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@blondy: hun, i totally feel u. My mom had totally over rode what i want to do with my wedding. I wanted something simple and small.. NOOOO not my mom. Yes she is paying for the wedding,but, its my day.. I believe if your grown and paying your OWN bills, then parents should be more understand that we are grown up now,not, a 8 year old little girl anymore. this is your day and your life. Live it the way you want. Trust me they will get over it. I had to tell my mom look its my wedding and please let me pick things out and if you have a opinion about it then you can say it,but, its what i want...You only get this one chance at your perfect wedding. make it the way you want it..
My FIL's weren't thrilled when my FI and I moved in together (we were just dating then). However, the other day his mother told me we changed her mind about living together and now she thinks it's great because we've learned how to live together. So just do what you think is right and everyone else will come around :)
My fiance's mother, who was against us getting engaged a long time before we got engaged got upset when we wanted to spend a summer together as boyfriend/girlfriend (We weren't engaged yet). She totally confronted me in an intimidating way! She was lecturing me, etc. She was very very upset and offering him to come back, etc. She's Catholic. He actually ended up breaking up with me after only two weeks of living together(this was a year before we really got engaged).
However, after that I decided I didn't want to live with someone before marriage again, either.
Well, circumstances made it that a year later, he moved in with me permanently. He isn't working due to a knee surgery, he's finishing up school, and his family just moved. I actually didn't want to live together, but he had no where else to go. His family kept trying to get him to move with them....away from here!!
What's weird is now the FILs are so okay with the idea and gotten so used to it. I am so surprised that they didn't flip out when the son who is two years younger than my fiance also just moved in with his college-aged girlfriend! They don't care at all. I think that's weird since they were so against it before. I guess its always harder for the first born.
My parents were the same: they flipped out when my oldest sister lived with a boyfriend at first. But after that they were accepting/cool with it. So I think parents need some time to adjust to it.......
We're actually glad that we are living together right now, so that it won't be such a shock of adjustment when we get married. Also, to make things more special when we get married, we plan to move to another place. This time it will be a mutual move-in..... not him moving into MY place. I could use a change too! I've lived in this place for 6 years and it depresses me.
as the baby in the family my dad didn't want me to move out. He actually still askes when if I am moving home. ( I've been living with fi for about a year now) I just think that it was really scary for them to know that their daugther was moving in with her bf ( at the time ) of 7 months. But it felt right I had never moved away before because I didn't have anyone I wanted to live with. And though I know they miss me, my realationship with my parents is SOOOOO much better now that i don't live with them.
Something similar happened to me when I moved in with K about a year ago. I had a thread about it here:
http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/breaking-tradition-moving-in-before-marriage-vent
After awhile, my dad just decided to ignore that we were living together, and didn't make a fuss about it. He's still helping with the wedding here and there, and he (and my mom) will definitely be walking me down the aisle next weekend.
However, he hasn't truly accepted it and never will. Just yesterday, along with a bunch of other crabby things, he informed K and me that he isn't happy about our decision to move in together (this, a year later!), and that he'll "never be happy again." Then he said he never wanted to talk about it again (after he brought it up himself).
I used to have a lot of guilt about keeping him happy and doing whatever it meant to make that happen. I still feel bad that I've hurt him, but I've decided that doing this does not make me a bad person or daughter. Especially since he conveniently forgot that he basically agreed to us living together after engagement and decided I just blatantly disobeyed him.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think your mom will eventually "come around." She may not ever accept that you two are living together, but I hope that she will realize that you are still her daughter, that she loves you, and that she wants to be part of your wedding even if she disapproves of your moving in together. Good luck.
Thanks for all the comments.
Just an update - FI and I went on a previously planned trip to San Fran right after I told my mom. When I got back, she was more upset than before, cancelling our annual mother-daughter trip to the cottage this week.
She also yelled at me "It is NOT OK" and slammed the door in my face. In front of FI as well. Keep in mind, I am in my thirties, and I made this decision with a lot of thoughtful consideration.
Before this, she was non-committal about coming to the wedding (since it is a destination wedding in Mexico not here at home), so I think the chances of her coming now are pretty slim. My father has dementia and wouldn't be able to come no matter where it is, and my brother won't be able to come as he has no job (and hasn't been looking for one for the past 2+ years) unless we pay his way.
I guess this was more of a vent than an update...
I'm so sorry to hear you are going thru this. It really stinks that she cant just accept you are an adult and make your own choices. I have no advice for you but HUGS!
My mom was definitely upset about it at first. I basically told her "don't you want me to figure out if I can live with this person before we get married?" But my dad was ok with it, which surprised me, he said "we want you to be happy". My mom's been ok with it since we got engaged.
It sounds like there's more going on than just this in your mom's eye. Is she supportive of your relationship? It may be that your dad and his dementia are stressing her out and that this is one more added stress. Have you lived on your own before?
I think you need to sit down and talk to your mom about it. Point out you age, that you've thought about it, and finanical reasons. It might take an all out blowout (unfortunately), but it's better to have it out in the open.
@afbacher: I have not lived at home for 10+ years, including two years on my own out-of-the country. I own my own place and my FI moved in after selling his place. I have no doubt that my father's dementia is highly stressful for my mom.
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So, FI and I moved in a couple of weeks ago. He had decided to sell his condo because of the market and was originally planning on renting until the wedding, since I had mentioned I didn't want to live together until the wedding. But, I changed my mind - it felt right. Neither of us have lived with any SO's before.
I haven't been able to work up the nerve to tell my mother until tonight - problem is, my mom is quite conservative (Christian). I became agnostic a few years ago, but never discussed this with my mom because I knew it would cause a rift and really upset her. If she had asked me about it, I would have been honest about my beliefs, but it never did.
So, my mom is upset. Really upset, and I feel terrible. I am worried she might not come to the wedding in 7 months - she was already noncommittal about it because it is a destination wedding in Mexico.
I don't know what to do...