Help Me with Gender Disappointment :(

posted 4 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 3
Member
4413 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

How does your husband feel about it? I think it’s perfectly natural for us to prefer children of our own gender, in which case I’d expect your husband to be thrilled (even if it’s only in secret!). Maybe you could encourage him to vocalize more about how he’s feeling, and his own joy will be infectious? I know my DH was a little bummed to find out that we’re having a girl, so I totally overdid my joyful reaction so that he could feed off my positive energy, and sure enough, he’s now getting more and more excited about his little princess. Your DH will have a son to play catch with and teach about cars and tools and whatnot. Your daughters will have a brother to kick the asses of guys that mistreat them later in life. Yay!!!

I am CERTAIN that you will come around and end up excited about this. Just keep reading those baby name lists and something will click. Hugs to you!

Post # 4
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Have you thought that your pregnancy emotions might be causing this and magnifying the dissapointment into a full blown depression?

Post # 5
Member
753 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Hugs!! Your feelings are valid. You’re allowed to be disappointed, and you’re not the first to feel this way. It could be that your husband is right and you’re fixating on this- and that’s okay, too. I don’t have advice, having not been here, but know that you’re allowed to feel this way. Don’t beat yourself up about, if you can. Take care of yourself first. 

Post # 6
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2006

I was the same way when I had my second child last year. I have a girl already and wanted another girl sooooo bad. When we heard boy in the ultrasound, my husband was super excited, but I cried. I was so disappointed. I told my husband later on when we were alone how I was so disappointed that it was a boy and he pretty much shrugged it off. I thought I was a jerk for feeling that way. Than I spoke to friends and found out alot were the same. They wanted one or the other sex so bad, that when they were told it wasn’t what they were having, they were upset for a long time.

I didn’t start to get excited til about 30 weeks and after. We named him and I would talk to him in my belly, and I started to shop for him and set up his nursery. I started to be okay with having a boy. Than he came, and OMG, I LOVED HIM!!!!!!!! He is such a beautiful little boy. I just fell in love. And, never again regretted not having a girl. And, to be honest, I like having a boy now. He is just so adorable. And, is my little man. I can’t picture life without him.

So, believe me when I say this will pass. Go out, look at boy stuff. Seriously, buy something for him that YOU want for him. A toy, a blanket, outfit. Something from Mommy to her man.. And, try to enjoy these few weeks before he comes. It moves fast. I was a scheduled c-section.. Didn;t happen, he came 3 weeks early.

I promise, the feelings will go away. You will love him just like you love your daughters. It is amazing how much you fall for your kids. You will see.. You will love that boy like nothing else. And, you will now have a Mommy’s Little Man!!!!

Congrats by the way!!!!

 

Post # 7
Member
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

When I am disappointed for whatever reason, I try to focus on the positives rather than dwelling in the negatives. So my suggestion is to get positive. hell, fake positivity at first. Force yourself to smile. The more you do that, the more you will genuinely feel positive about it. And that eventually snowballs into genuine excitement and happiness. So everytime you have a negative thought, literally tell yourself “Knock it off, Stuckinwonderland. This is awesome. Baby boys are great! You get to play dinosaurs with them. You get to buy adorable bow ties and little man clothes….. (and keep going with the positives)” Use positive self talk to get through the disappointment phase. It works. Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
1015 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. We’re not even TTC yet, so I know I can’t truly understand what you’re going through on a deeper emotional level, but having a brother 12 years younger than me has given me some perspective on how much fun it is having a little boy around.

Everyone says how much easier boys are to raise, and in my brother’s case, he’s basically a dream child- he’s great in school, he’s an incredibly talented guitar player for his age (he plays both electric and acoustic, anywhere from serenading my mom with Beatles and Phillip Phillips and Mumford and Sons to rocking out with AC/DC and classic rock), he’s a good athlete so going to his games are really fun and gives you a chance to socialize with other fun outdoorsy moms, and he is incredibly sweet and kind while also being a bit of a class clown and always cracking us up around the dinner table. He’s grown up with two older sisters and no brothers, so he’ll definitely know how to treat a girl like a princess once he’s dating =). You will have a very special bond with your son.

What names were you thinking of for girls? Could any of those work as a jumping-off point for a boy name?

Try Pinterest for inspiration for a boy’s nursery. You will find 1000 not-cute ideas before you find something you do like (I have picky taste too when it comes to boy’s rooms). Try thinking outside the box… there’s no reason a boy’s room has to be all red and blue and racecar themed in order for it to still be masculine. I personally would be able to talk myself out of gender disappointment in finding out that Im having a boy because I would be able to do a Harry Potter room, haha! I’m going to search through my Pinterest boards and will post back in the hopes that something I’ve saved you will also like and maybe get you excited?

Post # 9
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

Sorry you feel this way. How does your husband feel? Is he happy? Seeing him happy should make you happy. Plus you already have two girls. You get to experience something new and different. Maybe it isn’t what you want, but you need to try to make the most of it. I actually would prefer boys myself. You certainly don’t have to have a name picked out yet. I would keep looking around at boy stuff, and you will eventually find things you like.

I wish you all the best. You will love him when he arrives. Hard to see that now, but you will.

Post # 10
Member
1083 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I grew up with 3 sisters and all of us were within 4 years of each other.  Our household was basically hell when we were all tweens/teens at the same time.  We fought and screamed at each other and said such hurtful things and cried and screamed some more.  I am having a boy, too, and I am SUCH a girly girl that I am scared of never having that girl I want to do her hair, help her learn how to do her make up, be there on her wedding day, etc!  But what makes me feel better is just thinking about how much easier a boy will be as a teenager compared a girl…you could also keep that in mind that you are going to have a little testosterone in the mix instead of raging estrogen!  I know my Dad was a little worn out with 5 women in the house with him being the only guy for 20+ years. 

Little girls are SO cute and the retail market is complety girl-heavy with adorable clothes, accessories, etc. etc. However, those little girls grow up into teens who are more expensive with wanting/needing bras, feminine products, makeup, jewelry, etc.!  Add in all the drama that comes with girls and I am no longer disappointed about this baby being a boy.  Maybe try and keep the long-term picture in your head instead of just thinking about adorable baby girl things?   Like I said before that helps me tremendously!  

I also think boy names are SO MUCH HARDER than girl names to pick out.  This doesn’t make it any easier, either!  But sometimes you just have to literally go through a huge list of boy names, say each one out loud, and finally one might click.  I had to do this and I think I seriously read through over 600 names before saying one out loud that I liked. It was ridiculous and I almost gave up. 

I agree with PP that sometimes your thougts end up controlling you, so you really might just have to have a little heart-to-heart with yourself and tell yourself to put your buck up and get over it, then just start only letting yourself think about positive things associated with the baby.  If you start to get a negative thought creeping in, then try and chase it away with a positive thought or do something to distract yourself from thinking about it.  When you are doing things like picking out a name, etc., you really have to have a “positive” attitude about it…if you approach it with the heartbreak that he’s not a she, then you’re setting yourself up for disappointment before you even start. 

Also, if you seriously can’t seem to shake these thoughts/worries, I also agree that you may need to talk to your doctor about depression because pregnancy depression can turn into post-partum depression very easily.  And remember that actual depression is NOT just a “funk” you are in that you need to snap out of, it’s legitimate chemical imbalances in your brain that cause you to feel the way you do, so don’t be embarrassed at all about talking to your doctor about it. It’s also extremely common and if you have to end up taking meds for it, the meds are very often not life-time sentences of popping a “happy pill” every single day, you usually do a treatment course and then stop taking the meds after a few months. 

Post # 11
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Maybe throwing yourself in will help. Force yourself to go out and buy stuff. Even though boy stuff isn’t as cute as girl stuff (I think), it might help to buy some things and think, he is going to look so cute when he wears this. Or pick some nursery decor and think of sitting in that nursery here pretty soon, feeding and cuddling him. I think the visualizing will help. As for the name, it took us four months to come up with a boy name. I, too, think boy names are harder. If you are worried about him being nameless, put all that worry into finding the perfect name. I think your husband may be on to something–health problems during pregnancy are scary, and you may be so busy thinking about your medical issues and/or your gender wishes instead of getting on the ball. It may not help you to just dive in, but it is worth a shot. FWIW, my sister and I always wanted a little baby brother. Congrats, mama!

Post # 12
Member
359 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2005

Both the manflesh and I thought we wanted a girl, but we ended up with a boy and now I can’t even imagine going back.  I’m like, “I wanted a what?  Psh.”  So, hopefully it will be that way for you too.

It does sound like your husband’s on to something, as far as putting all your frustrations on the boy issue.  I can’t believe that every boy thing in the world is un-cute and every boy name is ugly.  It sounds a lot like how I get when I’m in a funk and can’t have the thing I want, so I poopoo everything else.

Don’t stress too much about the name thing.  We chose to wait to settle on a name until we met our son, and that worked well for us.  I don’t think it’s terrible not to have a name in mind going in.  Once you see him and get to know him, it will be a lot easier.

As for the nursery, I have two ideas if you can’t get excited about it:

1) Assign someone else to do it.  I’m sure an auntie or a grandma or a friend would be thrilled to go on a baby boy shopping spree.  Make a list of the basics you need, and let someone else decide what’s cute.  Just tell them you’re too tired for the store or something.

2) Do it yourself, but take a totally practical standpoint.  If nothing is “cute,” get whatever is the best deal, best designed, made to last, etc.  Let your logical brain take over instead of trying to get your emotional side on board.

I hope this all works out for you.  Keep tabs on your mental state, and be sure to reach out if things get too bad, or if you feel you’re veering into full on depression.  I bet you’ll do fine though, and love your new little man.

Post # 13
Member
6964 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

I’m not a mom, but I was REALLY disappointed when my sister announced she was having a boy instead of a girl. Our family has had 5 babies in the past two years and they’ve ALL been boys. But there are totally cute boy things!

Plus, you’ll have adorable sister/brother pics like these:

Post # 14
Member
1102 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I don’t have kids, but my best friend is 28 weeks pregnant with a little boy.. both of us were the kind of girls who wanted girls because neither of us has any brothers. Then when she got pregnant and started thinking more about it, she realised she’d love to have a little boy for her husband, he would be a great ‘boy Dad’ and teach him how to play sport etc etc, a good male role model. 

I got thinking too and decided it would be so lovely to have a boy when the time comes, if he could look like his Daddy when he was a small child, so cute 🙂 and little boys are just so lovely and sweet!! As for baby boy / cute things for little boys, look at this stuff…

 

 

Post # 15
Member
919 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I agree with @xSparr0w:  !!  I think it is normal to be a bit disappointed but i think it is magnified by your hormones.  Congratulations and I have faith you will absolutely adore your little man!!

Post # 16
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I have a six year old boy… and I found out a few weeks ago I was pregnant (I lost the baby this week)… 

Everyone asks do you want a boy or girl. Honestly to me I was wanting a girl but nervous about it at the same time. I would love another baby boy because oh my gosh am I in love with the preciousness of baby boys. So sweet, so loveable and kind.. always curious about everything. Always playing with little cars, legos and tiny men… always pretending.  Im a great mom to a boy and I’ve seen the little girls my sons age and it scares me to death how dramatic they are and some are downright mean. I think its not about preferring your own gender like another poster mentioned, I think its more about what you have become comfortable with. You are a great mom to girls and a boy is out of your expertise or comfort zone but honestly you are going to fall in love with your angel the minute you hold him. Boys love their mommies and your heart will melt with every wilted flower he brings you.

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