Help Me Please: FI Is Grieving

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
3515 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think you’re doing the right thing. Be there for him, but don’t hound him and let him grieve the way he needs to. He’ll come to you if you needs you, I think it’s great you’re there for him.

My MIL passed away in August, my husband also didn’t want to talk about it or to be around a bunch of people at first. I stayed home from work, but didn’t pester him, he knew I was there if he needed me though.

Sorry for you loss. 

Post # 4
Member
6964 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@MsMonkey:  Oh man. I’m so very sorry for your loss. I know it must be very difficult to want to help your partner and not know what to do.

Personally, I would do what you are doing- be there but out of the way. Maybe take a break (in case what he really wants is to curl up in bed and cry). Say you’re headed to Starbucks for a couple hours… or something near home. Tell him to call if he needs anything. Then get out, bring him back something he might like. That way if he’s truely alone for a while and realizes it’s NOT really what he wants, he can tell you. He may not know right now. Or if it IS what he really wants, you gave him the space he needed. 

It will also help you. It’s taxing to try and be the sole support for someone going through a major emotional crisis. You need your breathing room, too. A party would probably NOT be fun, but maybe a quiet corner in a coffee shop would give you some peace. 

Post # 5
Member
432 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@X0JLYNN03:  Completely agree! Don’t hound him but let him know you are there if he needs you. When my FI’s grandfather passed away, I would just sit with him and not say anything. 

Post # 6
Member
3570 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I would just give him space.  He knows you support him, but he may just want to be alone. 

Post # 7
Member
4639 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, but at the end of the day everyone grieves differently and if he wants to be alone, he wants to be alone.. no matter how hard it is for you.

I’d say continue what you’re doing. Offer to help him, be patient, and listen when he wants to be alone.

Post # 9
Member
4601 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@MsMonkey:  FH went through something similar when his mom passed away last July. He mostly wanted to be alone and he didn’t want to talk about anything. Sometimes all I did was sit on the couch next to him in silence. Sometimes that’s enough.  

Post # 10
Member
1007 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@MsMonkey:  Aww *hugs* That’s so sad! You’re doing just fine. Be there for him like you already are. You’ve made it clear you’re there for him when he needs it, but for now, let him have his own space. As much as we may have that overwhelming instinct to want to hug and let him cry, he is probably trying to ‘be a man’ and not show his pain in front of you.

One of my best male friends had found out he lost his grandmother (while we were on a summer trip in Orlando with a friend). I put a box of tissues on the desk in front of where he sat, left the room, and closed the door. As much as I wanted to check on him, I left him alone until he came out on his own. He later thanked me for it.

Post # 11
Member
3828 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@MsMonkey:  Everyone grieves in their own way, especially men.  You just need to be available, but not pressure him to open up to you.  Sometimes a physical presents is enough. Let him grieve on his own. 

Post # 12
Member
2839 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Just want to echo everyone who says you are totally doing the right thing. I think guys feel like they have to be strong for other people, so sometimes they need to be alone in order to really let themselves grieve and be sad without putting on a facade of strength. A PP said “be there but be out of the way” – I think that’s perfect advice. 

I’m so sorry for you and your FI’s loss. 🙁

Post # 13
Member
3442 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@MsMonkey:  I think you are handling this exceptionally well. I think it’s a nice gesture that you have made yourself available should he need your support, but also given him his space, since this is what he asked for. I prefer to be alone when I am grieving as well.

I am so very sorry for your loss & I want you to know that you are doing a great job as his support system.

Post # 14
Member
1028 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

+1 for most of the comments. I completely understand you wanting to comfort him the same way you want and need comfort; reciprocity but I think its great you are respecting his wishes and not pressing him. One thing I will say is gently try to encourage him to eat. Maybe some soup or half a sandwich because he can get sick that way. Best of luck and many prayers your way.

Post # 15
Member
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

 I’m still in the grieving process myself, and I  completely understand wanting to be alone. The best thing my fiance has done is  letting me know that he’s there if I need him, while giving me my space. If you want something practical to help with, make  something for dinner that’s  comfort food and  easy to reheat. Lasagna is my  personal preference. That way  if he feels like eating, he can, if not, it’s not like you prepared  something totally  fancy.

Post # 16
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@MsMonkey:  My DH is also an “alone” person with loss. One of his closest friends recently killed himself.

I left, and came back an hour later with 4 pints of Ben&Jerry’s for him.

Then I left him alone again.

Does your DH have anything he REALLY loves? Like a food or movie or something?

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