- 3 years ago
Hi everyone! I’ve been dealing with a very unique and difficult situation and I have not found any advice that can see me through this!
first off my fiancé and I are lesbians and also my fiancé is transgender. This means that they were born male and for the last six years they have been living as a female. We have been together for four and a half years and we are 27 and 30. We have both held ft jobs until I was laid off last year. Due to economic hardship we are now living with D (fiances) parents. D’s parents have always been accepting of our relationship ( we think they have an easier time accepting her trans status bc she is dating a woman) we’ve been living with them for about 8 months. D’s parents are very well off. (Ski house, large family home, luxury cars etc.) D grew up very reliant on parents for money and they still own her car etc. they have also done nothing to instill a sense of independen e in her. While she grew up they weren’t very involved and she was with baby sitters or at camp etc. She is not close to her parents. They are typical wasps and bc D is not an Ivy League grad with an MBA and a corporate job ( d us a musician. And works ft as a cafeteria worker and dropped out if college) they see her as a disappointment and she knows this, we don’t know if the transgender issue is part if it bc they support it financially and on the surface. But it seems wgen they arent golfing or vacationing they make little criticisms and shoot down her ideas to improve herself (getting a new wig, going to schools online )
enter me! I have lived on my own for three years and am very independant. d has always lived at home. I came to live here bc we are closer to a major city and job prospects are better here. Though I interview every week no job offers have come yet. I am very transparent about my job search with her parents and I constantly offer to help FMIL around the house. She has a very anal Martha Stewart attitude and prefers to do these things herself. (A big part of why d has little domestic skills FMIL still does it for her)
the engagement: d and I are best friends madly in love. We are yin and yang. We have seen each other through all four seasons as they say. I thought long and hard about proposing bc I had no job at the time but I knew is find one and love matters more than money to us. Everyone was happy except her parents. When we told them they had I reaction no hug no congrats. The first thing FFIL said was very flatly “where are you gonna live?”
this devastated us but surprisingly my mom who is not a fan of marriage after a bitter divorce embraced the idea and set to work planning our dream wedding- simple BBQ menu outside somewhere by her home in the mountains. 75 people with a cost of 5000 paid completely by mom. I tried to tell the in laws about the detail and FMIL eaid she thought it should be indoors and said she and FFIL would pay 1000 towards a barn.
so i take this bit of good news to my mom and we spend the next couple weeks tracking down a place. We have all the details together Abd are really happy that we found a great deal for a beautiful wedding. So we invite the in laws to come up for dinner to mome to talk details.
this is where things go from bad to worse…
FFIL outbursts at the dinner table “I want to be excited but I can’t bc this wedding is a mistake. You two have nothing and you’re not ready. I do t want to go to your mothers bc she wants this wedding and I don’t.” And I said that I understood where he was coming from and reminded him that I was soon to get a job the wedding was more than a year off and we would be moved out long before” I told him I can respect his opinion and wouldn’t want him to go if he’d feel uncomfortable if he could respect that d and I are adults and this was what we wanted to do. I said that I wasn’t trying to rub his face in it but didn’t want to deny them the chance to be apart of the wedding. I even said he didn’t have to contribute financially. All we ask is that they and their family attend. So d and I are crushed once more that they won’t even cone meet my mom. I guess FMIL twisted his arm bc they went but when they were there and we offered to go through the wedding plans he said “I’ll pass” and that was the end of it.
when d and I returned home the next day FFIL ambushed her and took her off in his car to talk. He told her that he didn’t feel she was ready to get married accused me of trying to get pregnant and trap their kid. ( this is ludicris bc after one year on estrogen trans women become sterile and we are not engaging in that type of activity) but worst of all he said that if d and I continue and hVe this wedding that not only will he not go but no onei. Their extended family will go. He will kick us outand cut her off immediately. FFIL holds a lot of emotional and financial sway over the extended family and were both confident he means business.
d and I are both just shocked torn up and fighting / crying for days over this. I tell my mother about it and she is understandably livid. D is scared bc even though they aren’t close it is still her family Abd since we have no where else to go ( mom has no room and too far away) we had no choice but to push the wedding to 2016.(thankfully it won’t costume any extra since we are still at the early stages.)
no one I’ve talked to agrees with the in laws. I’m stuck living with these assholes and I hate them for what they are doing to us. D is scared and cUght in the middle and we are both trying to deal with the anger we feel for these people who didn’t even want to be involved taking our date away.
right now the in laws have said nothing to us (again I’m dealing with passive aggressive wasps) they think the wedding is off for good and her dad had the nerve to offer to pay the cost of tbe wedding deposits back to my mom. According to d FFIL plans to have a “talk with me to clear the air” I told d I did t want to talk to him bc in my eyes he ruined my wedding and the in laws have never had the decency to sit us BOTH down for a respectful adult talk. I also feel like I can’t speak my mind bc FFIL told d that he wanted to kick us out when we had the first talk mentioned above.
i am also pissed bc FFIL seems to think going out to dinner and playing golf is more important thN having this “chat” though I told him the wedding was off for next year and I would be movng out as soon as I can.
so that’s where I am at now d and I both feel awful but we are determined to get married and if her parents pull the same shit in 2016 we feel since we won’t be living there by then we can tell them off.
Tldr: rich in laws who wanted nothing to do with wedding planning emotionally blackmailing us to stop wedding next year.
at this point I have a large amount of rage for these people I’m stuck living with is there any advice on how to handle this situation? What can I do for my fiancé caught in the middle?