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Urgh that is so awful and awkward and I'm sorry you're going through that. If it were me I'd be hoping my FI would try and do something to get his mum to back off. What she did is so inappropriate and maybe she needs to hear it from him - rather than your mum or you - hopefully she might be a bit more receptive to feedback from him. And he can encourage her to apologise to you and your mum for her awful behaviour.
It sounds like she wrote the letters when she was upset - people say nasty things that they don't mean when they're upset. I think you, your FI and his mom need to sit down and talk about appropriate behavior and boundaries. It's highly unlikely that you won't have a relationship (good or bad) with her in the future, since she's his mom, so I would be the mature party from the start if I were you - apart from the hen night and the wedding, just to have a relationship on your own terms.
@ Daydreamwanderer - this is the last in a very long line of things that have happened. She had me in tears the night I got engaged, ruined the run up to our engagement party, sent me nasty messages a few days after my baby nieces funeral, she's bought an outfit the same colour and style as my mums, she's bullied me into having people we don't want at the wedding. It's just too much - I don't care how upset someone is, using a dead child (who would have been my flowergirl) is out of order. I'm a bit of a "yes" person - but I can't take any more, I think I've been pretty mature up until now. But I'm not having my mum in tears, or the run up to my wedding ruined the way our engagement was. I don't think I could sit in a room with her after this. FI feels the same way :-(
@misssparklespaniel - thanks so much for your support - I just don't know how to deal with this!!!! ARrrggh! Why so close to the wedding!
@mrsgtobee: I am so stunned by your situation that I don't even know what to say! I'm so sorry you're going through this - your FMIL certainly sounds like a ... challenging person. Does your fiance agree that her actions were inappropriate? Have you ever sat down with her and your fiance and had a discussion about boundaries?
At this point, I'm not sure that it would be wise to uninvite her from your hen night, since that might just increase her venomous response. Can you task a BM with keeping her entertained (read: keeping her away from you)?
For the guest list - I wouldn't budge on who you're willing to invite. It's one thing if you simply dislike these people but it would make FMIL happy to have them there. These people threw down at your engagement party! They are not welcome at your wedding - who knows what they'll do! Blame it on budget. Blame it on space constraints. Blame it on anything at all. But stick to your guns on this one.
I'm sorry you're going through this. It's ironic how the happiest events seem to bring out the worst in people.
Your FMIL is going to be your MIL and in your life for a very long time. I'm not saying you need to make nice with her, but considering how long you're going to be related to her, it might be worth it to ignore the nastiness and just concentrate on the wonderful things that are going to be happening.
Remember...she is the one who raised the man you love, and someone who raised someone as wonderful as he is can't be all bad. Emotions are high right now, so don't withdraw her invitation to your hen night. Remember what she's indirectly done for you, which is raise the wonderful man you love and are going to spend your life with.
Maybe she won't show up.
@ loribeth and redherring - thanks for your advice girls :-) I totally hear what you're saying. I have one further problem, my mum is refusing to go to my hen night if MIL comes. I've told FI that I expect a full apology to me and my mum before I consider inviting her. While she is going to be in my life, I think I need to start as I mean to go on or she will just steamroll over me. My mum is very traditional and feels really disrespected (as do I).
@redherring - FI is completely disgusted and has told her not to even think about pulling one of her stunts. They've not spoken since it happened and will see each other for the first time at the football tomorrow. We've never had a talk per se as I've always been to intimidated. Also I don't really know FMIL so wouldn't feel comfortable. I've tried for 3 and a half years to get close to her and fit in with her family, and I'm at a loss here. Even FI says he doesn't understand why I was sent the letter, or why she mentioned what she did. It's just been to create trouble and I don't think I could enjoy my hen party as I'd be waiting for her to kick off again.
What to do!
Yikes :(
I'm sorry to hear she's been so immature. What's your FI's take on all of it?
Daydreamwanderer - He agrees with me 100%. I think he's really embarassed to be honest, and I don't blame him. I've still not seen or spoken to her, but she did get FIs sister to contact my best maid and reserve her a space at the meal on my hen night - lol are you kidding me on!?! The woman sends me abuse and then just books herself into my hen night without speaking to me or apologising for her actions??
I'm literally still stuck for what to do.
Does she ever get nasty to your face,or is it all just through letters and messages? If it is letters an messages try (and I know this may sound crazy but bear with me) and see if you can meet with her face to face.
It sounds like she might be lending her bravery from the fact she is using messages and letters to insult you and your family. If you, your fiance and mother in law maybe meet up for a meal you can ask her outright exactly what her issues are and why she is acting that way.
She might not seem so brave if you and your fiance are showing a united front against this kind of behaviour, and letting her know that what she did was wrong and that you BOTH think that. I know it might be hard to get her to agree tot his,but perservere.
And remember I know shes been appallingly rude and said unforgivable things,stay polite and calm,this way she has nothing to fight against.
Hope it helps and makes some kind of sense x
@ Kimbo 89 - she has been very passive aggressive over certain wedding things and to be honest with 3 weeks to go, I really don't want her negativity around me. I'm not speaking a word to her until she apologises. I feel she should be the one making the first move as she is totally in the wrong. If she were to approach me about this, and suggest the meal I would probably go, but I am not initiating it. 3 weeks out I'm running around crazy finalising things, and her childishness is bottom of my list atm.
I get exactly what you are saying about the messages and stuff, and you are right! Thanks for your help xx
If they are nasty..they have no part in my wedding or anything else:). If you don't want her around, you have every right not to have her there. It's not worth it.
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So things finally came to a head with my MIL to be. After several months of keeping my mouth shut for FI's sake, my mum finally told her this was FI and I's day. There was a bit of to-ing and fro-ing between them over text, and then everything went quiet for 3 weeks...
I had nothing to do with this arguement, yet received a nasty letter through the post - 7 weeks before the wedding (a few days ago), 3 weeks before my hen night. As if thats not bad enough - my mum got 5 pages of bile, going on about how my mum had been married before, calling my mum names, insulting my family, complaining about the guest list. I didn't want certain members of FIs family there as they had a fist fight at our engagement party and I don't want round 2 at the wedding. The thing that really made me lose it was the fact FMIL was using my little neice who died to score points in the letter - who does that? What kind of a maniac uses a little sleeping angel to gain leverage over her opponent? She sent letters - lol she drives past my house every night on her way home! Why couldn't she just speak to me like an adult. Anyhow, now I know exactly how she feels about me, and I just can't be around her. FSIL is one of my BM's and they are very close.
So now I have a hen night planned and had invited all of FI's family including MIL, which will take place in 3 weeks. I now don't feel I can have her around me, especially after her insulting my parents (who are paying for the wedding).
What do I do?