Post # 1
FI’s father passed away when he was a kid, so a few male family friends played a big part in his life as role models. He has stayed in touch with one of these friends through college and Future Mother-In-Law is close to the guy as well. He was a guest at FI’s bar mitzvah and will be invited to the wedding.
When Future Mother-In-Law first mentioned the wedding to him, this guy laughed out loud because the event was in Philadelphia as opposed to Maryland where Future Mother-In-Law and her friends live. Most of FI’s family is in Philly; it is actually the most central location for our guests rather than what’s best for us. So we were a bit offended by his comments. How is it even remotely logical to have an event in a place that’s convenient for like 15-20 out of 75 guests? Not to mention it’s like a 3 hour drive for him so no big deal.
Just now Future Mother-In-Law informed us that he’s pretty set on vacationing in Greece on Labor Day weekend. He hasn’t bought the tickets yet, but very likely to. Just for some background, he’s married, no kids, has a lot of $$, travels a ton with his wife and has a huge supply of vacation days.
The fact that he would plan a vacation during our wedding when he could really do it anytime upset both of us. Fiance wants to write an email just expressing how important it was for him to have this guy there and how surprised and upset he was to hear about the Greece plans. He doesn’t want anything confrontational, overly emotional or dramatic. But because this guy seems completely oblivious to how hurtful he’s being, Fiance would like to politely point it out.
So what would you say in this situation and how?
Post # 3
PS In case you’re wondering why Fiance wants to even bother writing to someone who clearly seems to not give a **** about our wedding, I think he just doesn’t want to let go after 12+ years of considering him a member of the family, and wants to understand what’s going on.
Post # 4
What a tough situation. I’m sorry for your Fiance that he’s having to deal with this. I don’t have any good advice on exact wording, except that your FI should be honest about how much this person’s presence means to him while also making a point of being understanding about the reason why this person thinks this weekend is the best time for his trip. I think it might go over better if your Fiance calls this guy rather than emails him. Tone is often lost in email, and I think that no matter how delicately we try to say that someone has hurt our feelings over email, it is often misunderstood by the recipient and comes off as accusatory or confrontational. Best of luck!
Post # 5
That’s tough 🙁
I would suggest a phone call rather than an email; unless the guy has already specifically told your Fiance that he is going to Greece, just (have FI) call him up and let him know how much it would mean if he could come to the the wedding, and how grateful Fiance is for the influence he had in his life after his father passed.
Post # 6
Second the suggestion of phone rather than e-mail. It’s very easy for tone to be lost, and this is a rather touchy subject.
Post # 7
Umm I understand why you both are hurt but it does happen that guests choose other things over your wedding. I’ve got an entire family that I consider like my own who aren’t coming because of a prior committment. I also have another couple who would rather go back to their college hometown to party for his 30th bday. That one I don’t really get because all of our friends will be at our wedding partying so I’m not sure who they plan to party with. But to each their own.
I wouldn’t write an email because like owlbride said words get lost in text. I would have the Fiance call and say hey man we are getting excited about our wedding plans and I can’t wait to spend the day celebrating with you and your wife. Give him the chance to tell you himself. Who knows he may not really have put two and two together when he told the Future Mother-In-Law about the trip.
Post # 8
I agree a phone call might be best and just be genuine about what he means to Fiance .. if its not him calling.
Post # 9
Definitely call instead of emailing. All your groom can do is be honest and then let it go. I know it’s hard, but you can’t control the choices others make, only how you react to them. We just got a ‘decline’ from a couple we see more than anyone else in my FI’s family, they mean a lot to him and are the first family he introduced me to. They said no because they want to use their time share that week, you know, instead of the 51 other weeks of the year that we AREN’T getting married. We were hurt because of all of his family, they were always the ones we thought for sure would be there.
They made their choice and now we are making ours to not dwell on it and focus on the people that ARE coming and want to be there for us.
Post # 10
Aww, that’s tough. I would also recommend that your Fi call him, himself. I’m not exaclty sure about the words. Maybe something like:
“I heard you were thinking of going on vacation instead of my wedding. I understand if you choose to do this, as the wedding is planned on a holiday weekend. Since I might not get the chance to see you before the wedding, maybe I can take the time now to tell you you’ve been very important to me for a number of years. I really needed a male role model after my dad died. And I very much appreciate having you in my life. Maybe if you weren’t around, I wouldn’t be in a place in my life to get married. So thank you for all that you’ve done for me. I’d love for you to come, if you change your mind.”
Post # 11
Call instead of emailing, but like others have said, realize that people do choose to do things that don’t seem like they care. I had 2 whole families back out b/c of really bogus excuses. It hurt, b/c I grew up with them. But you have to let it slide. Remember, it may be one of the most important days for YOU but it may not be for all the people you’re inviting.
Post # 12
I wouldn’t say anything at all. One of my uncles declined to come to our wedding because he wanted to go to an antique car meet that weekend (he goes to them almost every weekend). If he’s really planning not to attend, then there’s nothing he can say that will make you feel any better about it. Just let it go even though it hurts and it isn’t ideal.
Post # 13
@Tanya123 – that’s really helpful, I think that exactly what Fiance wanted to say 🙂
I agree with all of you that calling is probably better. And we’re definitely not going to dwell on this…it’s more like having one conversation with him to find some closure. I understand that people have other priorities, and I have no hard feelings for anyone who’s offered genuine reasons for being unable to attend. However, we planned a small wedding and are inviting only people who should care enough to make an effort. Honestly if someone didn’t come to my wedding without a good reason, I could never be close to them again.