Help me see what I'm doing is right. finding common ground with FI

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
354 posts
Helper bee

Honestly, you went into this relationship knowing that this man smokes weed. You accepted him as a person, and I’m on his side with this. His decision to stop must be his own. It’s not fair to him that you dated him knowing full well that he smokes and later on in the relationship decided it was a deal breaker.

As for baking into food. I don’t smoke myself, but I have friends who use weed a lot for various reasons. Many of them agree that edibles are way stronger than anything they smoke. So they typically avoid those or end up super shit faced after them. Another friend just gets sick after edibles, but likes to smoke when the mood strikes. So your fiance might not like edibles once he tries them.

I think that your compromise about no smoking while you’re TTC or after you have children is fair, but you have to treat your fiance like an adult and let him decide what he puts into his body. You’re not his mother, so he shouldn’t feel like he has to hide his recreational drug use around you and you dated him knowing that he smokes, so you have nothing to complain about.

Post # 3
Member
5499 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Lola's Trailer Park

Don’t marry someone if you don’t want them exactly as they are right this second. Marriage rarely changes people, if anything it makes them more what they are.

Post # 4
Member
643 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

People don’t change just because of marriage and kids. So if you aren’t happy with how he is right now then the wedding should be delayed until he is able to make changes on his own accord. 

At the same time, this really is not his fault because you knew what he was like from the beginning and chose to ignore it. 

Post # 5
Member
6804 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I would never marry someone on the promises of change in the future. If you aren’t who I want to be married to now and if you aren’t who I would choose to be the father of my children now then I’m out.

Honestly, I think it’s unfortunate you didn’t end this relationship years ago. Not because either of you are wrong or a bad person but because this is obviously an issue you will always be fighting about and it just sounds exhausting.

Post # 8
Member
295 posts
Helper bee

He has to make changes of his own accord, which may or may not happen. I wouldn’t expect him to change without seeing a lasting commitment to change from him, and even then change is hard and may never happen. For the most part, people are who they’ve shown themselves to be. I wouldn’t marry someone if I expected them to change. That’s not fair to yourself or your partner.

Post # 9
Member
6804 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

smudgie :  Unfortunately, I feel like the only option you have is to completely accept it because you can’t force him to change, you can only control your own behavior. 

Post # 10
Member
202 posts
Helper bee

He clearly isn’t “very much a man of his word” as you said yourself he hid his smoking for months. He’s not going to change ever. Accept this, or move on bee. 

Post # 11
Member
2792 posts
Sugar bee

How is your FI a man of his word if he hid his pot smoking from you because he knew it would upset you?

Look, OP, your future husband is a pot smoker, full stop. You need to accept that about him if you’re going to marry him. He may eventually quit, or he may not, but that’s entirely up to him, and he has already shown you through his actions that merely telling you he’ll stop will not actually result in him stopping.

Personally I would never marry someone who smoked pot on a regular basis. (Once in a blue moon, fine, but if its something that’s happening often enough for us to have recurrent fights about it, no.) I dated a pot smoker in the past and it’s just not for me. I hate the smell of it, I hate the way it makes a person numb and lazy, just no, frequent pot use is a total dealbreaker for me personally. I know you say his smoking is not that frequent, but then later in the post you said you were trying to limit him to “x times per month” – so that makes me think it is kinda regular.

Anyway…point being, either marry him and accept that he’s gonna smoke, or don’t marry him, but do not go into the marriage thinking he’ll change.

Post # 12
Member
619 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

He’s not going to stop until he is ready for his own reasons. No amount of nagging (or compromise) will change that. My DH used to smoke weed, and we fought about it. (This was years ago before we were married.) He actually completely stopped about 10 years ago, but that was when he came to the decision on his own. He decided he wanted sobriety. The nagging that I did earlier in the relationship didn’t stop him, and only drove both of us nuts. 

I suggest you either accept that this is his own decision and accept him as he is, or break off the engagement. He could make you promises about compromising, but that doesn’t mean that he’ll follow through. I’d expect that he will continue what he’s doing now after the wedding! 

Post # 13
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee

bumblebug :  you perfectly dictated my exact thoughts.

 

I wish less people would paint pot use as such a black and white issue.  Especially if you’ve never tried it yourself.  From what you described it sounds like he’s got control over it.  Does his being high negatively affect your relationship other than you just not approving?  I would understand if he were a slob or unaffectionate or something, but if he’s a mature user than I’m not sure what you have to be upset about.

 

I’m an on/off smoker.  I go through phases..a bowl every night after work for a couple months then I’ll quit cold turkey for a couple months.  I don’t like to feel dependent on it and I also just want to feel that “first time” again, hence why a break is nice.  My boyfriend is a nonsmoker.  Never got into it.  He will share with me every so often, but otherwise prefers his whiskey and he doesn’t judge me for the vice I choose.  You sound like a pretty straight edge person so you’ve put yourself in a tricky spot here because you sound very uncomfortable being flexible with it.  Any “compromises” you impose on him will only make him resent you for not accepting him as he is.  The terms you want to set for his smoking imply that you don’t think he can make the best decisions for himself.  Asthma or not, he’s a grown man, and this is the man you chose.  It would be very unwise to expect marriage or children to suddenly change his mind about it.  That may happen but it just as likely won’t and you need to be ok with that if you really want this to work.

 

And as a side note, may I pretty please recommend you just take one hit??  you might see things from a new perspective.

Post # 14
Member
31 posts
Newbee

I may be old and old fashioned, but I do think that we accept things early in a relationship that we shouldn’t because things are new and exciting, but that doesn’t mean you cannot voice your opinion and revisit how you feel now. When my husband and I were in college, he was in a fraternity and was a heavy drinker. It didn’t bother me much at the time because that’s what many college men do.  It was the norm, but after we married and were trying to build a life together, the drinking bothered me because I felt it was time to grow up and take life more seriously and focus on more important things than partying.  So, I can understand your feelings.  It took a great deal of talking (and some fighting honestly), but my husband did finally see that he was going to lose his wife if he didn’t make better choices. We are working on almost 25 years, so we made it through the rough patch, but I am glad I spoke up about my feelings.  I definitely don’t agree with the people saying you have to accept it now because you did in the past.  People grow and change.  You are allowed to change how you feel about things. It sounds as if you might need to have another heart to heart. 

Post # 15
Member
7725 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Your values are important. I don’t think he’s going to quit his pot usage anytime soon, or ever even. You can’t make him quit. Marriage won’t make him quit. Who knows if he will actually quit when you have kids. If anything, the stress of kids may drive him to use the stuff even more.

I would think long and hard about your marriage plans. Especially if marijuana is illegal where you live, do you want to be in constant worry that the authorities will find out about his use? It’s never too late to make a change, for you to end the relationship to find someone who better matches your goals and values. 

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