Post # 1
I was asked by a work friend I barely knew to be her Maid/Matron of Honor (I’ve known her for two years now). I feel very special that she thought to ask me instead of friends she has known for a longer time, but even at the time she asked I thought it was somewhat strange. We have become pretty good friends, but not BFFs like she assumes. I have dished out more money than I can afford on her wedding because she has crazy expensive taste, and my Fiance spent $200 on a tux (he is really mad) when he wasn’t even asked to be in the party, it was just assumed. He doesn’t particularly like the bride, but thinks the groom is okay. Her wedding planning has been more fustrating for me than fun, especailly now that I need to save for my wedding.
Right now, I am searching the forums trying to find ideas on what to say for her speech, because I don’t know her well enough to joke about “that one time when..” or special moments we have shared unless it only reaches back two years.
Now that you have an idea of her wedding situation, here is my question/problem:
I was asked by my Fiance four months before her wedding to get married next year. Her wedding hasn’t even come yet and she’s already hounding me to go dress shopping with her for my dress (I haven’t told her that I have already gone with my mom and found what I want) and constantly asking about details which tend to lead up to.. how many guests are you having? have you thought about who will be in the wedding party? How many Bridesmaid or Best Man are you going to have? etc. It makes me nervous because I don’t want her in my wedding party. People keep telling me that this will ruin our friendship if I don’t, but I barely know her and even though she thinks our taste and style match, I think they mostly clash.
I have avoided asking anyone to be in my wedding party because I am uncomfortable lying to her (even though I already am about how I have thought about my dress, party, etc.). I plan on asking a very old friend who lives cross-country to be my Maid/Matron of Honor, my cousin and the Best Man’s girlfriend to be in my party, and cut it off there.
I really don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I really don’t want her in my party. She is a good friend, but by no means my BFF. Help me!!
**btw thank you for bearing with me. It feels soooo good to get this off my chest**
Post # 3
What an awkward situation.
I don’t feel that you have to ask her to be in your bridal party just because she asked you, but try to break the news gently to her. I’d wait until after her wedding to do it, though.
Post # 4
I don’t think you need to ask to be in your wedding party. If you think it will change your friendship and that would bother you, could you ask her to be your personal attendant or give her another small role.
As far as the speech you could make it general, speak about what love is and wich them the best of luck in the future together. MAybe some kind of short poem.
Post # 5
Just tell her you wanted to keep the wedding party small. Use the time-honored, “If I didn’t, then the wedding party would be like 50 people!” I have 2 dear friends who got married and opted for tiny bridal parties, as did I, and no friendships were ruined–we all understood. If she is upset enough about this to let it ruin your friendship, then that’s her problem.
Post # 6
At least until after her wedding, I would avoid talking any details about your own, which I am sure you are doing. When she wants to talk about your wedding, try to shift focus onto her, and say “I’m not going to start planning until AFTER your wedding! This is your time!” Or something like that. Then when it comes to finally telling her who will be in your wedding party, just tell her that’s it has ALWAYS been your vision to have just your old friend and cousin. If she’s a good friend she thinks she is, she can’t argue that and be understanding.
Post # 7
First, I totally get where you are coming from! I have had something similar happen to me twice w/ coworkers. One chick told everyone we were best friends and would call me all hours of the night to talk about her bf – literally I never once hung out with this chick outside of work! And she would tell me that I was her closest friend. Then another coworker whom I never spoke with contacted me a year after she left saying she missed me & wanted me to go to her wedding, the whole situation was awkward b/c she wanted me to go to her shower & bachelorette party and we were by no means friends when we worked together, not to metnion that we didn’t speak after she left the job.
SO, in terms of your situation, I would tell her that when you were younger you promised your long time friend that she would be Maid/Matron of Honor in your wedding & you in hers (even if this part isn’t true, lie.) and then say that you also promised the other two girls, long before you met your coworker that they would one day be in your wedding. So sadly, as much as you want her to be in your wedding 😉 that you made these promises long ago & then give her a “special” job and ask her to do “X” like pass our programs, or help with a particular aspect of the wedding that way you show her that she is “important.”
Post # 8
Okay so first I think its a little strange that you waffle back and forth between saying you “barely know her” and she’s a “good friend.” I’m inclined to believe the latter… which is that you two are “good friends” (probably kind of work-bffs, I think we’ve all been there), but she just isn’t one of your best friends or even someone you necessarily hang out with a lot after work. If that’s the case, I think you need to cut her a little slack on how weird it is that she asked you to be her Maid/Matron of Honor. Maybe she just doesn’t have a lot of female friends and you’re the one she talks to most often so she thought you’d be the best one to be her Maid/Matron of Honor. I know that isn’t really the point of your post but I feel a litle badly for her because it seems like you’re maybe acting like a friend to her when you’re around her then when she isn’t around being like “her? I don’t know her.”
Anyways, about your wedding… I agree with pp who say when she asks about your wedding right now just tell her that you’re probably just going to wait to do a lot of planning until after her wedding, and even then you’re going to “let your mom take care of a lot of it” because your’e not that into it or something. (Although other than dress shopping I don’t really see why you couldn’t include her in the other chatting/planning really). As for her being a bridesmaid, I would just tell her that you’re having a small bridal party of just your oldest friends, maybe throw in a “me and Jane have been talking about being each others MOHs since we were in high school” or something.
But, overall, I would just try to be as nice as possible without actually lying.
Post # 9
I am already feeling better. You guys rock!
I actually have been completely avoiding talking about my wedding. Every time she complains about going dress shopping I give her her wedding date as a possible day to go, saying I’m totally free that day. 😛
Post # 10
@CorgiTales: I meant that when she asked me I hardly knew her. She is definitely a friend now. And I totally don’t fault her for not having many super close female friends, cause I don’t either, but her other BMs are much closer to her than me. That’s why I think it is somewhat strange.
Post # 11
@Munky: I would let her know that you have picked people already. I understand that she is a friend so maybe you can give her something to do so she does not feel totally left out.
Post # 12
@Munky: Well, I’ve known my two BMs since high school, more than ten years now (wow…) but my Maid/Matron of Honor is a friend from college. I picked my Maid/Matron of Honor because I couldn’t choose between my high school friends without hurting any feelings. Feelings may not have been hurt, but I didn’t want to take the chance. But if there was zero chance of that happening, I would have picked one of my HS friends as Maid/Matron of Honor. However as time passed, I made the right choice. So maybe her picking you over her much closer friends may be due to keeping the peace. I don’t know, just an idea.
Post # 13
@Elle_Neotoma: This is why I ask you guys! You think of things I didn’t. 🙂
Post # 14
To be honest, if someone from my wedding party didn’t ask me to be in theirs, I’d be very upset. I would just add one more person to the bridal party to avoid hurt feelings. If that’s not an option, could you maybe ask her to do something else special for you on the big day (like a reading during the ceremony, or carrying your train, or leading a flower girl, or something) so she doesn’t feel slighted?
Post # 15
First, I don’t think you have to ask someone just because you were in theirs. Everyone’s family and friend dynamics are different, and that should be understood. If that were the case, my best friend would have had over 30 people as BMs since she’s stood up in LOTS of weddings.
As far as the speech goes, find a nice poem and read it, don’t worry about having anecdotes to talk about.
Post # 16
@Munky: I can see why you don’t want her as ur Maid/Matron of Honor but you really don’t want her even in ur wedding party?? i mean what could it hurt??