(Closed) Help! Mom very upset we moved in together…

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
7 posts
  • Wedding: May 2011

@blondy: hun, i totally feel u. My mom had totally over rode what i want to do with my wedding. I wanted something simple and small.. NOOOO not my mom. Yes she is paying for the wedding,but, its my day.. I believe if your grown and paying your OWN bills, then parents should be more understand that we are grown up now,not, a 8 year old little girl anymore. this is your day and your life. Live it the way you want. Trust me they will get over it. I had to tell my mom look its my wedding and please let me pick things out and if you have a opinion about it then you can say it,but, its what i want…You only get this one chance at your perfect wedding. make it the way you want it..

Post # 4
4547 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

My FIL’s weren’t thrilled when my Fiance and I moved in together (we were just dating then). However, the other day his mother told me we changed her mind about living together and now she thinks it’s great because we’ve learned how to live together. So just do what you think is right and everyone else will come around 🙂

Post # 5
597 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

My fiance’s mother, who was against us getting engaged a long time before we got engaged got upset when we wanted to spend a summer together as boyfriend/girlfriend (We weren’t engaged yet). She totally confronted me in an intimidating way! She was lecturing me, etc. She was very very upset and offering him to come back, etc. She’s Catholic. He actually ended up breaking up with me after only two weeks of living together(this was a year before we really got engaged). 

However, after that I decided I didn’t want to live with someone before marriage again, either.

Well, circumstances made it that a year later, he moved in with me permanently. He isn’t working due to a knee surgery, he’s finishing up school, and his family just moved. I actually didn’t want to live together, but he had no where else to go. His family kept trying to get him to move with them….away from here!!

What’s weird is now the Future In-Laws are so okay with the idea and gotten so used to it. I am so surprised that they didn’t flip out when the son who is two years younger than my fiance also just moved in with his college-aged girlfriend! They don’t care at all. I think that’s weird since they were so against it before. I guess its always harder for the first born.

My parents were the same: they flipped out when my oldest sister lived with a boyfriend at first. But after that they were accepting/cool with it.  So I think parents need some time to adjust to it…….

We’re actually glad that we are living together right now, so that it won’t be such a shock of adjustment when we get married. Also, to make things more special when we get married, we plan to move to another place. This time it will be a mutual move-in….. not him moving into MY place. I could use a change too! I’ve lived in this place for 6 years and it depresses me. 

Post # 6
645 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

as the baby in the family my dad didn’t want me to move out. He actually still askes when if I am moving home. ( I’ve been living with fi for about a year now) I just think that it was really scary for them to know that their daugther was moving in with her bf ( at the time ) of 7 months. But it felt right I had never moved away before because I didn’t have anyone I wanted to live with. And though I know they miss me, my realationship with my parents is SOOOOO much better now that i don’t live with them.

Post # 7
1347 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Something similar happened to me when I moved in with K about a year ago. I had a thread about it here:

Breaking tradition, moving in before marriage… vent.

After awhile, my dad just decided to ignore that we were living together, and didn’t make a fuss about it. He’s still helping with the wedding here and there, and he (and my mom) will definitely be walking me down the aisle next weekend.

However, he hasn’t truly accepted it and never will. Just yesterday, along with a bunch of other crabby things, he informed K and me that he isn’t happy about our decision to move in together (this, a year later!), and that he’ll “never be happy again.” Then he said he never wanted to talk about it again (after he brought it up himself).

I used to have a lot of guilt about keeping him happy and doing whatever it meant to make that happen. I still feel bad that I’ve hurt him, but I’ve decided that doing this does not make me a bad person or daughter. Especially since he conveniently forgot that he basically agreed to us living together after engagement and decided I just blatantly disobeyed him. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I think your mom will eventually “come around.” She may not ever accept that you two are living together, but I hope that she will realize that you are still her daughter, that she loves you, and that she wants to be part of your wedding even if she disapproves of your moving in together. Good luck.

Post # 9
3219 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I’m so sorry to hear you are going thru this. It really stinks that she cant just accept you are an adult and make your own choices. I have no advice for you but HUGS!

Post # 10
510 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

My mom was definitely upset about it at first. I basically told her “don’t you want me to figure out if I can live with this person before we get married?” But my dad was ok with it, which surprised me, he said “we want you to be happy”. My mom’s been ok with it since we got engaged.

Post # 11
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

It sounds like there’s more going on than just this in your mom’s eye. Is she supportive of your relationship? It may be that your dad and his dementia are stressing her out and that this is one more added stress. Have you lived on your own before?

I think you need to sit down and talk to your mom about it. Point out you age, that you’ve thought about it, and finanical reasons. It might take an all out blowout (unfortunately), but it’s better to have it out in the open.

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