him about moving out (either one of you)? Talked about trying to get back deposits on wedding venues? It sounds like he’s in denial, which can be a powerful thing. So I think it’s probably best to not wait for him to move forward on this break-up front, I think you’ll have to do that. Good luck!
Post # 13
I broke off an engagement about 8 years ago and, while it was one of the most trying times of my life, I can’t express how happy I am that I made that tough decision! I’m now planning a wedding with someone who is wonderful! You will thank yourself for avoiding one of the biggest disasters of your life.
Post # 14
@eeb01: There is a post right now about a bee who married the wrong man. She knew before she got married that she was making a huge mistake but still went through with it and now like 2 years later she is trying to figure out how to divorce her husband. She is so unhappy and is having such a hard time coming to terms with the idea of leaving her husband. End it now before you end up like her. Go to him and tell him “this is over, we need to figure out who is moving out” Don’t sugar coat or anything just say “It’s over.” Good luck and I hope you get this figured out soon!!!
Post # 15
I’m alarmed that your FI is willing to sacrifice a good marriage for kids! That is not a good environment for kids to grow up in. Everything you’ve written points to a very unhealthy relationship and I think you are better off breaking it now than getting married.
Post # 16
@eeb01: Call it off. Don’t worry about writing your feelings down – he won’t get that anymore than he does when you tell him your thoughts. You broke up once and nothing changed so it’s either deal with his garbage forever or break free now and live your life. Good luck!!