Help me deal with cutting FMIL out of our lives

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

MKWeddingBee:  I think there’s a book about toxic in-laws or toxic people that might help. Other than that, I think you need to stop letting her spin you up. Recognize that she has no real control over your life. she can only upset you if you let her.

ETA: Here’s the link to the book I was talking about.

http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-In-Laws-Strategies-Protecting-Marriage/dp/0060507853

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by  Zhabeego.
Post # 3
Member
1769 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

MKWeddingBee:  remember that you cannot control how someone else acts, all you can do is see how they do act and choose your own interactions with them accordingly.

Would it be great if my FI’s parents could act like loving, supportive parents and just be happy about us getting married? Yes. But, instead, they act in a way that is manipulative, controlling, lack the self-awareness and flexibility needed to even verbalize what’s bothering them and discuss it, they lie, they exclude me from their house and holidays (only post-engagement), they try to get others to boycott our wedding, and they try to punish my FI whenever he calls or sees them to break him down into submitting to their every whim (if not, they say it’s proof he doesn’t love them). Needless to say- we aren’t talking to them for the present and that’s working much better.

when they first gave us the silent treatment for a few months last year, my FI said it was liberating. He got out of the habit of letting anyone guilt or manipulate him and started demanding the treatment he deserves from everybody in his life (his parents were exempt before). Our lives were filled with positivity. Look at it this way- Why would you try to get your FI to keep subjecting himself to bad treatment?

not counting the rest of his life and our relationship, my FI and I tried very hard w his parents for a year after we got engaged. That was months and months too long. While we kept turning the other cheek, attempting to start clean slate, trying to critique and adjust our actions, strategizing and spending countless hours trying to figure out how to improve the situation, his parents’ behavior only got worse and worse.

Sometimes ppl see kindness as a sign that their manipulation and guilt work as tactics to get what they want. Don’t reinforce your FMIL’s bad behavior. Do make sure your FI won’t have regrets with his actions. My FI has let his parents know what behavior will and won’t be acceptable to him and what he needs to move fwd in a relationship. for now, they are unwilling or unable to give that, so he does not want a relationship w them for the time being because we don’t want toxicity in our lives. He wanted to explain that to them one last time and invite them to the wedding, so I supported that. Unfortunately, they haven’t changed at all yet and they refused to talk, said they’d read no email or mail from my FI, said they’d throw the invite straight into the trash, and when he got mad at that, theyve now said our marriage and future children will be forever cursed. Walk away unless and until they show clear signs of changed behavior that make your FI want to try again. (Should be his call on having contact w her- she’s his mom.)

I suggest googling to read about momzillas and also sites with tips for adult children of manipulative/controlling/narcissistic/emotionally abusive parents. (Some of these terms might sound harsh, but the experiences can be similar to what your FI and you are going through.) premarital counseling or counseling by yourself also never hurts. You can grieve that she isn’t the FMIL you wish she would be, but maintaining contact w her won’t magically transform her- it’ll probably have the opposite effect. 

Post # 4
Member
872 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

 

MKWeddingBee:  a great book is Boundaries by Dr Cloud and Townsend. I have a hard time standing up for myself and being firm. This book has a lot of great suggestions about getting into the right frame of mind about setting appropriate boundaries between yourself and others- including family! Sorry you have to deal with your FMIL :/

Post # 5
Member
523 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Awesome responses, I am in your same exact situation OP so I can only extend internet *hugs* since I am also trying to deal with the loss of having a good FMIL relationship.

Post # 6
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

Are they paying any of your wedding? I think that’s the indicator of how much or little say they can have in a wedding.

I guess I’m lucky in that my FMIL and I get along very well and at first she was annoying just because she is a needy person but after we had a couple of talks with her she’s backed off and isn’t being too nosy.

I think if your FMIL is the type that is trying to be domineering you just either need to sit down with her and have a very frank conversation, or talk to her and say something along the lines of “We appreciate your offers of help but would really like for you to just relax and come on our wedding as a beloved guest, the rest of the planning has been completed and we just hope you enjoy the day” or some BS like that.

 

Post # 7
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee

MKWeddingBee:  I feel your pain. Myself and FI had to cut MIL out of our lives. Everything you described fits her to a T. If you don’t cut off contact with her she will only get worse and keep up her toxic behaviour. When you said that if a day goes by and you guys don’t hear from her it’s drama free – well it was the same thing for us. When we didn’t hear from MIL everything was great. The minute we heard from her everything was drama and a pity me story to go along with it. For yours and FI’s mental health and relationship I highly recommend you cut her out of your lives. We haven’t heard/spoke to mil in over a year and it’s been the best year of our lives. Also, there is a site that helps DIL’s with horrible MILs: http://www.dilsisterhood.com. I’ve found great comfort from the support on that site. Best wishes to you and your FI!!!

Post # 8
Member
3514 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

MKWeddingBee:  I don’t know what exactly your FMIL does butttt I have two. A Step MIL and a MIL and we cut StepMIL and FIL out our lives. The easier thing I can tell you is try to not dwell on it I know its hard but you can predict how their reacting to things so let it go. Don’t respond to e-mails, texts, calls, nothing at all. They’re not invited to the wedding either. SO’s birthday is this Friday and he plans on blocking them both that way they don’t flood his phone with BS. Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

 

MKWeddingBee:  Good luck!! It sucks to have that added stress to a time that should be stress free and happy! I wouldn’t take the money from her either, because money with strings attached is never worth it in the end.

Post # 12
Member
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

 Unfortunately, YOU can’t cut her out of your lives. That’s on him, and that’s a major decision that he needs to make. You can go to counseling together and he may decide to cut her out of his life, or he may not. Ultimately, that’s his decision.

Now, what you can do to keep your sanity: set your email to automatically send all emails from her into another folder, or just delete them if you’d rather. You can also choose to block her texts, or just delete them without reading them. And the hardest part – explain to your fiance that while you love and support him, you’re not going to be involved in discussions about his mother.

Post # 13
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Can you make it so that any of the little contact she has goes through him and never to you directly? That would help a lot. 

Also, if you get an email or text that does not deserve a response – delete and forget. 

Post # 15
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Sigh… I have a great FMIL, it’s my mom that I had to cut out of my life… Ironically, she is trying to get my cousin to contact me and my sisters for help. I just sent him a FB message a few minutes ago. I told him neither me nor my sisters are in a position to, nor do we wish to help her. I told him the same thing over the phone, but I have to reiterate that I am not going to change my mind. Thanks to her; I would rather go be with God then go to jail. My childhood was similar to prison. She practically tried to control my every breath. When my wonderful dad (who she wished death upon openly and appeared to hate) passed, she finally unraveled and could not pretend to be sane in public like she had for many years.

I would not wish my experiences with her on anyone unless they harmed me horribly. I have not spoken to her in years. I just reminded my cousin that she is not invited to the wedding. If he brings her, they will both be physically removed by guests or the cops. I am not even joking, I want NOTHING to do with that lady ever again. I really don’t care about anything involving her. I spent 2 decades dealing with madness, I will not waste anymore time. It is hard because everyone wants a mom, but it is not worth the nightmare of having one that is not kind and loving. 

I think as long as your FI is serious about not having contact with her, you need to support him. He did not come to this conclusion easily and more than likely did a lot of soul searching before making this decision. He is trying to do what is best for his mental health, as should you. The less contact that you have with this woman, the better. I don’t regret separating myself from my mother. It is so freeing and a huge weight has been lifted. It frees you up to enjoy life. You even said you lose days over this nonsense, that is unacceptable! Please, choose joy and freedom. I wish you both well…

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