(Closed) Help, Im Scared!

posted 9 years ago in Parties
Post # 3
120 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018 - St. Charles Borromeo Church/Jefferson-Orleans North

I don’t know what to tell you about stopping him from seeing strippers. However, I can tell you to try to ease your mind a little (from my girl friends telling me that used to go to hang out with guy friends) that most stripper places aren’t like the ones you see in movies. The girls are very professional…they do their dance, get their tip and go off. I’ve never been to one personally, but I believe my friends and it puts me at ease to where I don’t care if my fiance goes for one last hurrah. ๐Ÿ™‚ Hope this helps!

Post # 4
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I know there have been lots of negative postings regarding the Lady Locals, but you have to trust your Fiance. You can’t follow him and prevent him from going that night, but make sure you are both completely on the same page. Which it sounds like to me you have told him. That’s all you can do until something bad happens. Sit him down, explain to him how worried you are, and you don’t mean to be in his face about it, but it’s really eating at you. Tell him how upset you are! Surely it would bother him to know. Tell him his Bridesmaid or Best Man worries you because you’re afraid he may plan one without your FI’s knowledge and you would be so heartbroken if he went. Tell him a good marriage is based on trust, and you need him to really truly tell you he won’t go if that is his intention. I think that is all you can do for now. 

Hopefully your Fiance will realize this and doesn’t have the desire to know that he’s making you that upset. Love and respect are powerful things, and so is the fear of hurting the one you love. If you believe he is lying to you, though, then I think you may have an underlying trust issue. Which, if you can’t work through together, will taint your marriage and only cause problems down the road. I know you said you have trust issues, but you are with this man for a reason. If he hasn’t hurt you yet, then you have nothing to be afraid of. You don’t want to constantly be bringing up the "strip club" issue or make yourself sick thinking about him doing inappropriate things when he’s on a business trip or out of town. You’ll become a nagging wife who doesn’t trust her husband, and he will resent that. I hope he sees where you are coming from and understands that you are worried, assures you everything will be ok, and you go on to have a beautiful wedding in 8 weeks full of nothing but happiness because the strip club never happened. Good luck!

Post # 5
2641 posts
Sugar bee

Oh honey, I’m sorry.  I’ve had some of those feelings before.  Is it that you aren’tsure you trust your Fi, or that maybe you are more concerned about what the best man will plan?  There is a big difference there.  Are you worried that your Fiance wouldn’t plan a stripper for himself, but if there (compliments of best man) he might enjoy it?

Unfortunately, you can’t control what the best man does.  It doesn’t make it OK, for him to do, but there’s only so much you can do.  If your Fi is the great guy you are planning to marry, don’t throw your life away because of something the best man does.  Perhaps you can discuss with your Fi this scenario and how it bothers you.  What’s the plan?  Instead of you talking to the best man, your Fi needs to tell him, no strippers.  Can he ditch the party at that point, if there are stripper?  Call you to pick him up?  Kick his best man out of the wedding?  Having a plan might make you feel better.

If you fear that your Fi really wants strippers and will do it behind your back, you have a different problem.  You’ve explained how you feel, and how important it is.  Personally, I agree that strippers are wrong.)  If it means that much to you that it is a deal breaker for getting married, then that’s someting for you to decide for yourself.

Good luck, (hugs).  Keep us posted.  We’re in your corner.

Post # 6
68 posts
Worker bee

I agree with you on the stripper part, I use to work at a club and I never enjoyed watching all the skeezy bachlors come in drunk and hitting on the girls, but I’d say 95% of the bachalor party’s the Bachalor was generally well behaved and often times would not stop talking about the fiance. It was usually the guys friends that were the problem. I think you need to relax a little. You have obviously made it quite clear to him and his best man how you feel and hopefully they have enough respect to listen and not have strippers, but if they don’t I would not get more upset with your guy. I don’t think telling him that if he does and he lies about it that you will call of the wedding will make much of a difference. he will just lie and make sure you never find out about it. Tell him how you feel tell him you feel disrespected if strippers are involved, but tell him, since in a way it is out of his control to a certain point, that if it does happen please don’t do anything he wouldn’t if you were there. Meaning yea he might look like I’m sure all men check out other women on the street and stuff, but they don’t touch or them or hit on them. You said yourself you have a lot of trust issues and I’m not one to judge, but marriage is about trust and you need to learn to let it go a little. Trust will make your relationship stronger trust me I’m not much for taking my own medicine, but try and not think about it. Do something else to keep your mind off of it. If it happen it happens there nothing you can do about it except what you said which is call of the wedding, but that won’t change anything. Relax. I hope this helped a little

Post # 7
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m sorry you’re so anxious right now.  It sounds like you’ve hit panic mode, so I think the first thing you need to do is take a couple of deep breaths.  Then I think you need to decide if you mean to carry through on your threat.

Then, I’d think about why–not to second guess yourself but to make sure you know, and have thought through your reasons.  When you are calm and comfortable and the kids aren’t around, bring it up again–but I wouldn’t make this your normal conversation.  I’d have the conversation once and let it be.  Maybe try something along these line: "Honey, I know your bachelor party is this weekend and you know I’ve been anxious about it.  I want to let you know that I’m really not comfortable with you going to strip clubs and here is why.  XYZ.  I do not think I could marry you if you go.

The good news is that you’re talking about this BEFORE the party, which means that both you and your fiance have time to think and talk about it.  I hope that you can have an honest and constructive conversation.

Good luck. 

Post # 8
31 posts
  • Wedding: April 2009

I have to ask, what are you so afraid of?  Are you afraid of a stripper touching him?  Would it be that bad if she put her whatever body part you can think of in his face?  What would really happen if she did?  Nothing.  He’s not allowed to touch the stripper, so nothing would happen in that club.  Are you afraid of him wanting to do more with the stripper afterwards?  If so, then I think you have a bigger issue on your hands.

Here’s my opinion on the situation…yeah it’s gross, but it’s just a thing that guys do.  It’s like a rite of passage, and the more you get upset about it, the worse he feels because he’s put in a bad situation between you and his friends. 

My fiance went to Vegas and did the strip club thing and I didn’t care…again, it’s gross, but I didn’t judge him, and I fully trusted him…I never once thought anything inappropriate would happen.  I would try to put it out of your head and just let him have his fun. 

Sorry if that sounded harsh…didn’t mean it to be…just trying to put things into perspective!

Post # 9
484 posts
Helper bee

I have some concerns about this as well. My Fiance isn’t into the whole stripper thing, and I know he’s not just saying it. He has been to bachelor parties in the past where there were strippers and, while I think it’s lame and cheesy, I didn’t really have many concerns about it. It wasn’t about him after all. I know that he would rather play golf, have some beers with his mates, go to a sports game etc.

What worries me is that my Fiance isn’t going to be planning his bachelor party. His best men are (his brothers). I love his brothers, they are great guys. But they are both younger and are more party animals than my Fiance. I worry they think it will be funny to have something dumb like a stripper around. Also, my Fiance has this friend that I really don’t like, who really would think that having a stripper there is what needs to be done and he would organize it.

I know the argument that it’s what guys do, right of passage, blah blah. But I think that’s crap. I would feel like a fool if there were strippers there, especially since it wouldn’t be what my Fiance wanted either (though he would go along it with and not want to ruffle feathers among the boys). I don’t worry about what would go on and I wouldn’t consider him being unfaithful by getting a lap dance. Quite frankly I would just feel humiliated that all my Fiance friends think he needs to see some other naked woman because I am what he is going to be stuck with for the rest of his life.

Post # 10
34 posts
  • Wedding: August 2009

I am guessing that your trust issues are rooted in some experience in the past, whether with your fiance or not.  I think you need to make sure to be open with him about what went on and how it’s affecting your feelings about his party, his friends, etc.  Whether he’s the cause of this insecurity or not, you owe it to him to disclose anything that’s affecting you this much emotionally.  Just like you want him to be honest with you about what he’s doing, you need to tell him why you’re feeling this way.  No projecting on what might happen– the question is where do the trust issues come from?

Truthfully, I think most women are grossed out by the thought of their fiances with strippers.  Come on, who wants to think about it?  But if you have a relationship that’s worth all this stress, nothing would happen with the stripper anyway.  If anything bad does happen, then regardless of whether it did at his bachelor party, those problems would manifest themselves in other areas of your relationship and still cause problems.

@Aloweha, I understand your feelings, but I think we women need to stop looking at the stripper experience as a reflection on what our fiances or their friends think of us.  I guarantee you that in his friends’ minds, it’s just "Mr. Aloweha’s last chance to do something this macho, this ridiculous, this childish."  I think that’s the appeal.  Strip clubs are pathetic places for married men… he could still go, but it would be pitiful and stupid.  They look at this as their last chance to do foolish guy things with him.  Even the fiance of a supermodel would still (probably) have a bachelor party. 

Post # 11
484 posts
Helper bee

Thanks Carolina Girl for understanding and trying to explain it from another angle. I know in my head his friends aren’t thinking Mr. A really needs to see a girl gyrate around because after this he’s only going to have old Aloweha. It just that this is my Fiance, my Fiance friends that I hang out with, my Fiance brothers, and god-forbid if my brothers and our fathers are there. I could never be comfortable around them knowing that some naked woman danced all over my Fiance in front of them. I guess it also has to do with the fact my Fiance is 29, he’s had plenty of time to be foolish and immature. I’m 28, I’ve had plenty of time to be foolish and immature. We’re grown-ups now that respect each other and are getting married. I would feel incredibly stupid and disrespectful to our relationship if I had the typical bachelorette of running around drinking out of penis shaped bottles and being ‘dared’ to get a guy to lick salt off me or something.

I feel bad because I’ve kind of hijacked this post from lilblondie. I think the advice so far has been good. As long as you are honest and open about your feelings and comfort levels before the party happens, there is not much more you can do about it. You can’t stop him, you can’t stop his friends, you can only decide what you can live with and what you can’t and convey that to your Fiance.

Post # 12
1 posts

I have to disagree with much of the advice you have gotten.  I see it falls into several categories.

1.  He can’t help it, because it is what his friends are planning.

The reason that this is bad advice  is because, if you are marrying him you have the right to expect that he should be mature enough to be able to indicate to his friends what he wants and doesn’t want and to prioritize you. Also, if his friends plan something that upsets you, and he permits or even condones that, then that bodes very poorly for your marriage.  That is a big red flag.

 2.  If he is the great guy you know that he is, then nothing would happen.

The reason  that that is bad advice it because, if your boundary is strippers, then going to a strip club, is by definition, having something happen.  I have a friend in an open relationship and she thinks that her husband having sex with someone else is meaningless to their relationship–as in nothing happens.  But, she has no right to impose her boundary on me (and she doesn’t).  Just because other women don’t think ogling strippers is anything, doesn’t mean that you should feel the same way.  And lap dances are darn intimate.  I never understood why a few millimeters of clothes between someone and a naked girl made it nothing.  But, if some people are OK with that, so be it.  You don’t  have to be fine with it, and no one else has the right to tell you it is "nothing."


3.   Why don’t you trust him.

That is again misdirected.  You don’t trust him because you have made it clear how you feel and he still says he "doesn’t know" what will happen.  You would trust him if he told you "I know that you are uncomfortable with strip clubs.  I don’t want to hurt your feelings, especially at this time in our lives when we are making this big commitment to each other.  I will tell my best man that we can do fun things for my bachelor party, but I expect him to respect you above all, and there will be no strippers.  I fully expect he will respect  my wishes, and you, as otherwise, he would not be my best man."   I am not sure why some bees don’t think that it is reasonable for fiances to assert themselves in this manner or for them to respect their brides.

 4.  It is the last chance for the guys to have fun with him.

That’s ridiculous.  He is getting married, not going to jail or dying.  Besides,  if fun means naked women, then his last chance was years ago, whenever you two became monogamous.

As an aside, I fully agree with the bee who said that she would be embarrassed to stand at the altar and say her vows in front of men whose last vision of her future husband was of him ogling a stripper or having a naked stripper all over him.  Although many people have convinced themselves that this is just a fun party, it is actually disrespectful to the bride, and especially so if she is upset by it.  I know that if I was to strip and give men lapdances before I got married, in front of all my girlfriends, in a way, I would be saying to them that I don’t respect my fiance.  And, if my girlfriends pushed me to do this, I would be very angry with them. 

I am not sure why so many women who feel violated by the bachelor party plans convince themselves that they need to put up with it, or become cool with it.  This is the most important time of our lives.  We put so much thought (and often money) into the wedding celabrations, the vows, and everything else that symbolizes our love for each other.  I’m not sure how strippers became normalized in this context, but if you are not comfortable with it, do not let people shove it down your throat.  You must discuss this with him.  You must be clear how this upsets you.  And, then, if he disses you despite all of that, you have a real problem.  And, I am not sure how someone can feel good getting married knowing their clearly stated boundaries and feelings have been ignored.  













Post # 13
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Just because the best man is a womanizer doesn’t mean your guy is.  And, just because his friends may take him to a strip club, it doesn’t mean that he’s going to go crazy like his friends might do.

I don’t know him, of course, so I don’t know whether or not you should be concerned, but you know your guy better than anyone.  And, just because his friends act a certain way doesn’t mean he will. ๐Ÿ™‚  I mean, we all have some friends who are crazier than others, don’t we?  

Best Wishes!

Post # 14
25 posts
  • Wedding: March 2018


Post # 16
495 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

It sounds like you have a lot of things going on and you need some support.  It is totally legitimate to be upset about strippers.  Some people don’t mind their FI’s doing that, and others do.  You obviously fall in the latter category, which is absolutely fine. 

Just remember to talk to your fiance about what you are feeling, because I think that can only help strengthen your relationship, and hopefully he will be able to make you feel better about things.

However, jealousy issues, previous abuse, children and all of the other things you have mentioned are serious, difficult things to deal with.  You mentioned you have lost your friends due to having children.  Do you have any family you can lean on?  It sounds like you really need to talk to someone.  Are you able to go to some counseling?  Either by yourself or as a couple?  I think that the strippers issue is probably just a sign of all the other things going on that need addressing.   


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