(Closed) Help me communicate this to my husband… :-/

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@MamaHusky3: you don’t meet him “halfway”.  What he’s doing is NOT RIGHT at all and is a bit of a sore spot for me, too.  Believe me, my FI and I have had plenty of rounds over this sort of behavior.  After a few dozen blow-ups and a few ultimatiums (yes, I did say that), he’s BEGINNING to see the light.  (Also, doesn’t hurt when someone else is trying to drive a wedge and this gives them the ammo they need…)

I’d definitely be blowing up at him and not letting him walk away from the argument.  Tell him exactly how you feel and how you see it.  I can’t verbalize how I managed to get through to him, but it involved A LOT of arguing.  I trust my FI and know he wouldn’t cheat on me, but… doesn’t mean I trust the girls or even LIKE it.  (Come on, he’s going to be my husband, that doesn’t mean he gets a pass to say anything thing he wants.)

I’m soooo sorry you’ve gotta deal with this.  He shouldn’t be ignoring your texts or picking hanging out with your friend over you (YOUR HIS WIFE!!!!!).  If you want, feel free to PM me. 🙂

Post # 5
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

You have every right to want to be included! When I read this, it reminded me of someone who isn’t done sowing his wild oats yet. (Not saying he’s cheating, but why isn’t he at the BBQ with his wife? Why choose drinks with your MOH??)

Do you have many guy friends? I.e., does he mind if you go out with men without him? Cancel your plans to be with another male?

Post # 6
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@MamaHusky3: it’s not being controlling.  My FI had a controlling ex-wife, too.  I’m no where near to what she was like.  

It’s a matter of respect.  He isn’t respecting YOU or your vows.  

Heck, I got pissed at a fb comment yesterday by a female friend of his because she asked “when can i move in?” after he posted what he’d fixed for supper the night before as well as last night’s meal.  We kinda had an argument over that, what HE wanted to reply with, and WHY I got pissed and replied saying I don’t like or appreciate those sorts of comments, joke or not.

It sounds, to me, like he wants his cake and eat it too.  You’re not telling him to give you constant updates on what’s going on and where he’s going.  Nor are you saying he can’t go out with his friends.  You’re asking for him to REPLY to you and to PUT YOU FIRST!  And to back off the flirting and “dates” with the other girls.  

That’s not being controlling.  That’s saying “I’m your wife, not treat me like it!” 🙂  

Can you tell this is an old rant for me, too? LOL

Post # 8
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

What your husband is doing is totally not ok. In my opinion he is behaving the way a single man would be behave by only thinking of himself when he accepts invitations to go hang out, without considering any previous plans he has already made with you. Totally not ok

Post # 9
Member
5273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

When you talk to him about it, don’t mention anything about the fact that she has a thing for him, etc. In fact, don’t even make it about her (b/c if he feels the issue is the fact that he is spending time with her, then he will just dismiss it as jealousy.)

I would tell him that you feel left out, and that you want to be included, esp when he spends time with mutual friends. Also, mention that it is important to you that when you make plans( (i.e. the bbq) and he agrees to go, that he needs to stay true to his word.

Perhaps you two can come to an agreement about “alone” time. You could, for example, say once a week each of you can go out with friends and do your own thing. Therefore, by putting this agreement out on the table it is clear about what the expectations are with regards to spending time together/apart.   

Post # 10
Member
2462 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

i would be upset too– he had plans with you already, why would he break them to go off for drinks with anyone, yet alone your friend who presumably should have been invited to the bbq as well? it’s really disrespectful i think in any case–i’d be pissed if my hubby blew off our plans to have a drink with a guy friend too and wasn’t being open in communicating his plans with me. i don’t think you’re being controlling at all.

heck, i got mad at hubs last night for making plans for one of his friends to come over to our apt without telling me–yeah, i overreacted, but it made me upset that he made those plans without consulting me and it felt like they wanted to have guy time (aka, watch baseball) without me, even though i was home.

Post # 11
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

It sounds to me like when you talk to him, he’s getting hung up on the “who he’s with” bit, rather than the “you want to be included bit”.

FI has a tendency to run off with his friends to do things, or make plans without checking in with me first (for which often times – esp. lately- we have conflicting events). I’ve asked him over and over again just to check in with me, if he’s making plans, inviting people over, etc, just so that we can be on the same page.

Perhaps you could take the “who he’s with” out of it and just tell him that it concerns you when he doesn’t show up after work, and that you’d just like to be kept in the loop.

Do you think that would help him see your side of it better? You don’t care who he’s out with, you just want to know if/when he’s going out, so you can join in the fun, or make supper for just yourself, etc.

Post # 11
Member
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I am sorry you are struggling with this 🙁  IMO, I feel as if in reading your responses you seem very torn.  When you started your vent, it was about DH not understanding how innocently texting other gals, knowing his personality, can seem ‘not’ innocent to the recipient – even if they are mutual friends.  In the end, you stated you just want to be included, and that is the issue he does not get.  Both are equally important feelings that you are absolutely entitled to feel.  As your husband, he should be listening, and ‘changing’ his behaviors to make you not feel that way at all.  Your requests, afterall, are not crazy or controlling.  They are healthy and very normal.

I think, too, maybe you fear that in bringing these things up you seem controlling.  And well, it is normal to not want to be the controlling wife.  However, you compared his ex in all this too.  You stated you dont want to seem like her.  Well, you are not her.  You are his wife, the woman he ‘chose’ to spend his life with.  Did he ever tell you why she was so controlling??  If, MAYBE, it was over the same ‘issues’, then the common denominator in all of that is him, and his choices.

I do not have personal experience in all of this, so maybe I am completely wrong, but I feel awful you seem so torn.  And honestly, I think MOST women would agree that there would be HUGE problem if their SO or DH was communicating with others (friends or not) all day, meeting them out for drinks when he was supposed to meet you at a BBQ, etc.  Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@Just_Squeeze: LOL.  Yeah, totally agree on that sometimes.  I do have some awesome friends on there, though, and it’s the only way we can keep in touch.

Usually I keep quiet and blow-up at my FI (His fault, anyway, right?), but yesterday I said “screw it” and replied back, lol.  (Yeah, I was snappy, but so what, lol).

 

@AnnieAAA: I don’t know… It would depend on the OP’s DH.  If he’s the kind who requires proof, referring to his actions (especially if it’s a pattern) is a useful thing.  I do COMPLETELY AGREE with everything else.  Especially the part of him keeping true to his word.  And the “I forgot” excuse shouldn’t cut it.  

I do this often with my FI, quoting comments and other things verbatum to him and it’s the ONLY WAY he’ll actually acknowledge and agree that I’m not just flipping out over nothing.  

 

Post # 13
Member
2873 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Not cool man, not cool.

You are his flippin wife, you shouldn’t have to feel like you are left out.

I think some alone time out with your friends is good, I agree 100000000000% this isn’t about trust issues  but it’s more out of respect for each others plans and each others feelings.

Clearly, he hasn’t taken the time to think “how would this make my wife feel? Would she be happy, sad, lonely, or mad about this decision I am making.”

It isn’t fair because I bet you think those sort of thoughts when you make a decision that affects your DH. 

 

Post # 14
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

You are most certainly not controlling. The problem lies with hubs not you!

So you have been dealing with this previous to your marriage and just attributed it to his charm and believed that marriage would stop certain behaviors?

Was he all for marriage to you or was it a deadline kind of thing? Seems like this guy hasn’t aquired boundaries yet and does not fully understand the role of the husband and what this MARRIAGE really entails. 

Im glad to hear about you good communication and please let him no everything you feel even if its embarrassing or something you shouldn’t have to feel. Gotta get to the bottom of this and work you way up! Good luck, keep us updated.

 

Post # 15
Member
3126 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

In my opinion, he should include you when he make plan and run plans by you. When FI goes to hang out with friends (even if its a night when I am working) he will let me know where he is going, with who, and when he will be back. It isn’t a matter of me being controlling, he is just very respectful about my feelings and doesn’t want me to worry.

The other thing that would bother me A LOT (and does bother with me with my FI) is that he didn’t respond when you tried to contact him. There is no reason for him to be out of contact with his wife when he is out for drinks with other people.

I would approach him when you are both calm and discuss what bothers you and the small things he could do in the future to make you feel better.

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