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HELP Bees!
I asked my best friend to be my bridemaid 5 months ago. She told me just over a month ago that she is pregnant. Her due date is August 18th - and my wedding day is Sept 1st!
I knew they were going to try to have another baby (this is her 2nd) - but I was hoping if she was to get prego the baby would still be in her belly come my wedding day. (FYI: wedding is a "100% no kid policy - no matter what")
So...when she announced her pregnancy, the first thing she did was reassure me she wouldn't miss this for the world and for me not to worry. Thing is, I know she wouldn't miss this. I know in her heart she thinks she can "be there" - but all women in my life that are already Mom's say she is crazy to think she can be away from her baby for the day night.
I am going to have a sit down chat with her, and gently give her an "out" if she wants to take it. I won't be hurt at all....I just want her to be realistic and honest with herself (and me) that she wont be able to "be there" emotionally (or physically) like she think she could be. I am scared I will hurt her by even having this conversation...but I want to think and worry about this NOW...not on MY wedding day. (I envision an empty seat at my head table, because she had to sneak out to express her milk LOL) - silly example...but these are the things that could happen!
Wouldn't it be easier if she came as a guest? Then she could arrive right before the ceremony - and sneak out at anytime...and even leave early to get back to her baby...without it being any concern of me.
What should I do?? I dont want to ruffle any feathers between friends - but I want to sort this out sooner than later.
Thanks in advance bees! xoxo
I actually had this exact same thing happen but in a way totally crazier different way, and my FH 'outed' them (his stepbro & SIL)....she might greatly appreciate an 'out', but she also might be hurt. That's something only you could gauge, because we don't know her. Good luck no matter what.
If it's her second, she might be totally prepared and be hurt if you give her an out. I would definitely give her the option but realize that she might be totally prepared to be there for you on your day.
I have a newborn and if we were going to a wedding soon and it was someone close to me, I'd have DH stay in the hotel with DS and go to the wedding solo. Yes, you have to pump if you're breastfeeding but it's only every 2-3 hours and it only takes 10-20 minutes. It wouldn't leave an empty seat at a table that much longer than someone heading to the bathroom.
Our niece was 6 weeks old when we got married and she wasn't invited (my BIL & SIL wanted a night off anyway). We got married at a resort so my SIL's parents came out for the weekend and stayed in the hotel room with the baby. My SIL went back and forth to feed throughout the night. If you happen to be getting married at or within close proximity of a hotel, maybe this could be an option for you. You'd have to be patient with her and cut her some slack but if you want your friend to be beside you on your wedding day, you'll have to compromise.
Thanks SO much ladies. It really is a crazy situation to be in for sure...and you're right rachiecakes - I'm scared there is a chance I could hurt her by even THINKING of giving her an "out".
Hmmmm so stumped!!! 
Do it in a way that's making sure it's what SHE wants--You could simply say, "I'm so excited for this new baby, but I want to make sure YOU want to spend the evening away from him/her? I don't want to have that pressure on you just because of my wedding" And you will know if she is having second thoughts :) There are plenty of nice ways to do it by letting her know you're thinking of HER (even if you are thinking of yourself, you still want her to be happy and feel good!).
@andilene: You are right. Totally all in the wording fo sure!
Thanks again xo
I just wanted to present a possible alternative for you to consider. I see that you do not want to have any children at your wedding; however, a newborn infant sleeps almost all of the time, and, when a newborn cries, it is very soft relative to the cries of an older baby or child. If you decide you could live with this, you could allow your best friend to continue her role and just have her husband care for the baby during the ceremony and also the reception, except those times (about every two hours ) when the baby needs to eat. Yes, your friend definitely would need to excuse herself periodically to feed her baby, but, with people getting up to use the rest room and mingling and chatting, she likely would not be the only member of the wedding party not seated at the head table the entire time. As long as your friend would be able to remain in her spot during the ceremony and for all of the pictures in which the bridesmaids appear, and be present at the head table for most of the dinner, it should be possible for her to fulfill her role as your bridesmaid while also caring for her baby. (Also, I would not worry about other guests being upset if they see a newborn at your wedding when they were not permitted to bring their children. You would certainly have the right to make an exception -- if you wanted to -- for your best friend who is in the bridal party and who had just given birth.)
Shes a grown up right? and she's had a kid before.... I know what you're saying, but she can make her own decisions, can't she? I'd be more worried about hurting her feelings, or making her feel like you don't have confidence in her....
My MOH and Best Man are married and are expecting their first about 1.5 months before our wedding. Her sister is just coming into town for the night of the wedding and will be watching the LO. I am not worried. If this is her second, she knows what to expect and can gauge her own involvement and ablilities. If she is not concerned, you shouldn't be :)
@Brielle: This is why I said "No Kid Policy - no matter what". I do not want (nor does my fiance) even wanty the CHANCE of hearing any baby at our wedding. The newborn being at my wedding....is not an option. 
@Ms Rocky Point: Of course she's an adult, and yes she has had a child before. But that does not mean I can't have worries or concerns about my wedding day? - that is the ONE day I can be concerend about all details and wanting it to run smoothly.
Same boat as me. FSIL is due Aug 1st and our wedding is Sept 1st. She was WAY late with the first one and had to be induced so there's a good chance she will have like a 2-3 week old baby. I'm not worrying about it. I know she will be there the day of, whether she ends up needing to leave, pop out for a bit to feed or whatever it may be, I can't change it and I'm not going to deprive my new sister of time with her baby. We'll just roll with it!
It did however, put a huge wrench in the choice for bridesmaids dresses which were pretty much chosen but had to be reworked- again, not a huge deal. I went from having 1 set dress, to letting everyone pick their own as long as it was short and the same color.
There are always ways of comprimising and if she isn't your only bridesmaid, then don't worry, the others will be there to help you if she needs to step out.
I had the same issue at my wedding last fall. One of my bridesmaids had a 6 week old, but it ended up being no big deal. She was there for me at rehearsal and all day for wedding photos and the ceremony. Her mom watching the baby during rehearsal and family members held her during the ceremony and reception. It was really no big deal in the end. It was her second so maybe that's why she wasn't too upset to leave her for a few hours. I knew she was pregnant when I was choosing dresses and chose ones that would fit her nicely. Oh, and the baby didn't make a peep all day. Another BMs 3 year old did during the ceremony, but I was so nervous it didn't phase me at all ;)
@MissSawyer: The scenario you described for allowing your new SIL to be able to participate as a member of your wedding party while still being able to step away at times as needed to tend to her baby that day is exactly the scenario I was invisioning for the OP. However, the OP has reiterated that she and her FI will not allow the baby to be present at all at the wedding or the reception.
@Brielle: Actually, FSIL's baby is not going to be at my wedding either (we are also having a no children policy). So my scenerio will be the exact same. The only difference is she doesn't want to bring the baby, she told me she'd rather leave him/her with a family member. She is free to leave the venue and do what she needs. Our wedding is local and if she needs to go somewhere that's fine. She's told me she won't be leaving, she will pump enough milk beforehand so the baby can be bottle fed while she is away and that's her decision to make. I, in no way forced her or even suggested that. Truth be told I would have let her bring the baby if she wanted.
The baby doesn't necessarily need to be present for that scenario to work, it just depends how close the venue is to where the baby will be. In our case it is down the street.
@MissSawyer: Oh, Ok. I'm sorry that I misunderstood your post. Well, it sounds as if the situation is working out very well for you and your SIL, and I hope the situation works out well for the OP and her best friend, too!
I have this exact problem. My sister(MOH) and my FSIL(BM) will both have new borns on the day of my wedding. We also have/had a no kid policy, and I freaked out when I found out they were both pregnant and due within 2 weeks of each other. I tried to give them an out, but these are two important people to FI and I. Eventually I realized that I was being selfish for not wanting them to be in my wedding because of a baby (not saying that you are being selfish). I would rather have them both there babies in hand than not at all. My sister is going to leave the baby with her in laws, and my FSIL's hubby will take care of her baby at the wedding. I get that my situation is a bit different since both babies will be my neices and I wlll be completely in love with them.
This happened to me with a few of our guests. We did not want any kids at our wedding for various reasons, and 2 ladies had recently given birth. They were also OOT but really wanted to come, so they pumped milk, got another family member to watch the little ones, came for a few hours then returned home to be with their babies. Point being, if a new mom wants to make it work badly enough, she will find a way to be there for you and provide for her child.
Being that this is her 2nd child, chances are she's more prepared and knows her limits as to what's realistic and what's impossible when it comes to leaving her kid. Talk to her if you're truely nervous, but like PPs said, it's all in how you word it. Good luck! Hopefully everything works out for both of you.
@Eight6Eleven: As a Mom I just have to say this logic is beyond faulty. " if a Mom wants to make it work badly enough she will find a way to be there" Oh how you will eat those words one day if you ever become a breastfeeding Mom. Not everyone CAN pump. Some women literally can not get milk that way and breastfeeding is the only option. So by your post she must not want to be there for her friend badly enough? If my best friend wouldn't allow me, a newly post partum woman, to bring my newborn child so I could feed him/her then I'd re-evaulate my friendship.
@CallmeC: If someone has decided on no kids policy and they have a no exceptions rule, it does not make them a bad friend for not allowing their friends newborn to tag along. Not everyone is okay with the risk of a crying baby ruining certain aspects of their wedding day. I certainly wasn’t which is why we had the no kids/babies rule. If it would have come down to our niece having to be there I guess I would have dealt with it but I certainly would not have been happy about it.
I agree that assuming that pumping is possible is a rookie mistake (though fwiw, every new mom that I’ve known has never had an issue with it) but there are other alternatives for the baby, like the ones mentioned above. The bride and groom are well within their rights to request that their wedding be baby free and they shouldn’t be made to feel like shitty friends because of it.
@rachiecakes: Agreed. This isnt her first kid, she knows the drill. She knows your stance on kids being there, so if she wants to continue as a BM, let her.
@UpstateCait: The whole idea of a baby * omg gasp* ruining a wedding is kind of hilarious to me. I have never seen this sentiment anywhere other than this board. The OP is within her right to not allow kids ( even a breastfeeding newborn which is typically where most brides would make an exception) but that doesn't make what she is doing kind to her friend. Maybe I am blessed with reasonable, level headed friends, but none of us would ever say to a newly post partum friend that their newborn can take a hike because she might ruin something.
Oh the things I learn from WeddingBee...
We are also having a "no kids' wedding, but we were recently asked if my cousin's 6 month old baby could attend. I said the baby was welcome, because I've always been told that nursing infants are an exeption to the "no kids" rule. I'm not going to be creepy and ask, I'll just assume that all babies under 1 are still nursing.
I also think the whole "NO kids at my wedding!" trend is ridiculous, but I'll leave that alone. I just want to give you a little perspective... My sister was supposed to give birth just a couple of weeks before our wedding. By the time she found out she was pregnant we had already ordered her bridesmaid dress and everything. While children of all ages were absolutely welcome at our wedding, I was doing a little freakout in my mind about whether her dress would fit, whether she'd have a hard time being away from the baby, whether she'd be able to help me out in the days leading up to the wedding etc. Then 3 months before the baby was due, she delivered. He was 2 lbs. Suddenly everything I'd been worrying about seemed absolutely miniscule. Her only son, my nephew, was fighting for his life. I didn't care anymore about whether she fit in a dress. I didn't care if he screamed and cried all night, I just prayed that this baby would make it to my wedding. He did make it, and he didn't "ruin" a minute of it.
I realize I'm not giving you what you want to hear. I'm just asking you to stop and put your wedding day into perspective. I'm sure I'll get a lot of crap over this, I just wanted to share my experience with you. I'm not saying you need to allow an exception to your "no children" rule, just please please be sensitive to your friend and try to remember that although it's "your day" and it's a big day, it's still just a day.
@OrangeWeddingBliss: I can understand why you are stressed about this, and I definitely think you should talk to your BM about this.
I had kind of a similar situation with my MOH, who found out she is pregnant and would be having the baby right around my wedding. I guess my reaction was different from yours because I still really wanted her to be in the wedding, and left the decision up to her. It turns out she is due 3.5 weeks before the wedding, which is a relief to me, because it means she will definitely be able to be in the wedding. I wouldn't dream of asking her to step down because she will have a newborn baby (and we are not having kids at our wedding either). She is my friend, and I want her to be there.
I don't know really what advice to give you, other than you need to talk to your BM in a way that she is not going to be hurt. Best of luck. I hope the conversation goes well for you.
OP- I think it is all in the delivery with this one. The way you described you would handle it sounds really good. I think with a second baby though that moms are more prepared! She will have her milk stored for the day/night, have a sitter in place etc etc. Yes, she might check on her baby..but I would check on my daughter and she is 4! I think the fact that when she announced that she was preggers that she took the time to comfort you says a lot. It sounds like she is ready for the responsibility of being your BM
@CallmeC: You're welcome to your opinion and we're welcome to ours. The OP shouldn't have to make concessions on her wedding day if she and her FI had their heart set on "no kids (including babies)". If she doesn't want children or babies there then the parents need to respect her wishes and make other arrangements for their kids. Plain and simple.
We had a handful of guests with small children and not a single one questioned or complained about our decision. Those who couldn't find childcare didn't come and those who wouldn't have missed it for the world made other arrangements because they respected our wishes (and were looking forward to a night off anyway).
For what it's worth, I am a FANTASTIC friend and I think it's shitty that you would imply that those of us who asked our friends to leave their children at home are not. When it's not your wedding, you don't really get a say in what other people decide. I loved my childfree wedding and if I had to do it again, I wouldn't change a thing. Maybe that makes me an asshole to some but I guess it's a good thing that were strangers on the internet and I don't really care what they think.
@swanks4tw: It's great that you were cool with your sister bringing her baby but that's not what this thread is about. The OP had made it clear that there are no exceptions. There's really no need to try to persuade her and make her feel bad for her decision.
@UpstateCait: Totally agree. It's pretty sad and a bit petty to make a snide comment about how thankful you are to have "reasonable, level-headed" friends. Really, REALLy rude and uncessary. Maybe she could also learn from WeddingBee that half of the battle of kids at weddings is parents who don't care or enforce good and respectful behavior of their children anywhere, let alone weddings. Maybe that would help clear up why some of us wouldn't want children who aren't disciplined at our weddings. I realize that doesn't apply to babies but I think it's perfectly reasonable and level-headed to want a child and--especially--baby free wedding. It's your wedding. Why wouldn't you want a wedding free of infants who, yes, may cry, but also may pose as a reason for people to turn their attention elsewhere.
For what it's worth, OP. I am totally terrible at confrontation of any kind, no matter how neutral or heated, and conversations like this would make me so uncomfortable. I agree with PP's who say it would all be in the delivery. Obviously you feel strongly that you'd love to have her there, but you really don't want her to feel overextended. Be sincere. Don't falter on your wishes (i.e.: no children), but make sure she knows whatever she chooses has your fulls support, but plead that she understands where you may be coming from.
It's sounds like to me u just want more reassurance that she will be there, but that fact that she came and spoke to u means she cares a lot about u and took the time to already reassure you. If she wanted out she would have told u. And since u alreay spoke about it, I think it would hurt her feelings to have u question what she already told u. She is a grown women and has had kids befoe. Leave it be.
@swanks4tw: Thank you for sharing this.
@UpstateCait: I dont know if swanks was trying to make OP feel bad. Although there are no exceptions, it is really tricky to do that to someone when they have a baby on the way. As much as we would like to, sometimes there are things in life that cannot be controlled or planned. Babies and when they are delivered is one of those things. I think swanks gave a nice description of the alternative. It's always good to hear from the other side of a situation just in case.
OP, If you want no children at your wedding and you are worried about this bridesmaid, then just gently ask if she is comfortable leaving the newborn for the wedding...if she says she is not, then you could ask her if she would be more comfortable not having to be a bridesmaid...but just be careful in your delivery. I know that some people could get very hurt by this. She's going through a big life change and so are you, so as long as you both are respectful of what each other has going on (weddings and babies are a big deal!) I think you both can come to a mutual decision as to what would be best for her baby/your big day.
@UpstateCait: Like you said you are welcome to your opinion and I am welcome to mine. I think it is ridiculous that this site keeps harping on about babies ruining weddings. I ( along with plenty of other people who PMed me saying THANKS for saying it ) think it so I said it. I don't care what other people do, I won't be at your wedding so no skin off my back. As a Mom who breasfed and couldn't pump I felt my view point was one worth sharing. If it makes even one Bride say " Hm maybe I should make an exception for BFing infants" then it was well worth it.
For me, it comes down to how important it is for the OP to have her best friend there.
Disclaimer: I'm planning a pretty low-key wedding so perhaps I don't understand the full logistics of being a BM/MOH in terms of having a newborn there as well, vs. having the baby "local".
A breastfeeding baby often needs to eat every 2-3 hours, sometimes every hour, so I can't imagine that a mom can realistically "pop out" and "pop back" after taking an hour to feed the baby and then return to the wedding.....I don't know, just seems crazy to me. The other option is to pump and bottle feed, but that may not be possible (for several reasons) or acceptable (to give such a young baby an artificial nipple).
I cant help rolling my eyes when I see/hear brides-to-be describe their close friends or relatives getting pregnant as a "problem".
This is not a "problem". If she wants to be at the wedding, she will be. If she can't, she'll let you know, and back out. I don't understand how this is a "problem"... and its certainly not something that needs to be figured out 8 months before the wedding.
Yeah my bridesmaid had a two month old when she was in my wedding. She was glad to be out without the baby. She also went to a wedding all day the month before that when the baby was only a few weeks old. Don't assume she can't handle it. Plus won't her DH or baby daddy (whatever) be with the baby during the day? She can always leave the reception on the early side too. One of my bridesmaids dipped out shortly after dinner because there was a problem with one of the kids. Which was fine. You'll have so many people to talk to that you'll hardly notice one of them missing.
Agree with PPs. Even though I don't really understand the "no babies, not even newborns" trend, it shouldn't be a huge issue if she has to sneak out to breastfeed the baby or express her milk every now and then. An empty seat at the head table is no big deal for half an hour, especially if you inform your photographer that you want lots of pictures when it's a full table in case she needs to slip away. But, if pictures of a full head table are important, please do tell your photographer to take the chance as soon as he sees all of your beautiful ladies at the table with you!
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