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Personally - I don't have much patience for stuff like this and I wouldn't even bother.
But a lot of people would say do it, because it's the right thing to do.
Do you think it'll put a rift in your relationship if you don't?
If I were in your shoes, I would not send it to her. She has obviously made it a point to let you know that your wedding is not important to her (come on! a concert? really? thanks, friend). I would not waste an invitation on her, IMHO.
i would do it just so she doesn't come back later and complain about how you never sent her one. plus there's the possibility that she'll get her priorities in order, or that she might not get tickets..
Its like jumping in the pool - - plug your nose jump in get wet then come up for air....In the long run you'll be proud of yourself for doing the right thing while in the moment it hurts your feelings.....Yes send her the invites.
@ sewing- not a chance- she definitely already bought the tickets. She posted all about it on Facebook, that's how I found out that she didn't already have the tickets when she initially told me about the concert. It was actually pretty hurtful to find out that way.
I don't think it will cause a real rift in our relationship. She's not a bad person per se- she's just self-involved and very flaky. (Example: I threw a baby shower for my sister, and her invitation came back as having the "wrong address." I emailed her to ask her for her correct address and she flat out never responded. I had to get her sister to give me her correct address so I could re-send the invitation, and she just flat out never RSVP'd. The baby shower was held at a nice banquet facility with a sit-down luncheon that I was paying per head for).
Since she's definitely not coming I don't think it makes much sense to send her an invitation.
I would send one anyhow. proper etiquette says that you send them to people even if you know they wont come. i think that not sending one to her but sending one to her sister and family its a pretty big snub on your part to not include her. you should be the bigger person and send her one rather than furthering the war.
I would still send one. We definitely have guests who have made it clear that they can't make it to the wedding (and btw, FI's BEST friend from childhood apparently has a VERY important car race that he must attend instead of our wedding, so I hear you on this)... but we're still sending them invitations. It just seems like the right thing to do. And if by chance they decide that they do want to come to the wedding after all (or want to send a present maybe), then there's no hard feelings from not receiving an invite.
@ ClairDarling- I didn't mean to imply there is some ongoing "war," there's no fighting going on. I am hurt by what she's choosing to do, but I don't harbor any ill feelings in my heart for her. I know it's her choice and there is nothing I can do about that. I'm just completely "on the fence" about it- that's why I am seeking the various opinions from the hive as to what everyone thinks.
If you have the kind of relationship where you could ask her if she wants you to send her one, I'd say ask. It sounds like she'd tell you not to bother (which could be a good reason not to ask if you think that would hurt your feelings). If not, just send one and avoid any potential hurt feelings.
I'd send it just because it doesn't cost you much. And while there are people that would hurt me a lot if they didn't come to my wedding - I think the couple gets to throw any kind of wedding they want whereever and whenever they want and invite who they want - but the guests get to decide whether they can come or not and ideally there are no hard feeling. Whatever this concert is it is obviously very important to her and she obviously doesn't place a lot of important on these kinds of family/traditional events - which doesn't mean she doesn't love you like crazy. My two cents.
Monkeygirl,
Seems to me that she doesn't have much respect for you or your wedding. BUT...I would still send it.
Want to know why?
With the attitude you've described to us, I can honestly see her using the "she didn't even invite me" line as a weapon to get people on her "side."
I think the easiest thing to do is to be gracious enough to send her an invite and then just forget about her. Doesn't sound like she would be a good person to be there anyway. :)
P.S. If you send her an invite, you may be more likely to receive a present. I am NOT saying just send invites to people so you get presents. But in this particular case, it may be fitting. :)
@ Gemstone- that's actually part of the reason I am "on the fence," particularly with regard to the bridal shower- I didn't want her to get the invite in the mail and be like "WTF? I told her I'm not coming to her wedding- Is she just fishing for a gift?" Btw, I don't think she would send a gift anyway (I wouldn't care if she didn't). Not only did she not RSVP and never show up for my sister's baby shower, she didn't even send so much as a "congratulations" to her when my nephew was born.
I can definitely see where everyone is coming from, though- that's why I'm so conflicted!
I have nothing constructive to add, but I'm dying to know what concert this is? Did she tell you?
Monkey -- All gift things aside, there's no harm in inviting her. I guess I just feel like it will be strange when her sister gets an invite and she doesn't, regardless of what she's verbally indicated. There may be some day in the future that you or she wishes this situation had gone differently, and at least by inviting her, you won't have to wonderful whether you were as gracious as you could be.
I know it's a hard situation. What is your gut telling you?
@hotchild: Haha, thanks for asking the question that was on my mind too. :)
LOL, you bees are funny. She's going to Burning Man. I know it's an "experience," but I'm calling it a concert for lack of a better word, cause it's pretty much the same thing.
I guess I should send her the invite. Though I know there is a very strong possibility I will be hunting her down for the RSVP- I can see her not responding.
Ahhhhhhhhhhh. :)
sometimes when you grow up together you are more like sisters than friends.... maybe she's jealous and not handling it well? who knows. if i were you i would go ahead and invite her and be the bigger man (woman!). things may change down the road and you don't want to regret your choice
@Monkeygirl: Ohhhh, that makes a little more sense (not that what she's doing is "right") That's kind of like a planned-a-year-in-advance trip sort of thing, not just someone who happened to be in town that weekend.
Just as an aside, as a resident of Black Rock myself I can tell you that hotchild is absolutely right. It takes a lot of time and money. If your wedding is on a Saturday then I'm guessing that's the night they burn the man.
ETA: Just looked at your date. It IS the night they burn the man.
I understand and appreciate what you're saying, I do. I know it takes time and money because she's been there before. I also know that I've been engaged for a year and a half and that this trip was planned AFTER she was made aware of my wedding date. I appreciate that Burning Man is something that is planned in advance and takes time and consideration, but so does your friend's wedding.
My wedding is a Sunday, not Saturday. Honestly, I don't care when they "burn the man." I don't want to get into a debate about whether or not Burning Man trumps my wedding. While I've known for years now that she's a a flake and is largely self absorbed, it doesn't make her decision hurt any less. Do I think she's a bad person? No. I still love her; I just don't always agree with the decisions she makes. When we're 70 years old and look back and reminisce on major events during the course of our lives, she will likely not recall "Burning Man" as a significant event in her life. Hell, she likely won't even remember why she wasn't at my wedding... but I will.
I was just trying to see what everyone thought about the invite situation, not whether or not my friend's decision is a right one. I definitely appreciate all the thoughts/opinions/feedback I am getting because taking all of your opinions into consideration will probably help me bring resolution to my dilemma in a way I wouldn't have otherwise thought of.
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I grew up with 2 girls who are sisters- I've known them my entire life; we have been friends since we were babies. One of them callously informed me that she would not be attending my wedding because she has a concert to go to. (Mind you, she has already been to this concert once already, and when she informed me that she was going to this concert, she had not purchased her tickets yet. The tickets didn't even go on sale until like a month or so later).
Here's the dilemma- in the upcoming months, we will be sending out STD's, bridal shower invites, and then eventually wedding invites. Do I send her these things even though she made it clear she's not coming to my wedding?