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(((HUGS))) You are not being unreasonable. You are a mother, that is job number one. And because your responsibilities are already so great, it is completely acceptable/right/good for you to take this decision seriously and be nervous. For real. Lets march through this. Lets talk it out.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
1) try and relax and write out a list of pros and cons of the situation (this sounds stupid, but it always works for me) then burn it, flush it, just get rid of it so he never sees it.
2) Take some time and really listen to what your heart is saying. This isnt something that will get better once you get married, it will only get worse as you get older.
With my ex, he was very emotionally unattached and I personally need someone who will be affectionate and sweet with me. I talked to my mom numerous times about it and she made me understand that Im not going to change him and that I wasnt willing to live with that for the rest of my life.
Im sending positive vibes to help you make this decision!
Wow -- first of all, sending you major HUGS.
Secondly -- think back -- has his behavior / attitude toward your daughter degraded as your relationship has progressed? How about his behavior / attitude toward you? If so, I think that is a big red flag.
Think about the things you love about him...have those characteristics become less prominent as time has gone on?
These are things that need to be carefully considered before making your decision.
If he is truly non-emotional, chances are he would not be into counseling together, which might be your best chance at working things out.
You are in a tough spot, but with deep reflection and if possible, the feedback of someone who knows you both, I think that what your next steps should be will reveal itself to you.
Whatever you decided I wish you the best and know that we are here for you!
More HUGS!
Yes, we are planning on going to counseling, but it's kind of a strange situation. I work at a church, so the pastor who's doing our pre-marital counseling is my boss. I expect that we'll cover the normal things - communication, money, relationships, but I'm afraid it will all be "skimming the top" as I don't know that my boss will really pry!
First and foremost, your daughter is your priority & it sounds like you know this already! I'm sorry to hear you and your FI are fighting but we all fight so that's not what worries me. What worries me is you saying that he is showing more than he is selfish and self-centered, and also that he is totally emotionally unattached from your daughter. Has he always been, or is it just recently? Is he jealous of her? Either jealous because of your affection towards her or jealous because she is not biologically his? Either one is bad, and no excuse for treating her poorly, I'm just trying to maybe get to the root of the cause... I don't know whether you should run right at this moment, but if I were you, I might seriously consider postponing the wedding until you all can go to counseling and work on these things. Otherwise there will turmoil galore in your marriage :(
BTW, my hubby is not very emotional either (I call it a side-effect of being male) but he is still affectionate towards me (touching my back, holding my hand, etc). I definately think that is important in a relationship and if you FI thinks it is "stupid" I don't see how that's going to work.
I should say that I don't think you have abnormal issues, or that this is an absolute dealbreaker. These are things that could actually improve, or you could both work on strategies to deal with them.
I have to think priority #1 is the relationship with your daughter. My suggestion at this point in time is to call a friend of yours to take her for the night, then hash it out. Do the big fight where you tell him your fears about their relationship. Get it out in the open. See how he responds. Don't bring in everything in your relationship, just your daughter. That is the dealbreaker, if he can't/won't get better. If you get a good feeling about that discussion, I think you could probably move forward.
i'm so sorry to hear this! i don't have a kid but it made me teary-eyed to read the part where he made your daughter cry..
is he always like that? if he is, then, i'm sorry but he is not the one. you are right about not wanting to be caught in between the two. you are a great mom, so i'm sure you are also a wonderful woman, i don't see why you can't find a much better man.
I would suggest seeking an additional marriage counselor to talk things through. Hopefully he is willing to go, and if not I would take that as an opportunity to bring up this gut feeling you're having and ask him if he is personally going through something he hasn't shared yet.
Apart from the other issues with his lack of emotion or attachment, it's not okay for him to treat your daughter like that. I'm from a blended family and my "parents" have a deal that they agreed on from day 1 - that my mum wasn't to discipline his daughter and that he wasn't to discipline me or my sister. Something like this is so vital to this kind of situation - he's not in a position where that's his job. It places a strain on your relationship and doesn't help anything between him and your daughter.
With regards to everything else you really need to listen to your gut feelings about how to proceed. Goodluck and I wish you and your daughter well.
I think the previous posters all make good points. I am so sorry to hear you're going through this but I also think it is much better to look at these issues up close before the wedding instead of lamenting over them after. If I were in your shoes I would feel the same about affection - that is really important to me and I think it would potentially be a dealbreaker although I know it's not a dealmaker/breaker for everyone.
I definitely think pre-marital counseling is a good idea with someone other than your boss. It would convey to your FI that this is something that needs serious work and attention and not just something that is required in order to get married. Have you been able to talk to him about your concerns? Or is that something you don't feel like you can do? If you don't feel like you can discuss these things with him that is another red flag but if you feel like you would be able to talk about it with a counselor it could be a sign that you'll be able to work through it together instead of feeling isolated or frustrated.
Good luck - sending big hugs and good thoughts!
I think if you have to ask,you already know the answers. If he isn't affectionate with your daughter at the age when they are the sweetest and most innocent (but also can be bratty),he isn't going to change and it isn't going to get better. You can make as many excuses for him as you want,but if he can't treat your daughter nicely,why would you want him? You are a package deal. If he doesn't want or can accept the whole package (no matter what the reasons) he doesn't deserve your time. Why set yourself up for heartache with this man?
You need to do some serious soul-searching and decide how important it is to you to have to worry about someone who is only giving his time and attention to one of you.
Wow. This is terrible. I'm so sorry. As parents our first dedication is to our children. My son is your daughters age and I know what you mean when you said she is your "WORLD".
If you feel like your child is being mistreated in the slightest way, you need to take action. It will only get worse if you don't stop it now. As a mother, it's your duty to protect your child and to speak up for her. I would simply ask him why he feels the need to be so hard on her. I mean come on...she's only 2!
I would also suggest postponing the wedding and seeking some family counseling with the three of you. In the end I hope that everything works out for the best, whatever you may decide.
I'm so sorry to read this.
Personally, I wouldn't run just yet. Your wedding is in the very near future, and your fiance is probably feeling extremely stressed and isn't handling his stress very well. When we don't realize our stress, we don't have much control over how we release it out to the world.
You're going to marry this guy, and he's going to become a father figure to your daughter. On the one hand, your job is a little more pressing than those of us who are marrying without children, because you're not only looking for a spouse for yourself but a father figure for your daughter. He's got to fit both bills. And maybe he's the right guy for you but not so much for your daughter. That's something you need to figure out. That's something he needs to figure out.
But also, maybe all he really needs is some education on parenthood. Don't assume that this is who he is. Remember, so many things impact what kind of a parent we become, including how our parents were toward us. This may be what he knows as "normal." As your daughter's mother, you're in a position to teach him the "normal" that you want to create for your daughter.
I imagine it must be hard to marry into a family as he's doing. Definitely do educate him. But also be patient and kind with him.
My last thought: You may want to get counseling with someone other than your boss.
Gals, I'd hoped that a good night's sleep would bring some wisdom and a new perspective on things - but no such luck! I'm just as perplexed (or more) than I was last night. He left my house mad, hung up on me on the phone (first time ever), and then hasn't called me back today. AND IN MY OPINION I AM THE ONE WHO HAS THE RIGHT TO BE MAD!
DO I call him first, be the bigger person? Do I just give him some time to think on things? I'm really feeling heavy hearted!
(((((hugs)))))
I think you almost have to give it time. While I agree that your daughter is your whole world, you have agreed to marry him, and even if he is acting like a butt right now, you also owe it to him to give him a chance. Also, who knows all the underlying factors right now. I do think that councelling (other than your pastor) might be worth looking into. It comes down to how much you both want to make it work. I think there are some good suggestions here (such as him not disciplining her at all so that you are not in the middle). Also, I think time will help you feel a little less heavy hearted and perhaps more clear headed. Good luck. I am sorry you are going through this.
I like the suggestion to have a close friend or relative have a sleep over with your daughter so that the two of you can really talk about things. He really could just be reacting poorly to stress due to the wedding and other things. Definitely should get that straight first before making any judgements.
That said, my mom's husband has always had a problem with me - not as much at first, but more and more as I grew up. He is very controlling and jealous - I was the one thing in the house that wasn't his, and he couldn't control my mom's feelings for me, so treated us both like absolute trash. I wouldn't want that for any youngster!
I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I can't tell you what is best or what to do, but i hope I can give you some insight reguarding your FI and daughter. My dad married my mom when my sister was 1 1/1. He had never been around kids or anything before, and it was REALLY hard. He had all these expectations of her, some unreasonable, and was a lot harder on her than my mom was. It was REALLY hard for them, but my dad just didn't understand. It took years for him to finally lighten up and see that he was expecting too much from a child. Same with my FI. I have a 2 year old too, and he is harder on him than I am. But I know that it isn't becuase he doesn't love him (he thinks the world of him) or anything, he just has never been around kids and doesn't understand what they are capable of. Also, men tend to have shorter tempers and less patience. Especially with little kids. They just don't know much about them. So, your issues with your FI are understandable, but you have to give him a little credit. He is trying to be a strong authoritative figure for your daughter. He doesn't understand what is reasonable to expect from her.
I think I might be the dissenting voice here...
I totally feel for you, Notreallyme, but can also see the perspective of your fiance. I, too, am entering into a relationship with a child. And it is hard. I'm not a parent, and trying to be a great stepparent is the hardest thing I've ever done. I don't know if I love my FH's son. I like him a lot of the time. He's a good kid. But he's not MY kid. When he's around, it completely changes the dynamic of my relationship with my FH. And there are days when 1. I'm tired and just don't have it in me to be patient. and 2. He just bugs me. And because he's not my child, I don't always have that innate love in me to give.
When my FH overrules something I have said (which is what you did by your own addmission above) it takes any and all power out of my hands. It makes me feel like there is no point in me trying to "parent" because my FH has clearly just shown that I "don't know what I'm doing since I'm not a parent and have never been married before."
My FH has also accused me of beng emotionally detached from his son, and I don't know how to explain it if you're not in the position: sometimes you have to emotionally detach to save your sanity and save your "self." I can't tell you how much it sucks - although this isn't fair - to not be #1 in the life of the person who is #1 in mine (my FH).
Can you cut your fiance some slack? Every person comes to parenthood differently, and I'm sure there have been times when you are overwhelmed too. Talk to him. Listen and don't accuse. And I would suggest family counseling - it's something I'm trying to convince my own FH to do.
Lastly, there is an article in this month's Self magazine that is the first time I have EVER read something that is so.right.on as to what it is like to be the "not" parent. I can't find it online, but it's on page 120 of the February edition. If anything, it might help give you some perspective.
Good luck!
Things have certainly gotten worse today, not better. I just spoke to him and he went off about random crap that he's been holding in. He said he knows that I'm the one, but that he's not going to change for me. WHAT???? Is that what a relationship is all about?
I think a relationship is about accepting someone for who they are and working on differences together to find a way that works for you both. It's about compromise and picking your battles, and only the two of you can know how to navigate that for yourselves.
To some extent, he is right that he can't change. His parenting style can change. His feelings for your daughter can change. But HE probably can't change.
I'm glad aplusb wrote in, because it is good to remember that what he is doing is really tough. Even though I discussed a big conversation, there is no way that that can "solve" the problems. What I think you need right now is a sign from him that he wants to be a good father and a good husband, and recognition that it will mean difficulty and hard work.
But aplusb is a good reminder that it will be work for you both. You also need to make sure you are just as committed to helping him and supporting his fatherhood role.
This sounds like the beginnings of what could become an abusive relationship. I would think about his treatment of you and your daughter in the past and see if it matches up with any of the tell-tale abuse signs. Don't feel bad- because you know you're seeing it now. I would try to talk to him about his behavior but if it doesn't change that 2 year old really needs you to be her protector more than anything else. I think you know that. So don't be afraid to "take a break" to sort it out.
I just want to give you a ((((big hug!)))). I have a 9 year old girl and, as other posters have wrote, know exactly what you mean when you say they are your WORLD.
I don't have any concrete suggestions - just that I know when my FI has too severe of a punishment I have had to sit down with him and tell him how a child thinks, and I don't have any problem pulling him into another room, mid-yell, to tell him how I want my kiddo raised. But I don't expect my FI to understand how to raise a child since he wasn't there for her 3am feedings, first word, first time she went potty on the potty, etc. . . . We have had to set up those boundaries and he is learning how to parent. I guess - I guess rome wasn't built in a day, and neither are families.
As to the other things - I don't have any suggestions. Let your pastor do his job. :)
I disagree that his behavior right now is necessarily abusive, but it does seem as though the two of you aren't on the same page in some important ways.
At the very least, it sounds as though you and FI have very different parenting styles, and his expectations of your daughter may be unrealistic given her age.
Did he elaborate on the statement that he, 'Wasn't going to change?" That could mean any number of things, some of which are pretty important. If he means he's not magically going to become more lovey-dovey, well, he's entitled to that feeling and you'll need to decide whether or not you can or wnt to work around that for the rest of your life. If he's trying to say that he has no interest in changing the way he interacts with your daughter or being open to learning new ways to parent, well, that's another kettle of fish - ESPECIALLY if the two of you intend to have children together.
@AzinAugust: Or it could be that an adult yelled at a 2 year-old and that 2 year-old cried. Or that he just isn't so great at being a stepparent yet - I assume he hasn't been at this that long if she's only 2.
Obviously we don't know the full story of what is happening in this relationship - only notreallyme and her FH know that - but I just want to caution against flinging out a word like "abuse" when we're advising someone to examine a relationship.
This is a hard one. I don't really know how to say all this because it is hard. My FI and I lived with his niece and nephew for a while and helped "raise" them, ie put them to bed, feed them, etc. It is hard when they aren't your own kid.
First mistake I see is not letting your FI know that your daughter had a 3 hour nap. Had he known this, he may have been a bit more understanding.
Secondly, parents get frustrated with their kids all the time. It doesn't mean he doesn't love your daughter or is trying to come between you. I can't even tell you how many times my parents got frustrated with us kids, we cried, and eventually we fell asleep. I wouldn't consider that "out of the norm" behavior.
Lastly, as the other poster said, if he is going to be a parent to your daughter, not her real father but a father figure then you have to respect his way of fathering. If you don't, then thats a whole other issue. You have to give him the space he needs to try to be a parent to your daughter. Obviously he is trying because he was in there trying to get her to fall asleep. You guys as a couple have to look at how to parent as a couple. Decisions have to be made jointly.
I know you said counseling is hard because its with your boss. What about looking at a parenting course or books or DVD that you and your FI could look at together. Bring up those hard discussions that you guys need to discuss together as a couple.
Best wishes.
I know I'm late posting, but I want to suggest that you run (please don't rip me up, everyone!). I have two step parents and FI has two as well, and the only one who was good to either one of us was his step mom, who is infertile and knows that she can't have any kids herself.
We discussed this in my psychology class too. Step parents, statistically, are more strict, initiate more arguments with the child, and are less likely to feel that they "love" the child. I'm not saying that it's impossible to be a good step parent, but some people aren't cut out for it, and it sounds like your FI is not. If he's mean now, it's only going to get worse. For your daughter's sake, I think you should run.
I just became a step mom to two teenage girls as well. My husband has full custody, their mom is gone. It's SO hard...so I can relate to your fiance. I would recommend some counseling, I am struggling with it as well. Some days the girls want to be my friends and then other times, they can be so rude and mean to myself and their dad. I've gotten to the point of letting things go and letting their dad do all of the disciplining, even though he doens't want to and wants me to be an adult role model. It's just very hard to be put in the step parent position, I had no experience parenting either. I would suggest counseling and also have him read up on stuff about step parenting. I have been advised to not discipline and to try and let the hubby do it....for the kids sake and my sanity! Good luck!
Well if you're feeling like this now chances are you'll feel like this two months from now after you walk down the aisle. Whatever you do though, do it first for yourself and then second for your daughter. You've got to set a great example for her and by letting him treat her badly and disrespect you it could be sending potentially harmful messages to her. You say he is selfish and self centered, that is a huge problem because when you're married there isn't really any more room for selfishness. He's always been selfish and self centered, he didn't just become this way throughout your relationship, you've just noticed more lately. He's not as lovey dovey as you'd like either is that something you can ignore for the rest of your life? These are questions and facts you should try to really focus on. Then one night without your daughter being there, have a talk with him about all this and how you feel. Give it a real heart to heart. If he can't handle the situation anymore there are plenty of men out there who will! Stay strong and keep your head up!
Wow. That really sounds like a sticky situation. Being a bride myself who has honestly had doubts about this marriage, I totally understand how complex a situation like that would be. You're probably done with most of your wedding planning, and you're probably excited to have the big event. It's really hard to balance the pros and cons of going through with a marriage if you are a woman, because woman have so many social pressures surrounding a wedding/marriage that cannot be shared with by men.
Here's what I tell myself whenver I hesitate about going through with the wedding (since my fiance has been acting like a big jerk lately): It's a commitment, but under the law, it's not a lifetime commitment. :) Honestly, if it turns out that he cannot find a way to really love your daughter and treat her the way she should be treated, then divorce is always an option! Better to go in with your eyes wide open than living in a fairytale dream....
Hope that puts your situation into perspective somewhat!
I think counseling is a good option. Could it be he is acting this way because he is wedding stressed?
Is there a such thing as a groomzilla?
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I am writing today from a fake name, as I am a huge Bee and love to be on here all of the time. Here's my deal. I'm having some MAJOR second thoughts. This has been getting worse the last couple of days. Part of it is probably because FI and I are fighting all of the time and we can't seem to agree about anything. But tonight was the final straw!
I'm a widow, who has a 2 year old daughter. He has always been much harder on my 2 year old daughter than I am - A LOT HARDER. He is 33 and has never been married, never had kids, never been around kids any length of time. Tonight, he was totally over-board re: my daughter. She didn't fall asleep the minute he put her to bed - it took her almost 45 minutes. (What he didn't know was that she had taken a 3 hour nap today at the babysitter). I went back to tell her to go to sleep, but here he came, completely over-ruled what I had said to her, yelled at her, made her cry, and then got mad at me for being too easy on her. He is so emotionally detached from her,
Bees, my daughter is my WHOLE world - she's the reason I breath! I will not spend the rest of my life being caught between the two of them. HELP. And this is not the only issue...There's more, but this is just the one that sticks out tonight. He's showing more and more that he's selfish and self-entered. He is completely non emotional, and thinks that being "lovey-dovey" is stupid! Is this knot in my gut telling me to run? Should I run now? Am I being unreasonable? HELP!!!