Post # 1
I am writing today from a fake name, as I am a huge Bee and love to be on here all of the time. Here’s my deal. I’m having some MAJOR second thoughts. This has been getting worse the last couple of days. Part of it is probably because Fiance and I are fighting all of the time and we can’t seem to agree about anything. But tonight was the final straw!
I’m a widow, who has a 2 year old daughter. He has always been much harder on my 2 year old daughter than I am – A LOT HARDER. He is 33 and has never been married, never had kids, never been around kids any length of time. Tonight, he was totally over-board re: my daughter. She didn’t fall asleep the minute he put her to bed – it took her almost 45 minutes. (What he didn’t know was that she had taken a 3 hour nap today at the babysitter). I went back to tell her to go to sleep, but here he came, completely over-ruled what I had said to her, yelled at her, made her cry, and then got mad at me for being too easy on her. He is so emotionally detached from her,
Bees, my daughter is my WHOLE world – she’s the reason I breath! I will not spend the rest of my life being caught between the two of them. HELP. And this is not the only issue…There’s more, but this is just the one that sticks out tonight. He’s showing more and more that he’s selfish and self-entered. He is completely non emotional, and thinks that being “lovey-dovey” is stupid! Is this knot in my gut telling me to run? Should I run now? Am I being unreasonable? HELP!!!
Post # 3
(((HUGS))) You are not being unreasonable. You are a mother, that is job number one. And because your responsibilities are already so great, it is completely acceptable/right/good for you to take this decision seriously and be nervous. For real. Lets march through this. Lets talk it out.
Post # 4
I’m so sorry you are going through this.
1) try and relax and write out a list of pros and cons of the situation (this sounds stupid, but it always works for me) then burn it, flush it, just get rid of it so he never sees it.
2) Take some time and really listen to what your heart is saying. This isnt something that will get better once you get married, it will only get worse as you get older.
With my ex, he was very emotionally unattached and I personally need someone who will be affectionate and sweet with me. I talked to my mom numerous times about it and she made me understand that Im not going to change him and that I wasnt willing to live with that for the rest of my life.
Im sending positive vibes to help you make this decision!
Post # 5
Wow — first of all, sending you major HUGS.
Secondly — think back — has his behavior / attitude toward your daughter degraded as your relationship has progressed? How about his behavior / attitude toward you? If so, I think that is a big red flag.
Think about the things you love about him…have those characteristics become less prominent as time has gone on?
These are things that need to be carefully considered before making your decision.
If he is truly non-emotional, chances are he would not be into counseling together, which might be your best chance at working things out.
You are in a tough spot, but with deep reflection and if possible, the feedback of someone who knows you both, I think that what your next steps should be will reveal itself to you.
Whatever you decided I wish you the best and know that we are here for you!
Post # 6
Yes, we are planning on going to counseling, but it’s kind of a strange situation. I work at a church, so the pastor who’s doing our pre-marital counseling is my boss. I expect that we’ll cover the normal things – communication, money, relationships, but I’m afraid it will all be “skimming the top” as I don’t know that my boss will really pry!
Post # 7
First and foremost, your daughter is your priority & it sounds like you know this already! I’m sorry to hear you and your Fiance are fighting but we all fight so that’s not what worries me. What worries me is you saying that he is showing more than he is selfish and self-centered, and also that he is totally emotionally unattached from your daughter. Has he always been, or is it just recently? Is he jealous of her? Either jealous because of your affection towards her or jealous because she is not biologically his? Either one is bad, and no excuse for treating her poorly, I’m just trying to maybe get to the root of the cause… I don’t know whether you should run right at this moment, but if I were you, I might seriously consider postponing the wedding until you all can go to counseling and work on these things. Otherwise there will turmoil galore in your marriage 🙁
Post # 8
By The Way, my hubby is not very emotional either (I call it a side-effect of being male) but he is still affectionate towards me (touching my back, holding my hand, etc). I definately think that is important in a relationship and if you Fiance thinks it is “stupid” I don’t see how that’s going to work.
Post # 9
I should say that I don’t think you have abnormal issues, or that this is an absolute dealbreaker. These are things that could actually improve, or you could both work on strategies to deal with them.
I have to think priority #1 is the relationship with your daughter. My suggestion at this point in time is to call a friend of yours to take her for the night, then hash it out. Do the big fight where you tell him your fears about their relationship. Get it out in the open. See how he responds. Don’t bring in everything in your relationship, just your daughter. That is the dealbreaker, if he can’t/won’t get better. If you get a good feeling about that discussion, I think you could probably move forward.
Post # 10
i’m so sorry to hear this! i don’t have a kid but it made me teary-eyed to read the part where he made your daughter cry..
is he always like that? if he is, then, i’m sorry but he is not the one. you are right about not wanting to be caught in between the two. you are a great mom, so i’m sure you are also a wonderful woman, i don’t see why you can’t find a much better man.
Post # 11
I would suggest seeking an additional marriage counselor to talk things through. Hopefully he is willing to go, and if not I would take that as an opportunity to bring up this gut feeling you’re having and ask him if he is personally going through something he hasn’t shared yet.
Post # 12
Apart from the other issues with his lack of emotion or attachment, it’s not okay for him to treat your daughter like that. I’m from a blended family and my “parents” have a deal that they agreed on from day 1 – that my mum wasn’t to discipline his daughter and that he wasn’t to discipline me or my sister. Something like this is so vital to this kind of situation – he’s not in a position where that’s his job. It places a strain on your relationship and doesn’t help anything between him and your daughter.
With regards to everything else you really need to listen to your gut feelings about how to proceed. Goodluck and I wish you and your daughter well.
Post # 13
I think the previous posters all make good points. I am so sorry to hear you’re going through this but I also think it is much better to look at these issues up close before the wedding instead of lamenting over them after. If I were in your shoes I would feel the same about affection – that is really important to me and I think it would potentially be a dealbreaker although I know it’s not a dealmaker/breaker for everyone.
I definitely think pre-marital counseling is a good idea with someone other than your boss. It would convey to your Fiance that this is something that needs serious work and attention and not just something that is required in order to get married. Have you been able to talk to him about your concerns? Or is that something you don’t feel like you can do? If you don’t feel like you can discuss these things with him that is another red flag but if you feel like you would be able to talk about it with a counselor it could be a sign that you’ll be able to work through it together instead of feeling isolated or frustrated.
Good luck – sending big hugs and good thoughts!
Post # 14
I think if you have to ask,you already know the answers. If he isn’t affectionate with your daughter at the age when they are the sweetest and most innocent (but also can be bratty),he isn’t going to change and it isn’t going to get better. You can make as many excuses for him as you want,but if he can’t treat your daughter nicely,why would you want him? You are a package deal. If he doesn’t want or can accept the whole package (no matter what the reasons) he doesn’t deserve your time. Why set yourself up for heartache with this man?
You need to do some serious soul-searching and decide how important it is to you to have to worry about someone who is only giving his time and attention to one of you.
Post # 15
Wow. This is terrible. I’m so sorry. As parents our first dedication is to our children. My son is your daughters age and I know what you mean when you said she is your “WORLD”.
If you feel like your child is being mistreated in the slightest way, you need to take action. It will only get worse if you don’t stop it now. As a mother, it’s your duty to protect your child and to speak up for her. I would simply ask him why he feels the need to be so hard on her. I mean come on…she’s only 2!
I would also suggest postponing the wedding and seeking some family counseling with the three of you. In the end I hope that everything works out for the best, whatever you may decide.
Post # 16
I’m so sorry to read this.
Personally, I wouldn’t run just yet. Your wedding is in the very near future, and your fiance is probably feeling extremely stressed and isn’t handling his stress very well. When we don’t realize our stress, we don’t have much control over how we release it out to the world.
You’re going to marry this guy, and he’s going to become a father figure to your daughter. On the one hand, your job is a little more pressing than those of us who are marrying without children, because you’re not only looking for a spouse for yourself but a father figure for your daughter. He’s got to fit both bills. And maybe he’s the right guy for you but not so much for your daughter. That’s something you need to figure out. That’s something he needs to figure out.
But also, maybe all he really needs is some education on parenthood. Don’t assume that this is who he is. Remember, so many things impact what kind of a parent we become, including how our parents were toward us. This may be what he knows as “normal.” As your daughter’s mother, you’re in a position to teach him the “normal” that you want to create for your daughter.
I imagine it must be hard to marry into a family as he’s doing. Definitely do educate him. But also be patient and kind with him.
My last thought: You may want to get counseling with someone other than your boss.