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I totally feel your dad. I had 5 family members at my wedding and about 90 were DH's family. So, needles to say, dad decided not to pay for "all those other people". I think you should just tell your FMIL that your parents are paying and would like to keep it small due to money reasons, so you and your FI should make a cut off (no great aunts, no second cousins, etc...keep it to like, first tier family maybe?) and say it's final and taht's that. If FMIL gets pissy she can contribute some dinero to cover all the people. I know people get ofended, but uh, money doesn't grow on trees. You could also just approach your FMIL with your FI and say "look, my dad is contributing X amount" and see if she'll contribute, then you can afford the bigger wedding? Unfortuantely whoever pays sorta gets final say. He has to be comfortable spending his money.
You also might have to break it down 50/50 and say that FI gets # of invites and you get # of invites, and then if there's any leftover, he can invite some extra people.
We sort of went through this exercise because FI was inviting people from like 3 jobs ago and i had to put a stop to it haha ;o)
We had to draw a firm line. No second cousins, great aunts, etc. It was hard, and it means my cousins can't bring their children (I love kids, and it is a kid-friendly wedding) but adding second cousins added ~20 people. We just drew the tough line, then had to stick with it.
We wanted 200 people so we split it three ways. My parents invited about 70, my in-laws invited about 70 and my fiance and I invited 35 each.
Give them a number and they can decide who is important enough to make the cut.
Since your father is paying for the wedding, you prefferably your fiance will state that he has given you a budget that will cover X amount of guests. Your side gets half and so does his. If they insist on inviting the nieghbor of their grandfather's best friends dog sitter, then they can cover the additional costs.
same thing is happening to me- 'destination wedding' for all my guests, going to puerto rico. but he is puerto rican so all family available is on the list. .. .(the one that gets me is his best friend, his best friend's two brothers, and his best friend's parents!) it doesnt seem fair to me- if i had as many guests as him . .. but i dont, so he gets more?!
i caved because he made me understand how important they were to him, but we are the only ones paying so it is our decision to make... ..
but just becasue someone else is paying doesnt make them king! them paying is a GIFT, but it is stil YOUR wedding.
This is a difficult situation indeed. I'd say you and FI need to sit down together first and figure out if he thinks it's necessary to invite great aunts, second cousins, etc (I mean does he REALLY talk to them regularly or see them?). FMIL shouldn't be involved in this - it's between you and your FI in the end. I would sit down with him and let him decide who he thinks it's important to have there, not what his mother wants. At the same time, in order to keep the peace, you might give his parents A FEW people that they can invite on top of the people that your FI thinks he definitely wants there.
Just my 2 cents.
Bella
I had this problem too. After we had cut it to first cousins, etc and adults only, FMIL added an additional $1,200 of people to our list. My family is paying for the entire wedding. Anyway, after a screaming argument between FI and I about this (he was taking his mother's side), he called her and told her that they can come to our second reception (yes, we are even having a second reception soley for their huge family who didn't mak the cut for our 200 person wedding). Since then, things have been chilly between her and I. We haven't even spoken and this was over a month ago. Do I regret cutting out the additional people? No. But I'm also not thrilled that as a result, I have started to feel very resentful towards her.
I think you may need to talk to your FMIL directly, rather than going through FI to do it and just tell her that you are already over budget and as it is, you have been very accomodating with their side of the family sicne they are already taking 70% (or whatever) of the guest list, when traditionally, it is 50/50. If she still gives you pushback, then you can throw the trump card of that you are paying for it and that is the way it is.
As sad as it is, I really don't think FMIL's realize how selfish and rude they come across when they try to bully the bride into inviting more people. I can say for a fact that my relationship with my FMIL, which was very good prior to us getting engaged, has taken a turn for the worse since the planning has begun.
Do you think you could match the number of guest your parents are inviting with his family. Then if they want to invite more, they will have to pay for each additional guest.
Just because his family is bigger and that they are closer by doesn't mean you have to invite them. Weddings are expensive and inviting someone out of convenience is really going to make your guest list excessively big when it doesn't have to.
Ug! Going through that. FMIL giving us a list of people even my FI hasn't seen since he was a toddler and even though I have a small family, they are footing the ENTIRE bill, and my parents are difficult to deal with, to say the least, so it's this weird delicate balance between making my parents feel that they are apprecaited and respecting my FMIL's big family.
FI parent's haven't offered ANYTHING at all and we are even concerned about asking them for the rehersal dinner but my parents are drawing a thin line on what they are willing to spend. Actually, anything outside of my parent's budget comes out of my FI and I's budget, and we don't make hardly anything bc we just graduated. I started cutting some friends of ours that we haven't hung out with in a while, mostly bc we are a little insulted about this, and very extended family on his side next. For some reason I have the final say and all the decisions are landing on me, not as fun as it sounds, so I'm making the cuts.
Will I miss an old friend that much? No.
Will I regret not inviting FOTG's cousins who neither of us have met. No
Will I miss having my hair professionally done and picking the bouquet of my dreams? Yes!
I truly just want people there we both love and respect, who've encouraged us and make an effort to be there and interact with us, who come to our parties and who send christmas gifts. Everyone else is B list material.
@ Mrs. Louboutin- you're like my twin. that's exactly what happened with me. and it sucks. has your FMIL been any better?
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hello, i have a guest list and about 75-80% of it is the grooms side of the family...this is including second cousins, grandparents siblings, gerat aunts ect. and because they all live in the area that we are having the wedding am i obligated to invite them? the grooms mom is being very persistant on the issue and my father (who is paying for the wedding) is not to thrilled about inviting all these people...espically when my WHOLE family is traveling to come to our wedding. any ideas?! i really dont like conflict and i dont wanna make my new family mad at me already!