Post # 1
I’m looking for some suggestion or ideas for my unique issue.
Here’s a little background information…I have been with my FH for 7 years. He has an 8 year old that lives with us 90% of the time. before we got engaged, I started to think about ways to have her in the wedding to make her feel specialand know that besides her dad, she is the most important person in my life. she really wants to be our flower girl so, I decided to make her my MOH/flower girl so that she can be my flower girl but will also get to stand next to me during the ceremony. I have 3 nephews and my FH decided that he want my 9 yr old nephew as a groomsman then my younger nephews will be the ring bearers. This way all 4 of our important little people will be involved in our wedding day.
Now here’s some background on the other 8 yr old…I have a friend that I’ve known since kindergarten. We were NOT friends during school but ended up working together after high school and became close. I was the first person that she told when she thought she was pregnant so I’ve known her daughter for her entire life. There were about 3 years that we lost touch until I took my FH’s daughter to her kindergarten orientation 4 years ago. It just so happened that the girls go to the same school. The girls are now in 3rd grade and have gotten So close that they call each other sisters.
Here’s my dilimma…my friends daughter keeps asking if she gets to be a flower girl in the wedding. I don’t know what to do! I talked to my FH and he asked me why I just didn’t make her a flower girl. I explained to him that I already I made up this super special position for his daughter because it’s a big day for the 3 of us. I don’t want to take away from her small spotlight as my MOH/FG by having another flower girl. Plus the flower girls would be matching but I want my FH’s daughter to stand out since she is also my MOH. Maybe I’m just being stubborn but I don’t want her friend in the wedding. I want my FH’s daughter to know how much she means to me. Also, this little girl feels entitled to be a FG because she says they’re “sisters.” Her grandpa is getting married and she is insisting that she is his only flower girl and doesn’t want any of her cousins to be a FG with her.
Do any of you have suggestions on what I can do? I don’t want to hurt her feelings but I don’t want to give in just because she feels she should be a FG.
Post # 2
Don’t be bullied by an eight year old! Say she gets to attend as a guest and eat all the cake she can eat.
Post # 3
Have you asked your soon to be stepdaughter what she wants?
Post # 4
JenGirl: I know that she REALLY wants to be the flower girl. I’m planning on having a serious talk with her to tell her how important she is to me and that I want her to be my MOH/FG but haven’t figured out a way to ask. She’s the sweetest most caring and thoughtful person in the whole entire world so I know she would want her friend to be a FG too just to make her friend happy. For that reason, I feel that I have to make the call on her friend.
ardowns: I like the way you think! I told the girls I want them to dance the night away so maybe I’ll “hire” her as my dancing entertainment or something like that.
Post # 5
Rsallythatgrl2: Give her another role. Like handing out programs or something.
Post # 6
If they see each other as sisters, I think it would be nice for them both to be flower girls, as long as they’re both happy with it. Plus, kids get stage fright too, if she has a friend with her, she won’t be nervous.
Post # 7
I totally get that you don’t want her to feel pressured to let her friend be a flower girl. But I’m just thinking that when I was a little girl I was a flower girl along with my cousin and I thought it was super cool that we were flower girls together. I didn’t care about sharing the spotlight. I cared about having fun with my cousin. So Just think through if she would want her friend to be a flower girl with her just to make her friend happy, or if she might actually enjoy it. Also, have you thought about doing a family unity ceremony? Like a sand pouring? That would be a really nice way to show how much you care about her and are excited to have her as your family. And she doesn’t need to be a MOH to stand next to you! She can stand next to you as a flower girl! Obviously I would do what you think your soon to be step daughter would really want and not worry about disappointing this other little girl. But really think about what your daughter would want and don’t assume she wouldn’t want her friend as a flower girl.
Post # 8
Where’s your friend, the parent, in all of this? I find it odd that your letting an 8 yr old tell you what to do.
Post # 9
We do not have to protect children from ever experiencing any disappointment in life. She will get over it.
She is going to be the flower girl at her grandpa’s wedding. Your stepdaughter will be the flower girl at your wedding. Score tied!
Post # 10
Rsallythatgrl2: Tell her you already have a flower girl, explaining what a stepdaughter is, and give her something else to do.
Post # 11
You “owe” nothing to this child, it is your wedding, end of story. She will get over it, and if she doesn’t that is her mothers problem and not yours, and even then you are doing nothing wrong by putting your foot down.
Post # 12
Rsallythatgrl2: Two types of people I don’t negotiate with — terrorists and kids. I kid. Kind of.
I would pull the other girl aside and ask her how she’d feel if your daughter were a FG in the Gpa’s wedding. She probably wouldn’t be for it. If she is, call her bluff.
Also, at the end of the day, you’re the adult and “because I say so.” is a perfectly valid reason. It worked for my mom and dad when I was a kid and it should especially work now since she’s 8, not 18.
If you do end up having her in the wedding, your daughter can wear a super special dress or hair piece or something. But I personally wouldn’t give in. Just the way the story’s told reeks of 8 year old entitlement.
Post # 13
Kids tend to only get very very excited about being in weddings because some adult is feeding that to them.
My FI’s niece/nephew barely know what a wedding is or what happens at a wedding or that kids are even in weddings. At some point, someone tried to get the niece/nephew all excited about being in our wedding. I don’t particularly care if there are any kids in the wedding- that’s not important to me, but someone got in the kid’s ears to try to make the kids think it was important. Next thing you know, it isn’t going to work for the niece/nephew’s parents to bring the niece/nephew to the wedding anyway, so they won’t be in the wedding or even at the wedding. and they’re fine.
kids shouldn’t be involved in these discussions or decisions anyway imo.
The adults who got this little girl excited about being in your wedding can and should easily calm her down about it. (or is your soon to be stepdaughter hyping her up on it?) And if you or anybody else is talking about the wedding around the other little girl, just stop. completely. she’ll forget. she’s 8.
Post # 14
bitsybee: I completely agree with not negotiating. I see her everyday so I think I just don’t want her to be sad since we are so close. It really is 8 yr old entitlement at its worst! Asking her if my daughter can be FG in her grandpas wedding is a great idea! She gets really jealous of FH’s daughter because we have a pretty “normal” family life which is different from her life with her single mom.
Shkragoldfish: I asked my daughter about it and she said her friend told her since they’re “sisters” then they both get to be FG’s. My daughter actually told her friend yesterday that I haven’t asked anyone to be in my wedding so right now it’s just the bride and groom in the wedding.
Thank you so much for everyone’s input! I really appreciate it! Thanks to your ideas and comments, I’m feeling much better about telling her that I will only have 1 FG. I think I’m going to have to have a talk with her and explain how special my relationship is with my FH’s daughter and that because of that, I only want 1 flower girl BUT I would love it if she could help with programs, getting people to dance, or maybe make her in charge of fixing my dress before I walk down the isle or when we are taking pics. the wedding is in a little over a year so she will have time to mature a little more before taking on the dress job.
Post # 15
MrsTywinLannister: Spoken like a true Lannister.