Post # 1
My mother & I aren’t that close and I can’t think of a single thing to say to go with her gift apart for “Thanks for coming”
I have thought of nice things to say to the inlaws, my dad & his wife, because they’ve all been there for me and we’re all pretty close. My mother has issues that has torn a rift between her & all of her children. We have tried helping her but it seems to make things worse, we have likened it to attention seeking, each time we help & show her compassion she does something worse the next time. We talk once a year (if that), & we only live a 5min drive from each other. I only get calls when she’s “down” and needs to talk about her problems & have a cry. She hasn’t met my 7mth old yet, I tried to organise a visit & I got “oh I’m a bit tired and feeling a bit down at the moment. So I’d prefer you didn’t”
So as you can see I can’t write a thanks for being there for me, or a thanks for helping me through tough times, because it was me that was there for her through her tough times. The last thing I want is to write something simple & straight forward (like thanks for coming) to my mother & have the others sharing the nice things I wrote to them with her. She would, as you can imagine, take it terribly & it could end up in her ruining my day to make it about her. Then again if I write her something too soppy she will bawl at the top of her lungs & again draw attention, & I also don’t feel comfortable “lying” to her either as she might feel as though all the things she’s said & done are “forgiven”.
I joked with my partner & said I should write “thanks for showing up” as I plan to rent a town car to get her to & from the wedding, because it took her 3 hours to drive to my sons bday party (keep in mind I’m only 5mins away). By the time she made it everyone had left & he was asleep, so she had a sleep on my couch for an hour & left, lol.
I have considered giving her just a gift a few days before & hope that noone will say anything, but knowing my luck they will. And I really want to give everyone else there’s just before the ceremony by leaving it on their chairs to reserve their seats.
So I would love it if anyone can help me write something nice?
Post # 3
@onyx burgundy love: Are you talking about thank you cards for wedding gifts, or more like nice cards/letters you’re giving special people in your life just to tell them how special they are? If it’s the second, how is she in her non-mother roles in life? Anything nice there that you could focus on? Like, maybe she’s not that great a mom, but she’s been a good daughter to your grandma, or been there for a sister or brother that needed her, or maybe she’s really good at her job? what about something like “I’ve always admired how kind you are to animals” or “your enthusiasm for raising awareness of cancer/aids/the environment/etc is inspiring.” Did she foster in you a love of books, music, movies, art, a sport, coffee, cheesecake? Do you have any fond memories of her doing your hair or shopping for clothes or anything like that?
My mom is a challenging person to love too. I think it’s wonderful that you’re putting so much effort into being nice, and that you’re so considerate of her feelings. Yet it sounds like you’ve escaped the co-dependent trap that is so common. Good for you.
Post # 4
Ugh, I feel you, OP. My mother is very similar (though I’m an only child), and I have NO idea how to interact with her anymore. I feel like I can’t trust anything she says or does. Mrgh.
What about something like, “Thank you for sharing today with us, and thank you for shaping me to be the person I’ve become.”?
Post # 5
@vorpalette: +1. Or, alternately, could your SO write her note (sounds like you wrote the one to your ILs) thanking her (generically) for raising the woman that he loves & will spend the rest of his life with?
Post # 6
@les105: I like this idea.
Post # 7
Thank you so much! I was waiting to be flamed for being nasty or something lol.
@Daisy_Mae: They’ll be cards mainly to our parents & maybe grand parents, to thank them on our day, IYKWIM? I’ll have to think about your suggestion a little more, My mother has quit her job, left her church & become a bit of a recluse. But I do have memories of her helping out at the local home for the elderly
@vorpalette: Isn’t it funny the one person society expects you to be close with but your actually the furtherest away from. oooh good Idea! Simple & sweet.
@les105: Yes I have written the Il’s ones…. I’ll have to convince him to let me write a quick note on his behalf to someone he hasn’t met & hope she doesn’t smother him in hugs & tears, haha
You have all given me something to think about & some fresh angles! Thank you again!!