Post # 1
Mr. Trappedinabay and I live in NY, but we’re planning our wedding in Pittsburgh. We’re very early in the planning process and still trying to find a venue. I’ve been doing crazy amounts of research online, but photos and websites can only tell you so much about a space. So, we’ll be flying to Pittsburgh soon to visit our top 5-10 venues and then hopefully make a decision.
My FMIL lives in Pittsburgh, and we’ll be staying at her house (and borrowing her car) when we come to town. She has invited herself along on the venue scouting trip, and I would really prefer to look at these places without her. She can be very negative at times, and I don’t want her to color my impressions of venues. Actually, I like her and am about to join her family, but I don’t want her input on the topic at all!
How can I politely tell the FMIL that she’s not invited to go venue scouting? Without hurting her feelings?
p.s. It’ll have to come from me, since Mr. Trappedinabay and the FMIL fight like cats and dogs, but I get along with her pretty well.
p.p.s. FMIL is not contributing to the wedding financially.
Post # 3
tell her you really have no idea yet but will have her help you finalize it when you’re down to your top 3?
Post # 4
If she’s not contributing, then she doesn’t have veto power, at least.
Why don’t you tell her that you and your fiance are doing the first round of scouting, and tell her that she’s free to come along to decide among your finalists. That way you’ve limited her choice.
On the positive side, bringing along a critical person could actually be quite useful. She may see more than you guys will about things about your venues that could create problems. You could ask her to try to keep her comments constructive if she gets too negative, i.e. tell her that she should make suggestions and comparisons rather than just being Debbie Downer and hating everything. Tell her that she should phrase her comments as I don’t like this Venue as much, I thought Venue One was better than this one for dancing, and dancing (or whatever) is your priority. If you get get her to channel her criticisms to specifics, she can be really useful.
Post # 5
This is a tricky one! Any way you could spin it as trying to be considerate of her (i.e. oh, it’s goign to be such a long day going from venue to venue to venue, we wouldn’t want you to have to go through that, etc)?
Or maybe something along the lines of “oh, this is such a romantic thing for us, picturing where our wedding will be, I hope you wouldn’t be too upset if we wanted it to be just the two of us.” Good luck, and I hope she doesn’t react badly however you approach her!
Post # 6
Can you tell a little white lie? I’d say that since your mom can’t come along on the venue scouting trip, she would be upset if you let FMIL come along. That way if FMIL insists, she’s being insensitive to your mom’s feelings, and she can’t resent you for wanting to make your mom happy (well she could, but that would be totally unreasonable). Btw, if it were me, I’d let my mom in on the lie so she’d back me up in case of further questions later on.
Post # 7
Tell her you’d hate to waste her time and that you’d love to show her the final pic (or even top 3) when the time comes. You could also say that you’re running a number of errands and meeting with friends admist these site visits to deter her from joining you 😉