(Closed) Help! My 16 year old niece is posting photos of her in sexy lingerie online

posted 5 years ago in Parenting
Post # 3
Member
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Instead of going on the offense perhaps just say something like”why do you feel the need to post those pictures of yourself? Your beautiful, you don’t need “likes” to prove that, photos like this once on the Internet can haunt you years later, for example alot of potential employers will google applicants names before picking the short list, are those the kind of photos you’d want your boss to see?”

Post # 4
Member
7796 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Yes tell her that those photos will potentially be around forever. I also read the other day about technology to search for faces on the internet. So in the future, even if the photos are anonymous, potential employers might be able to “google” her face.

Post # 5
Member
605 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

It will screw up her future job prospects and her future relationships. Decent men will get the wrong impression and be turned off. She is also opening the door to online predators.

Post # 6
Member
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’m not sure if it’s possible (financially), but why not set up a photo shoot for her with a photographer? I’m sure an hour woth of beautiful (clothed) pictures will help her to see herself as beautiful even when she’s not naked.

Having done a LOT of stupid things as a teen, I think that a lot of them were a cry for help because I was so unhappy in my life. I think that if you approach it really gently and with reasonable logic it might work. “Sally, I am suscribed to your instigram and I’m kinda worried because I see pictures that you are putting on there and I’m afraid that it might hurt you in the future. I think you have talent when you photograph (trees, bees, birds, sunsets, random food items), so I want to continue to see your pictures.”

Realistically, at 16, she likely has heard it all about men taking advantage and more. If she is like me, this will smarten her up. If she is like my sister, it will take a few more years.

ETA: If she says it makes her feel beautiful, perhaps suggest that she takes the pictures, prints them for herself only on a home printer and deletes them. If anyone hacks her computer they can access any file on it, including pictures.
 

Post # 7
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@justcurious333:  

I think this is something you need to put a stop to right away. Depending on how explicit these photos are, she could get in trouble for posting kiddie porn. There have actually been cases where girls have been arrested for posting explicit photos of themselves: http://www.winknews.com/Local-Florida/2010-08-09/Teen-arrested-after-posting-nude-pictures-of-herself-online#.UFhKo7DVOa0  and http://www.usatoday.com/tech/webguide/internetlife/2004-03-29-child-self-porn_x.htm

Personally, I don’t think it’s a big deal that she’s experimenting with what sex means to her and herself as a sexual person. I think it’s pretty normal. I think the talk you should have with her needs to be focused on how posting lingerie pics of herself on the internet is not a safe venue for that experimentation, for multiple reasons. 

Post # 8
Member
8473 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

It’s obvious why she’s doing this, like you said, her parents are very over-protective.  In this day in age, you can’t blame them, but it’s doing the opposite for this young girl. 

Just sit here down and tell her right away that you are not trying to tell her what to do.  You would like her to just listen while you explain that those photos are there for everyone to see and there is no turning back once they’re posted.  You can explain how she will soon be going to college, perhaps, or finding work, and those photos could potentially cause her more harm than good.

Explain to her why her parents are so protective.  At that age, girls just don’t understand. 

Stay away from the “don’t do this” and “don’t do that.”  Just clearly say if you choose to do “this”, then there’s a chance in “this” happening.. And you just want her to be safe.

Post # 9
Member
1714 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

You know, I was in exactly the same situation as your niece (still am) – my parents were VERY overprotective, self-esteem has gone to shit, and yes, I do like to be reminded every now and again I’m not as ugly as I think I am. Though I don’t post photos of me in lingerie as I don’t have the balls/confidence to do that but you get the point. I rebelled a LOT against my parents when I could. 

Telling her she is beautiful isn’t going to do jackshit. Trust me. She will not believe you. She will think you’re telling her that to get her to stop doing what she’s doing (which you are, but she won’t think you’re being honest). She will think you are lying to make her feel better, if she is anything like me. It’s why I’m horrendous at taking compliments. As a result, she will not listen to you regarding that. 

Self-esteem issues are very very difficult to eliminate. It won’t be as simple as just telling her ‘you’re beautiful hon, don’t do this!’. You need to emphasise how DANGEROUS it is, how some photos are simply for her eyes and her eyes only, and not to be distributed to the entire world. Tell her the dangers of sending things like that online. She might not think anything will happen to her, but believe you me a lot of others have thought that and it has ruined their lives. 

As for her feelings about herself – these will change over time. These are for HER to confront. Unless she seeks counselling or has an overnight epiphany, nothing is going to change. It’s very very very difficult. 

I speak simply from my experience. She might be exactly the same, or different, I don’t know, all I know is what you have told me.  But the emphasis needs to be on danger and how inappropriate it is – also, I don’t even think it’s LEGAL at that age there (right?)
Stay away from the self-esteem issues unless she WANTS to discuss them with you by bringing them up. It won’t be constructive at that point and time.

Also, I like the idea that a PP suggested – a photoshoot with a professional photographer can do WONDERS to the self esteem, believe you me!  

Post # 10
Member
440 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

If you’re going to have any chance of her listening to your concerns you’re going to have to play the cool aunt/friend thing. If you react like a parent she’ll react like a child.

My 15 yo sister has done something similar on fb and I’ve had to be quite direct but “on her level” about it. Bring it up in another non confronting conversation, either by text/BBM/FB chat. Give her the facts, it’s on the internet, viewable to everyone, might have implications for jobs/relationships in future etc and as I said to my sister, if you wouldn’t walk around like that in public in front of strangers, you shouldn’t do it online (that seemed to get through to my sister) As pp said also offer her incentive for nice photos if you can afford it, and even to encourage her into fashion/modeling if that is something she wants to do.

Finish the chat with letting her know as she gets old the decision she makes are going to be up to her, which will bring a great feeling of independance, but also those decision mean that you have to deal with the consequences and if she’s not willing to deal with the consequences then she should consider the action first. You are always there for her and she can talk to you if she can’t talk to her mum and dad….(as you know how much of a pain mum and dad’s are!)

Post # 11
Member
13101 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

@takemyhand:  “why not set up a photo shoot for her with a photographer? I’m sure an hour woth of beautiful (clothed) pictures will help her to see herself as beautiful even when she’s not naked.”

I think this is a really good idea.

OP – Especially because of her overprotactive parents, I think she will shut down and ignore everything you have to say if you come at this as any kind of confrontation or chastising.  Try to be more casual about it so she won’t feel so attacked.

Post # 12
Member
883 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

TELL HER PARENTS!!!

My nieces know that they can come to me with anything that they don’t want to go to their parents about.  However, I told them that if I hear/see anything that I feel their parents should be aware of, I will tell them so fast that their heads will spin.

This child needs to learn limits and what is proper and what is not. the last thing she needs is a “super cool Aunt” enabling her improper behavior.

 

 

 

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