- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2014
Been snooping on this site for a while and as I’m engaged I thought I’d come on here to vent! Sorry that this is so long but it helps me think over things too.
Basically, my fiance is ten years older than me and since starting my first proper job since leaving uni I’ve been feeling like we’re on different wave-lengths – not just because of age, but because of life’s experiences, ideas of what is/isn’t appropriate, goals in life, etc.
I am a very ambitious person and love my new job. I am quite quiet but I’ve made lots of new friends and am feeling really happy (I suffer with depression). For half of last year I was stuck at home for months on end looking for work, where the only priority in my life was my fiance and what he was doing. I was excited about the engagement because truthfully, this was the only exciting thing in my life.
My fiance, on the other hand, is a very sociable person and has lots of friends. I sometimes feel he thinks he can’t go out because I don’t want to go out and party, I am a homebird. His group of friends have known eachother since uni and can be quite incestuous (everyone knows/has dated everyone else). He is my best friend and says I am his, but I am wondering if that sexual connection has gone because that’s all we now are – friends. We barely have sex anymore and I don’t feel very sexy at all. He also has the habit of treating me like a child sometimes because of the age gap (“tidy up”, “do your room” etc!).
He is also very ambitious and hard-working but he says he’s noticed a difference in me since starting my job. I think this is because he’s not used to getting the attention I gave him. However, I am starting to see that there is more to life and that my priorities are not to simply get married and have children. I am only 22 and this really isn’t my goal.
In terms of life goals, he says he’s pictured me meeting him at the airport as his wife with kids running up to him, happy to see their daddy and husband. The loyal, devoting wife idea just isn’t my goal in life and I don’t want children for a VERY long time… if ever.
In terms of what we see as appropriate/inappropriate behaviours in a relationship, Fiance has got the habit of thinking he can have his cake and eat it. If I did half the things he’s done to me, I doubt we’d still be here now. For a long time, he kept in contact with his ex and still stays in touch with her family – I don’t believe this should happen, as life is about moving forward. I’m not saying erase your past as everyone has one, but at least try and move forward with your life and focus on the present. As I mentioned before, his group of friends are quite “incestuous” and I once had the not-so-pleasant evening of hanging round with a fling of his that he hadn’t told me about (I found out through a friend of his about them). I was mortified as everyone else knew in the room and I sat there not knowing.
He also has a habit of not letting go from things and romanticising situations that were never that way – he reminisces about university and how great it was, when in actual fact he got kicked out and joined a band after one year.
The main thing that has affected our relationship is this:
Basically, my fiance’s ex-girlfriend was a real nightmare for the first two years of our relationship. They’d broken up a couple of years before he met me and once we made things “Facebook official”, she started playing up.
Suddenly, she wanted to see him all the time; kept e-mailing, ringing and texting him, telling him how much she missed him (and vice versa…) – all of which he kept from me. I only discovered they’d been speaking and meeting up when he left his Facebook on by accident – he’d lied to me and told me he hadn’t spoken to her (in his own words, “Why would I? I wouldn’t expect you do to it”) when in fact they had been for the entire duration of what I thought was a new, clean slate relationship with me. From what he’d told me, she sounded like a nightmare, so why he’d want to stay friends with this girl is beyond me anyway.
Now, most women probably would’ve told him to get lost, but after a two week hiatus, he begged for forgiveness and I took him back. He said she guilt-tripped him into meeting up (hmm, weird considering he’s a thirty year old grown man) and that he felt bad because she “wasn’t all there”. I found this ridiculous as he’d told her in writing that he missed her and that it was hard seeing her because he’d “always care for her”.
I told him that he had to get rid of her from his life and that having this contact was inexcusable. If she did have feelings for him, it was unfair on her too because she wasn’t being allowed to move on.
I was heartbroken. I sent her a message saying this was unfair to both me and him and telling someone else’s boyfriend they missed them (amongst other personal things) just wasn’t on. She called me a bitch and said I was immature and would end up losing him, then blocked me as though this was MY fault! Fiance also sent her a FB message saying this contact needed to end but that he wished her the best in life… although now it feels like he was doing it just to please me, not because he actually wanted to.
Interestingly, his ex used to get wound up by the fact he still stayed in touch with his uni girlfriend… see what I mean about clinging onto the past?
We didn’t hear anything for a couple of months but then the messages started up again, saying how much he’d regret treating her like this, that she’d done nothing wrong etc. I told him to block her – he didn’t. Message upon message later, he still didn’t block her or tell her to go away. All he needed to do was tell her to leave us alone. He often didn’t tell me she’d written to him either, I ended finding out myself.
When he proposed, I was ecstatic and the ring was beautiful… but then he got a message from her saying “congratulations xxx” as though nothing had happened?! She then wrote another essay saying how he was being cruel to her and how happy she was for him that he’d found someone to marry (wtf, seriously…). Again, it was down to me to find them. My heart was breaking yet again because he was just allowing these messages to filter through and reminding me of those messages they’d sent each other. I don’t think he physically cheated on me but emotionally… yes.
I am now at the stage where I genuinely feel sorry for his ex because he stays in touch with her family on Facebook as well. No wonder she can’t move on when she will see what he’s up to all the time. How else did she find out about our engagement? He recently posted a homemade video on his FB page and her mum shared it to all of her friends. Yes, really. If my mum had done that about one of my exes, I would have been fuming. I just don’t find it acceptable. I asked him just to please stop this and get rid of them… and he did, eventually, but not because he wanted to.
In terms of other girls, I have caught him looking at porn before (despite him denying it as though I’m stupid). Am I not good enough in bed? I am lanky and skinny and these girls are voluptous and bigger.
To top things off, I’ve now had the joy of discovering that he has applied for an office job where her sister works… in a small team. She would be his boss. He doesn’t know I know, but part of me is beyond caring now. I am just gobsmacked and at the end of my tether. He doesn’t want these people out of his life.
I love his family but I don’t know what to do anymore. I know this post comes across as me being overbearing and a psycho but I just want someone to respect me the way I respect him. He has made me so paranoid and I’m NOT this kind-of person. I am loyal to the ends of the Earth and I just want someone to be the same to me. 🙁 He just doesn’t respect me or our relationship. Please share your advice and what I should do. 🙁