(Closed) Help me deal with an absent-minded FI!

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

He needs to make a lot of lists then to keep up with everything! I dont think you can keep reminding him of everything all the time [you shouldnt have to]  Especially if he forgets to give water to the cat!

Post # 4
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Are you sure he dosen’t just rely on you too much? If you were away 1 month, would the cat die of hunger or thirst? Start posting stickies everywhere. It will look messy and annoying, but he needs a visual reminder it seems. Do this for a good month and if things don’t change, I’d have to seek outside help! Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Hubs can get that way as well. I just got back from a 4 day work trip, so here are some tips.

I leave him a note taped to a kitchen cabinet (don’t forget to water the garden, feed the fish, check the mail) of things that I take care of everyday.

i send him texts of things as reminders as well, if its something that definitely needs to get done by a certain time.

As far as the clothes, can he set a timer or is there possibly a buzzer on the wash machine? I know that sometimes I forget about laundry because we hardly ever go in the basement except to do laundry, so if I’m doing a million things, I put the timer on the stove on so I don’t forget.

Post # 6
Member
115 posts
Blushing bee

You said he isn’t just being lazy or careless, but that he genuinely forgets and generally has trouble remembering chores? Why are you angry then? I get that its frustrating, etc. but this is a foible of your man. Anger and lashing out will only hurt him and decrease his feelings of love (lest he be very disciplined in his love
!). That isn’t desirable, I imagine. Do these things make him an unlovable person? With love comes patience and understanding; have a heart for the guy, it sounds like he was trying but legitimately has trouble remembering.

That said, sticky notes are awesome. Lists are awesome. DH needed to pay a bill and kept forgetting. I wrote down “Pay XXXX. P.s, I love you :)” and that was that, he remembered to pay. 

 

Post # 7
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Haha okay, I know you don’t think it’s funny but I feel like this post was written about me and it made me laugh.  I have to make lists and leave reminder notes everywhere.  I set reminders on my phone but sometimes that doesn’t work because I close them and forget again…I would leave him a list, even if it seems silly for a while, until some of it becomes a habit.

Post # 8
Member
1556 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Is it possible he has undiagnosed ADD/ADHD?  I’m no medical professional, but it sure sounds like a possibility from your description.  If so, it really isn’t his fault; his brain just works differently than most.  There are both tools he can learn as well as medication that can make a world of difference.  It might be worth having him at least checked out.

Post # 9
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2009

@Neva:  I was thinking exactly the same thing.  My husband has ADHD and it is a constant struggle to remind myself that his brain works differently than mine.  I think it’s more common than a lot of people realize.

Post # 10
Member
3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

What Neva said.  I am not labeling!  But it’s true, we have to understand people with ADD type symptoms do not do these things on purpose.  However, it takes boat loads of patience and understanding for the other person and at times it can get really frustrating when the spouse doesn’t have the same thinking patterns or what seems like common sense about things.

Post # 12
Member
115 posts
Blushing bee

@TinyTina:

 

The laundry thing? Not at all. 

The cat needs water and depends on people for such necessities. So, that would merit a loving discussion, but not anything that could inflict hurt upon your mate (anger included). 

Post # 13
Member
3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@TinyTina: As a fellow person that has to be the constant HUMAN sticky note of reminders, I can share your frustration.  Sometimes I just want my mind to be idle and not have to be the one to be the daily planner in life and have someone remind me of something rather than if I don’t remember, it won’t get done.  This is normal to be frustrated in these situations, especially when it’s repetitive.  Hang in there. 

Post # 14
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

@Mrs.Firefly1: This.

It’s amazing how it can feel like you’re the only one going through something then when you dig deeper, you start to realize just how common something like this can be.

My fiance was diagnosed with this and after months and months (and counseling) about fighting about stuff, it’s helped me realize he doesn’t do it intentionally. Not that it’s any less frustrating. There’s also times when he’ll remember things once or twice and then forget the next, so it seems like it can be intentional, ya know? You may also feel like a nag… I sure did… and felt like his mother (which then hurt other areas of our relationship).

I know how tiring it can be to be the one to remind him to do something… we’ve done the post it notes and… unfortunately, he can’t remember to look at the darn things. There are many other issues but this was a big one for us for a while.

Is it a matter of him forgetting general stuff or things that may not interest him? Is he forgetful about running water/leaving the stove on/not uplugging the iron, etc? I’d just want to make sure there isn’t some sort of safety risk.

How is his self-esteem? I’ve seen other situations to some degree that the self-esteem of the forgetful partner starts to diminish because they feel like a kid, having to be reminded all the time. 

On the other hand, if he has a consistently hard time with this and he’s aware of it, it’s also his responsibility to put his effort in, too..  not all on your shoulders.

It sounds like you’re trying to be very understanding and helpful; I commend you for that. Takes a lot of patience to do that!! It’s a finebalance for sure and wish you much luck and patience!

Post # 15
Member
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@TinyTina: As an adult with ADD it is not always about not being able to focus. I can multitask with the best of them. However it does stress me out when I have multiple things going on with the same deadline. There are various symptoms of it and some are not as noticable as others. My mother will never get diagnosed. But how many women will walk out of a restaurant and leave their purse behind. My mother has done it dozens of times, has forgotten her glasses, etc. I have a hard time when I am bored staying on task. IE. like right now at work I am doing filing which I loathe so I am here instead. I am a terrible procarastinator and there are tons of things I start and then never finish, all attributes of ADD. I do better when I am on meds, but I am not always on them. Look into it ADD symptoms sometime, it is more than not being able to sit still or focus on a certain thing. I did great on straterra, but drugs are not for everyone.

Post # 16
Member
3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@FrozenFeet: Complete understanding here.

 

@TinyTina: I realize it costs money but it’s something I’m entertaing and suggesting to my FI.  I’ve come to the conclusion that our minds work completely different and what helps me, may not help him.  I am going to research a personal organizer professional and see what they suggest.  They are educated and have more tools/ideas to possibly help with daily life so I do not feel like the human sticky note and have it affect our relationship so much.  People that do not have this in their relationship do not fully understand always… it’s not as simple as “just remind them”. It’s a whole different world of coping, learning and educating.

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