(Closed) Help! I’m questioning our relationship. He’s become unaffectionate– Normal?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
988 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

We went through this about a year ago (about 4 years  into the relationship) I was seriously at my breaking point , I know it was because we were working completely opposite schedules and hardly ever got to spend quality time together and one day I was at school crying my eyes out because we never even made out anymore hardly ever kissed and I was convinced I would break up with him that night….as I got out of school there he was with a giant bouquet of flowers apologizing (all on his own because I hadnt mentioned how upset I was!) and saying he felt we were drifting apart and wanted us to be happy again 🙂 after that I knew we could get through anything as long as we were both willing to work at it. 

Post # 4
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

It sounds fairly normal to me.  The expectation that the romantic intensity of the 1st year will continue on and on just isn’t realistic for most couples. 

Personally, I think I got flowers from my FI more times in the first 6 months together than I’ll get from him for the rest of my life!  And that’s ok. 

The ideal fix for this would be for him to really listen to you and make more of an effort to make romantic gestures and say nice things – and on your part, for you to work on dialing down expectations a bit – things probably won’t be exactly as whirlwind as your 1st year was, and that’s ok and totally normal.

Post # 5
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

fi and i went through this as well.  i find that when fi has something big going on, like at work, or with his family, or even sometimes he just gets into a few month funk, he gets like this.  like jenny (above me) i was ready to break up with him, i kept hanging on, even through i told him how i was feeling and nothing had changed…but he always emerges a little while later, apologetic about how he has been acting and things work out…

relationships eb and flow, if you truly love him and want to spend your life with him, i say wait it out…try to find out what is going on in his life that could be causing this, and then try to help him with the stresses…

hugs, i hope this all works out for you, and you are able to start getting what you want/need from the relationship…

Post # 6
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

We always have to keep in mind that men are from mars and women are from venus.  We expect them to be perfectly sweet and affectionate but it cant happen.  Us women love to express our emotions and talk things out but men like to hide in their cave most of the time and figure things out on their own.  I see that you arent getting married for a little while so at least you have some time to mold him a little bit but always remember that we are different than our man.  My ex was the opposite, he was too much for me, sent me roses every wk and ALWAYS wanted to cuddle, and that bothered me alot.  If you truly love each other it will work out in the end

Post # 8
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I definatly can feel you on this one. I have been with my FI for almost 6 years now. It was actually about @ our 2 year mark where we had this breaking point. Everything was changing. He was getting more “compfortable” and I was still “head over heals” with affection. I tried to explain to him how it made me feel & he has made more effort. But it’s still not ideal for me. However; I was showered with hugs and affection growing up & he was not. So I really can’t blame him. He shows he loves me in different ways then I do. I recommend reading the book: The 5 Love Languages. I know you’ll read people suggesting it everywhere; but It really is a great book. It doesn’t really change anything but it does make you realize how every person expresses Love in different ways. I’ve found that my FI shows love by acts of service. He really apprieciates when I do things for him and that is how he shows it for me. When he wants me to know he loves me he waters the flowers. lol but I know that’s how he’s showing his “affection.” It’s not the way I show it; mine is more quality time together. So we do have to give and take. But I’ve learned to realize the small things he does. He does stop and give me a quick kiss or smack my butt sometimes; so I know he loves me. lol no matter how bad it may seem it’s just the way some guys are wired.

Post # 9
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

I agree with Demodreamer… it may also be an issue of Love Languages.

Are you big on Words of Affirmation?  I found it really illuminating to see what my wife’s love languages are… and vice versa – here’s a neat quick which helped on that front:

http://www.afo.net/hftw-lovetest.asp

It actually explained a lot to me about when one or both of us might feel less loved than usual…

Post # 10
Member
4024 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think it is pretty normal. We go through times when he doens’t seem affectionate enough, but it always passes and normally is due to stress from work or something

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