Help! In laws are emotionally blackmailing us!

posted 2 years ago in LGBTQ
Post # 2
Member
625 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Confusedb2b83:  What a crappy situation, I’m sorry you’re going through this. The only thing I can suggest (and you’ve already said it) is finding a job (if it were me I’d be taking any job whether I liked it or not) and get the heck outta their house. Once you and D are financially independent and living on your own there isn’t anything they can say. Hopefully then they’ll come around, I’ve been in relationships where my parents disliked my SO and it sucks!! Good luck!!

Post # 3
Member
527 posts
Busy bee

RedheadMeggs:  I agree. The faster you can move out, the faster you will be independent from them. Although, it worries me a little that your fiance is so dependent on them. Will it always affect your future together?

Post # 4
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

When FFIL tries to talk to you about this, tell him you and D are a unit and you won’t discuss anything without her there. There needs to be a joint discussion where you make it very clear what your intentions are. I would tell them that you don’t appreciate being blackmailed and that you plan to move out as soon as possible because you won’t allow them to control your relationship. 

The reality is that you and D need to get your own place asap. No way in hell would I let these people stop me from getting married. Is it possible for your mom to loan you money for a place so you can get out from under D’s parents? 

Post # 5
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

You have the right attitude of moving out, doing whatever you want, and not allowing these people to control you! 

I do think it’s important when you hate them to remember that at the center of their awful, shitty behaviour is some love for their daughter.  I think most parents expect their married children to live independently.  So when their daughter has never lived away from home, doesn’t know how to run a house, doesn’t have a degree, isn’t earning a ton, and is marrying someone who currently doesn’t have a job, there is some degree of legitimate concern.   

 

Post # 6
Member
6506 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Do you have a job lined up? If not, how do you KNOW you will have a job and be moved out? Sounds like they went about it the wrong way but honestly I wouldn’t approve of my child planning a wedding if they and their SO were living with us.

Post # 7
Member
373 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

D is working full-time, so you should have enough to pay for a cruddy apartment somewhere. It won’t be as nice as where you live now, but it will be your own. You aren’t getting respected as independent adults because you are not independent.

Post # 8
Member
2519 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Hi,

You won’t like this but they kind of have a point. I’m not defending their behavior but take the emotion out of it and see what the actual message is.

 If my FI and I were living with my parents and financially dependent on them they would in no way support us during the wedding planning ( and def not after). And saying they will kick you out is kinda justified who would really want to support their grown adult daughter and her spouse (unless they were previously independant and fell on hard times)

“I even said he didn’t have to contribute financially. ” LOL I am sure he was glad you informed him of that.<br /><br />ANYWAY – You want to be treated like adults- act like one. Get a job, move out of mom and dads house and become independent. I am positive they will be way more supportive of your marriage once they see you two can function like regular grown adults. Right now they probably just see you two as kind of playing house.

Additionally they probably now see you as someone who is unemployed and mooching off them/their daughter- SHOW them that you can support youself and then come back to wedding talks. If they then continue to have a negative opinion then you have more merit to be upset. 

 

Post # 9
Member
6890 posts
Busy Beekeeper

They handled it poorly, and threatening to kick you out the way he did was damaging to the relationship.   I think his real issue is that he feels your priorities are mixed up. You may say love is all you need, and that’s fine if you are going it alone, but you aren’t. If they weren’t supporting you, you’d be going to your mom for financial help with housing, rather than a wedding. 

I have no respect for the lack of communication since then, though they might have wanted to give everyone a chance to cool down. It sounds as if FFIL wants to talk soon and I hope he expresses remorse for losing his temper.  FI should clearly state that he hurt and offended both of you with his approach. 

However, I can’t really disagree with him that two people who can’t support themselves are really in no position to start planning a wedding. I also think he is starting to feel taken advantage of in that you see no issue with planning a wedding, while not paying rent.  If it makes you feel any better, I think they would have felt the same way if you were a straight couple.  

Unfortunately, until you are fully independent, and able to move out on your own, it’s his house, his rules.  

 

Post # 10
Member
8910 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

I agree with others that they seems like fairly horrible people – BUT if I were a parent, I would also be uncomfortable with my entirely financially dependent child getting married to another financially dependent person.  I do think you guys should take it one step at a time… get a job (I know you’re trying, good luck!!!!), move out, establish a little bit of savings, then plan a wedding.  Good luck with this crappy situation.

Post # 11
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

weddingmaven:  +1

I have to say I agree. You two are not independent. That should be your first priority.

It sucks to be in that situation and I understand the rage you’re feeling, but until you can stand on your own– you’re stuck. 

I wish you luck in your job search, and hopefully you can be the person in D’s life who supports her in the changes she wants to make. Certainly urging her to continue her education is a great place to start.

If you two put your heads together you can set some goals that will have you moving out of that house sooner rather than later and on towards your marriage!

Post # 12
Member
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

My parents wouldn’t be supportive of my marriage either if I were living with them. I don’t think they are handling this well, but you guys need to get out of there ASAP.

Post # 13
Member
2704 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Confusedb2b83:  Crazy! Agree with PPs once you move out things will be much better! I was shocked to see that you’re 27 and 30, your in-laws are treating you both as kids. It’s also a little worrysome that your FI is completely dependant on her parents.

I’m assuming you’re trying to find a job in your field, perhaps just take the next job that comes up so you and your FI can get out of there, then you can continue looking in your own place where you two won’t be as stressed out.

Post # 15
Member
4812 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Confusedb2b83:  As poorly as your FFIL handled it, you are under his thumb and he knows it. He can say what he wants (in his own mind). I agree, though, that if my kids weren’t financially stable I couldn’t get happy about a wedding either. And wait, she’s never lived on her own?? YOu both need out of there pronto!! That will make all the difference.

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