- 7 years ago
- Wedding: July 2011
ETA: sorry it turned out to be super long!!! :-/
communication is something that for the most part, DH and I have been successful at – except for this one ongoing issue…..and when it arises, and i get upset, and try to make him understand where i’m coming from, he sees it differently, or he’ll sorta understand but then doesnt do anything to change it or work on it because it ends up happening again…
to start off I feel like I need to let you know a little bit about DH’s personality…..he is super friendly/nice….he goes above and beyond to help people….and he’s a natural charmer and quick with responses…and i love all that about him…
now, i trust DH completely….i know without a doubt that he would never cheat on me nor do anything to intentionally hurt me…..
which brings me to the issue…. DH has the tendency to text friends (mostly girls) throughout his work day when he’s bored….and i know just me saying “mostly girls” sends off signals that of me not trusting him but this isn’t the case….i could care less who he talks to….what i do care about is the nature of the conversations and how the recipients to his texts decipher his intentions/conversations etc….i know for a fact that he flirts or says things that could be taken as flirting….its part of his humor/nature, he does it whether i’m around or not….this is who he is and i cannot change that….its really hard to explain without you seeing what i mean…..but anyways…this tends to lead to DH inviting people out for lunch or drinks or to hang out etc…..sometimes i’m included, sometimes i’m not….and sometimes i dont even know about it until the very last minute its about to happen or until the recipient texts me asking some question about it and i’m lost as to what they are talking about because i wasn’t in the loop on what plans were being made….
of course, i wouldn’t be posting this now here today if something hadn’t just recently happened…..about a week ago one of my closest friends invited DH and I to a bbq/pool party after work…it was for yesterday…..i told her that DH had to work but i’d let her know….so i told him about it and he said ok so i told her to count us in that DH would just meet us there after he was done….he doesnt get done work til 9pm….fast forward to this past Tuesday, i remind him again about the bbq…..then yesterday comes, i go to the bbq….and i give him the address so he knows where to go, he texts me that he is going out for drinks with his best friend and my other best friend (she was my MOH) after he got done…..so i get upset….and i send him a few sarcastic/angry texts and get no responses….10 pm rolls around and my friend who invited us takes me home and i text DH saying to not bother to come pick me up because i’ll be home…..still i get no response….i end up crashing when i got home and wake up this morning and i kinda was a little mean giving him the cold shoulder etc and he still didn’t understand why i was upset as if this hasn’t happened before….i felt frustrated because i didnt want to get into another repeated arguement over something that keeps happening and where i fail to make him understand how i feel….
this is how i feel:
i have told him numberous times that i feel some type of way when he talks/texts my friends (yea they are his friends too now but still) and makes plans with them and doesnt include me…..in regards to my MOH, i love her but i dont trust her completely….she has expressed/joked more than once that DH had a thing for her in high school….and i kno that if i weren’t in the picture she would “want” him….and he sees what i mean about her too and secretly loves knowing that she wants him (maybe an ego thing?)….it makes me insecure knowing that she is having drinks with my husband without me there, even if other people are there with them in a public place…..again, i trust DH, but i get upset that he made plans with her knowing how i felt about her spending time with him without me….he just equates it to me not trusting him or wanting him to hang out with my friends….
and side note – it has nothing to do with him being insecure in our relationship…..we are best friends, everything is perfect in all its imperfections….we have a healthy sexual relationship so it isn’t about that….i feel like maybe he just likes being social and likes the attention of others too and idk why else….
and side note – i got upset with MOH because Tuesday i was supposed to hang out with her and she said she was low on gas and couldn’t come get me (i have no car right now) because she didn’t have the money to get more gas…..and yet she was able to go out for drinks the very next day with DH? and furthermore, she texts me at 6pm yesterday saying “where are we going tonight?” and i texted “huh?” and got NO response back from her and didnt know what was going on until DH tells me he’s going out for drinks with her and his best friend…..why didnt she just tell me that? instead i got nothing…..
and i had even told DH that he knew about the bbq and couldve just invited them all to come over the party….we are all in the same circle of friends so i didnt understand why he made plans without me when plans were already in place….
ugh, sorry this turned into a vent…..let me cool down and try to get to the route of the issue…..i want to be included….not that i want to go everywhere he goes, but i want to be included when he wants to do something, i’d like to know that he has the intentions or desire to go do it, whether its without me or not….a simple, “hey im gonna ask so and so if they wanna go have drinks with me after work” – at least then i feel like my husband thought of filling me in instead of excluding me….i dont want him texting/flirting with my friends/ making plans with them and not including me or not letting me know beforehand to make sure i’d be okay with it…..i want him to understand that its not about me not trusting him…..its the affect of his actions when he doesnt stop to think, “how will my wife feel about this?” i feel like all the other emotions i feel when this issue arises stem from that base feeling of not being included…of him not feeling like i need to be included….
i’m not trying to run his life….i’m not trying to say i want him to include me in every single decision he is going to make…..for example, if he wants to run to the mall or buy a six pack, he doesnt have to check in with me to see if i’m ok with that……..but things like go out for drinks with my friends? i mean, i asked him before….what if you were in my shoes and i made plans with your friends without telling you….he just said, i trust you enough to be ok with that…..like, he doesnt get where i’m coming from….still when shit like this happens he wonders why i get upset…
p.s. it doesnt help when i say things like “i guess she’s more your friend now than mine” ….i do say stupid things out of anger which may be confusing him and i realize this….
how do i meet him halfway?? i need some tough love here girls – i know i can get that here….