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You need to call these people and tell them, point-blank, "I'm sorry, but we can only afford to have x, y, and z come to the wedding due to our budget." If people are going to act like entitled brats and refuse to come, so be it.
I suggest having your FI talk to these people. He seems less emotional about it than you do.
You HAVE TO TELL THEM NO. Seriously. Just no. Tell them no. They are walking all over you - do you want to be the person people walk all over? You need to stay in control of the wedding, so that it remains an affordable event that is played out in your vision.
TELL THEM NO. Call them all back. No. The answer is No. Send them an e-mail with a link to the WeddingBee ettiquette board.
Yikes...is there any chance you can start screening phone calls that way you are not put on the spot with guest list and +1 questions?
You are not alone. I know I fare better when I am able to stand back and think about the answer to a question. Maybe you can have them leave messages instead, then reply back to their requests via an email or phone call with a prepared speech. Or better yet, have your FI handle it. He might be better prepared at on- the-spot reparte.
To help you find your backbone, think about how adding more people to your guest list will affect your financials as newlyweds. Maybe focusing on the effect rather than the cause will help you stand up to the +1 abusers.
@emkay625: Too funny...maybe those people get a "special" favor in their honor: an etiquette book. Or better yet, a bill for their dinner plates. ;)
Okay, you have the advantage of your fiance, either ring them back and say your fiance put his foot down and is sticking to the numbers on the invites, or have him ring them himself. Everyone has their strengths, maybe this is one of your fiances, let him at em!
Yikes!! I can't believe that people are even asking you these insane questions or just assuming they can bring whomever they would like and adding people to their RSVP card... I would loose my mind. I would certainly let them know that while you would love to have every one join you for the wedding, however your venue is at capacity so you wont be able to allow anyone to bring additional guests :)
i dont kno about the guests but the lady who wants to bring her baby.. i dont think thats so bad.. but thats just me. its not like the baby takes up an xtra seat and eats a full meal or drinks anything or adds to the cost in anyway.
I'm with the others: ask your FI if he'll call 'em back and tell 'em no. :) Then, let HIM deal with the calls! LOL! After all, it IS his wedding too! lol
Please don't lay this on your FI. It is not fair and you are setting him up with your family. If it was his family, I'd be all for it.
You need to call these people back and tell them that your plans/reception venue/budget can't accommodate any more guests. If you are really having a problem with this, call them when you think they are not home and leave a voice message. If people don't understand this, they are not worthy of attending your wedding.
I say if the problems are from your family, you simply HAVE to call them and just say "I'm sorry we can only afford a certain number of guests, otherwise we would have invited more people, but we can only receive the guests that were stated on the invitation. Thank you for understanding, and I can't wait to see YOU at the wedding." That behavior is unacceptable of them and you can stand up for yourself in a nice way. If the problem is with his family he should do the same. Good luck, and please let us know how it goes. I am so sorry you are going through this! (((HUGS)))
I would call these people back & tell them point blank, "I'm sorry, but after looking at our hall accomidations we simply don't have enough room. We need to wait for our other RSVP's before giving the okay for +1". I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Planning is stressful enough & it only makes it worse that people have no common decency or respect. (((hugs))) It will all turn out a-okay.
i agree with most posters above, tell them that per fire safety regulations you cannot have more people than you originally invited so all those exta people cannot attend unless someone you originally invited declines the invite...i also do not think a 1 year old at an adlut reception is a good idea...if they don't wanna come, that is their choice...
Call them back and tell them "I would love to have all of you and thought we could accomodate that, but I just found out due to space constraints and prior catering agreements, we can only have so many people there. Unfortunately we will have to limit the attendance to those specified on the invites only. Of course if space opens up after the RSVP deadline you will be the first ones I'll notify. "Also baby at an adult reception? Plain and simple no. Tell the mom you understand and appreciate her situation but you and your fiancee have agreed to an adults only reception and there are others in her situation who will just have to leave their kids at home with a babysitter.
It'll get easier after the first call. Just have a glass of wine (if you're a drinker), take a deep breath and do it.
You do need to call them back, but if it helps tell people that it turns out that you have less physical space than you thought you did for whatever reason. People tend to get that.
Tell them fire marshall restrictions if you have to! Just say no! They are being rude and inconsiderate! Maybe have your FI there for moral support/hand holding as you call them-unless he doesn't mind calling them for you???
Thank you all for some really great ideas....since it is MOSTLY my side of the family, I am going to have to contact them directly. I will have my FH call his side.
@Meliss: I am definitely a drinker and it will be much easier for me if I had a shot or 2 in me....GOOD THINKING!
@Sudslover: lol.... Calling when I think they will not be home is awesome! It would be easier to talk to a machine which will not talk back! I love it!
Just a lil update...we still have about 35% of our RSVP's outstanding and the deadline has come and gone. The ones we recently received still had "extras" on there, and some included kids names when the RSVP card clearly stated that it was "ADULTS ONLY" and was addressed to only the parents. I went to a wedding just this past Saturday and there was this lil boy making such a loud annoying fuss and his Mother was equally as bad as she was pinching him...tugging at his hair, and kept telling him she was going to take him to the bathroom and pull his pants down and give him a beating on his behind. I could not hear the bride nor groom as they were saying their vows to one another. I was seated in the 3rd row so if I couldn't hear, I know the 15 rows behind me couldn't either. This incident just affirmed that I DO NOT want children at our wedding....so thanks to you bees and this incident, I was finally able to find my backbone!
OMG this is one major issue that gets me fired up every time! Honestly, how can people be so rude?? it baffles me. I am sorry you're dealing with it in such large quantities too, you poor thing! Definitely call everyone and tell them that their extras can't come and you are strict on the NO KIDS policy, no exceptions. Your cousin with the baby is going to have to find a baby sitter, and that's the end of the story. We had an adults only wedding and I decided to call or email everyone we knew with kids prior to the invitations going out to say (nicely, of course lol) that the wedding was going to be adults only and I just wanted to make sure this was ok. otherwise we would have had a preschool on our hands! and it worked, everyone responded really well to the heads up and there was not a child in sight at the wedding :) i can;t tell you how many ceremonies I've been to that were ruined by obnoxious kids and equally obnoxious parents who don't get them the hell out of there like they should. and we were lucky that no one brought un-invited guests or dates, but i have heard horror stories like yours before. my friend at work invited one couple, some distant relatives whos exact relation i forget, but not their 3 teenage children. not only did they bring all 3 kids (after RSVPing for just themselves) but they let their kids bring friends!! so a party of 2 turned into a party of 10. WTF?! Good luck and just be blunt and to the point, don't present anything like it's only a suggestion. if you tell people what the deal is rather than suggest or ask, it's harder for them to say no ;)
Stay strong! People are rude and you need to be straight forward with them and say Sorry, but no.
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Ugh....I am getting my RSVP cards back and several people are adding additional guests! My single "Guest" is adding a +1, my "Guest" +1's are adding an additional +1 and so on and so on. I actually had an invite go out to a family of 6 and it came back with 10 names!!! Then I had a cousin call me last week to ask if they can all (3 cousins in 1 household) bring their boyfriends and girlfriends....I said ok and then she asked if the brother's girlfriend's sister could come too! What is going on in people's heads? Today was the straw that broke the camel's back....another cousin called to say that if she couldn't bring her 1 year old baby (we are having an Adults only wedding...at least we wanted it that way) that she nor my uncle's (her parents) could come. When I asked if she could leave the baby with his Dad (she is separated) she said no because he doesn't help her financially so he is not allowed to be with the baby. (yes, I know, that is a topic in itself) WHAT IS WORSE THAN ALL OF THIS....I did not have the backbone to tell all these people NO! I am so mad and disappointed in myself. My FI has already told me that this has got to stop or we will end up with #'s we cannot accommodate financially and we will end up with a bunch of screaming kids running around that we did not want. Worst of all, I am still expecting 66% of my RSVP's back. Excuse me ladies while I go to the bathroom now because I am physically ill!