(Closed) Help! Invite the perents, or not to our "elopement" – kinda long ):

posted 5 years ago in Elopement
  • poll: Should we invite our parents?
    Hell no! It's your day - you won't regret it! : (8 votes)
    23 %
    No. It wouldn't be an elopement if you did. : (4 votes)
    11 %
    Maybe... That's a tough one. : (4 votes)
    11 %
    Yes. Just to make your relationship with his family easier in the long run. : (8 votes)
    23 %
    Of course! They are your parents and you will regret it if you don't! : (11 votes)
    31 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    915 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    If you want your all’s parents there, of course you should invite them. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    6124 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I had a big DW planned which was wisely cancelled due to my dying father.  After he passed away and some time has passed, we tried for an immediate family wedding – except my mom and two sisters told me up front they were not able to travel (no money, no vacation days, etc).  Which is weird, because the DW was far more expensive and we were paying for all room/board with the intimate wedding so the latter options was way cheaper for them.  It wasn’t because our dad died 3 months prior, I asked if it was too soon and they said no.  H’s sister had just short sold her house so she was not in any position to travel with two young kids.  No one lives near us, and families are on opposite ends of the country.

     

    We ended up marrying in Canada while on an 11 day road trip weddingmoon.  We only officially invited H’s parents to be our legal witnesses.  I didn’t really invite my family, instead I said, “Well it’s not that you’re NOT invited, it’s that you said you couldn’t travel to us, so we might as well go where ever we want.”  We spent 2.5 days with them.

     

    We could have totally done the wedding without them.  It would have been fine.  But knowing that his parents made the 800 mile trip in their RV to another country with only 15 days notice really meant a lot to me.  They are good people.  And they would have totally understood if we wanted to go alone.  In fact they were waiting for a call one day where we reported that we got married already.  My family was just really apathetic about it all, so they understood our conundrum.

     

    Then they tried to pay for our wedding dinner.  We’re like, “No, this is the reception part!  We are treating you guys!”  LOL We also treated them to a 40th wedding anniversary dinner the night before, so it was just special all around.

     

    Do I regret not having my mom there?  Well, this is the second time I have been married and she did not see me either time.  I kind of hoped she wanted to be there, but she’s really funny about weddings (having a horrible marriage herself).  However, I am more disappointed in her lack of care more than not having her there.  She would have created drama anyway so it’s for the best she wasn’t present.

     

     

    I think it would be special to have just the parents there, if you think that is an option.  It won’t work with all families, so just depends.  I know it wouldn’t work with my mom – she’s imbalanced.  Maybe blackmail your FMIL and say, “You are invited to witness our wedding under one condition – you cannot say anything about our choice of plans.  As soon as you do, we will make it a private wedding.”  BAM!

     

    Post # 5
    Member
    711 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @princess-pea:  You chose to elope because a wedding was stressing you out… now eloping is stressing you out…. I think that if you invite your parents (and maybe your siblings as well) in a really small ceremony followed by dinner or brunch or something then it will please your FMIL and you wont have to worry about starting your relationship with them off on the wrong foot. You just have to be careful to stick to your guns and make sure that you get what you want and she is just invited to it. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    711 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @princess-pea:  Ask you FI if he would be hurt if his only son got married without you guys and maybe he’ll start sympathizing with his mom a little more. I am totally all about doing what you want, but I also believe that a marriage brings two families together, and if you start that off on a sour note you might hear about it at every xmas and holiday for the rest of your lives! Maybe comprimise and get married just the two of you and then go out for dinner with you guys and both sets of parents to celebrate?

    Post # 8
    Member
    12250 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2013

    I can’t imagine getting married without my parents… But if your FI doesn’t want them there, don’t invite them!

     

    Post # 9
    Member
    6124 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    “My FI is really against having the parents there, but his only reason is that he just wants it to be us, and he’s afraid his mom will flp out about us not inviting anyone else.”

     

    He wants it to be just you guys, but he’s afraid she will flip out at that idea.

     

    If she does flip out about not having everyone and their brother invited, then she’ll do that before the actual wedding day, right?  Do you think the actual wedding day will be jeapordized by FMIL?  Would she really poo-poo two happy, smiling in love people on their wedding day?  Or will she go along with the program for that day?  What do you think?

     

    Immediate family only wedding sounds nice too, kind of what I was going for originally.

     

    It’s too bad there are some parents out there that don’t let their grown children do what makes them happy!  Just picture two very in love people, smiling, so happy about their decision (either eloping or immediate family) – and someone has the gall to actually say something negative in front of them????  In stead of telling her with caution and hesitance (expecting as if), try going into it with the utmost happiness so she picks up on the vibe.

    Post # 10
    Member
    4046 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Since its his mom, and he is closest to her, this really needs to be his decision.

    Personally I wouldn’t want her there, she flipped over your original plans, she may be upset at these plans too, wouldn’t it be better to have one day just for the two of you and not worry about parents showing up and getting  upset?

    Post # 11
    Member
    942 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    @princess-pea:  How about elope – JUST THE TWO OF YOU – and then have an at home reception? This is definitely not the cheap option but in my   experience it was the ultimate stress free option. Let your FMIL ‘help’ plan the reception, keep the ceremony to yourselves. We did this and it was perfect. We did not keep anything secret becuase it would hurt feelings. Everyone was very happy with our choice, or very quickly accepted our decision. We had the most magnificent wedding and reception ever, even though they were a couple of weeks apart.

    We do not regret one little bit having a private ceremony, but it is not for everyone. If you imagine yourself surrounded by loved ones on your wedding day (think dad walking you down the aisle, matchy matchy bridesmaids) then elopeing is probably not for you.

    If you do decide to go through with an a ‘normal’ wedding, tell your FMIL that you are getting a coordinator who will ensure your wedding will be just the way YOU want it. If she try’s to butt in, just say – NO, you have a coordinator taking care of it.

    If you do decide to elope, put some solid plans in place and then tell your loved ones ‘we are eloping to ______ on this date….’ Not, ‘we are planning to elope.’ You can say ‘we hope to have a gathering of sorts when we return to which you will be invited. We want to keep our wedding ceremony private, it’s a personal choice and we are really excited.’ Your loved ones will have NO CHOICE but to be happy for you. If they cannot then they are being selfish assholes and will regret acting like a brat when you get back and show everyone your wedding photos except them hahaha!

    Post # 13
    Member
    1326 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    I’d be pretty careful about not inviting your FI’s parents to the wedding ceremony. It will likely be YOU, not your FI, that they will blame for many years to come. If it was me, I wouldn’t leave them out.

     

    Post # 14
    Member
    358 posts
    Helper bee

    I would or else it will cause more resentment for a long time but I would have a strict set of rules that are mentioned prior, ex. no inviting anyone else, no input on planning etc and if she can’t stick to that and just be a guest then the invitation is revoked

    Post # 15
    Member
    942 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    @princess-pea:  Sorry PrincessPea, at home reception just usually refers to a reception in the same city where you live, or in the same country where you live, or somewhere that is easily accessible to your guests. Not an actually house reception. For example, we live in Canberra and had our reception in Sydney (about 2 hours away) because it was closest for our family and we got married in Greece.

    Post # 16
    Member
    6360 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Have them there. See it as a micro-wedding or elopement for four or six or however many of you there’ll be, either way you name it… do your wedding your way!

    The topic ‘Help! Invite the perents, or not to our "elopement" – kinda long ):’ is closed to new replies.

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