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I would have her be a flowergirl. She probably really wants to be one. Your brother wants her to be one.
you're sister's kids were always there for you? Come on, they're kids. The other one is annoying and whines? She's a kid.
Do what you feel is right? Your picking flowergirls. Not standing up for equality.
Make your brother and a little girl happy. You said how he was always there for you.
I don't think the other flowergirls are thinking about "the honor you've bestowed on them", they're excited about the wedding and the pretty dresses. When I asked mine, the first thing they asked was if they could wear a tiara!
I'm in a similar situation--my 2 sisters have kids, and I have 2 nieces and a nephew. When my sister got married again last year, both little girls were flower girls--they loved it (of course), and now everyone is asking if they can be MY flower girls too...
Like you, I'm having a simple, casual ceremony. Flower girls just don't really work. So, I've nicely but firmly told my sisters that their daughters won't be flower girls. Instead, we're just going to buy them pretty, fun dresses to wear to the wedding--it's what they want most anyway!
So...do you think you might be able to give your other niece some other option? Like tell her she can wear a pretty dress, or that she'll hand out programs, or give out flower petals at the end of the night? And, if none of those ideas work, you should definitely just tell your brother the truth--but be kind. Tell him that you never really wanted 2 flower girls, and you're very sorry, but it would just be too hard to incorporate into your wedding.
Good luck!
hmmmm...how old are the kids? i may be easier to get one to walk down if she can hold the other's hand or they can do it together...it may work out better. Are you sure you just dont want to ask because the kid is a cry-baby? I hate to say it (because it really irritates me when people try to force crap on the bride), but I dont think this is a battle worth fighting...
I second the poster above who said just let her be the flower girl. We have three bridesmaids, three groomsmen, two flower girls, and a ring bearer.
She's just a child and can't help it if she's whiny or a brat, that's how kids are. If it means that much to your brother, I'd just let her do it. Just look at it this way- she walks down the aisle and gets to feel special, but it doesn't make a big difference in your day.
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I understand your wish to keep your bridal party simple, but while the kids are part of the wedding party, choosing a flowergirl is not the same as choosing bridesmaids or a MOH. It's not like she's part of your bridal shower or bachelorette party - she's not responsible for anything but looking pretty, behaving, and walking in a straight line. Yes, it is an honor to be in the bridal party, but this child isn't thinking about that, and even if you explained it to her, she wouldn't underestand that concept. All she will know is that you didn't choose her, but you chose her cousin, and she will be hurt. She will sense that you don't like her, and she most likely won't know why. If she really wants to be a flowergirl, I would allow her to do it, if only to preserve your relationship with her brother - if his daughter is hurt, he will be too, and he will instinctively protect her, even if it means straining his relationship with you a little.
If you REALLY don't want two flower girls, UrbanLeo's suggestion to give her another task (or even to buy her a special dress to make her stand out) might do a lot to make her feel included. But for the sake of family dynamics, don't exclude her.
if it meant that much to my brother id do it. two flower girls will be cute :)
How old is this little girl?? You keep saying she bugged you...is she three? Five? I think in this instance...you're rejecting a kid who's personality isn't even developed yet. And while you may be closer to the other kids, will it make a difference to have two flower girls? Not really. It really raises a flag that you are excluding her, and it's obvious to all the adults, and it is certain to ruffle feathers. (I would be outright offended if I was always there for you, and you don't want my daughter to have 5 minutes in your wedding because...she's whiny? Seriously?) Even if she was a candidate for Nanny 911, she's just a kid, your brother's kid, and I have no idea what would posses you to exclude her from walking down the aisle for 30 seconds with a basket.
My nephew has been worked into the bridal party even though he's a spoiled snot. But in 16 years if he's looking at our wedding photos, I want him to smile and say "I was in my aunt's wedding" not "I remember Dad was so pissed my aunt wouldn't let me be in the wedding." This is a decision that will be remembered and brought up...I wouldn't make the wrong call on this.
I definitely agree with all the above posters that it'd be wrong to exclude the child entirely. My brother and sister are among the whiniest, brattiest kids I've ever met (seriously, the whole family talks behind my stepmom's back about how badly behaved they've always been), but they're included in my wedding because it's important to them, to my dad, and in the long run, to me.
One thing you may not have thought about, tho I guess I don't know if you'd bother to care, is that something like this could seriously affect her for a long time. Little things can really profoundly affect kids. Something that seems pretty minor to you, a passing comment, or leaving her out of your wedding, could leave serious scars. It sounds like I'm being melodramatic and all, but seriously, she could wind up struggling with rejection and inferiority for years, over something that shouldn't matter that much to you, based on the reasoning you've given. Some kids might not care, but I know I would have been *devastated* if I was left out of my aunt's wedding while my cousin got to be in it. And maybe some kids would have forgotten a month later, but I wouldn't have. I don't think it's worth the strain on your relationship with family members (and I can guarantee it won't just be your brother who winds up feeling upset), or the hurt you'll be doing this kid, for the sake of "she bugs me."
Not to mention, as was pointed out above, having two flower girls really betters your odds that they'll actually go down the aisle like they're supposed to. Even the most outgoing kid in the world can freeze up with that many people watching them, having someone's hand to hold may be a good thing.
I really, really, really don't think this is a hill worth dying on. Your brother is obviously important to you, don't screw that up for no good reason.
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This is a tough situation, but for the sake of family harmony I think you should include the child. If she is whiny and spoiled, that will reflect poorly on her parents, not upon you since all of your guests will understand that you had to include her in your wedding.
Also, if you do decide to have her in the wedding PLEASE do so with good grace. Don't make anyone feel like you're just doing it to make your brother happy, *especially* your niece. It would be worse, by far, to let her be in it but make everyone feel horrible about it than to just politely leave her out. Just... try to handle it in a mature way, no matter what you decide, ok?
hmmmm, even my own mother never wanted to stay and help babysit my brother's kids for this same exact reason
hmmmmmmmmmm
thanks for all your comments
Wow. You're really going to choose one niece over the other because you like one CHILD more than the other? Basically it's like you're choosing your sister over your brother. It's just awful in my opinion. This little girl could grow up to be a wonderful adult. I'm under the impression she's under 10? Probably 5? I simply don't think it's appropriate to play favors in this situation.
I think your brother will resent you for this. You are siblings, after all, and it's not as if he's estranged.
I think you need to be the adult and let it slide. They're only going to be in pictures in their frilly little dresses. If she acts up, your brother can take her out of the room. What is she possibly going to do worse as a flower girl versus a regular guest? Poor attitudes reflect on the parent, anwyays, so maybe your brother can have a little talk with her about being good. She might throw more of a tantrum if she isn't included. And I'm betting she will grow out of the behavior.
She just walks out and throws rose petals.....that's IT. Are you really going to notice her? No, I don't think so. I think you should greatly reconsider, even if just as a favor to your brother. And I think it's perfectly OK for siblings to ask favors of the bride 
I think it's really important for everyone who is important to the bride and groom to know how important they are to them on the wedding day. You are asking for their support as you make this huge decision to get married, and they likewise need to feel like you support and love them back. It sounds like your brother is really important to you. Imagine how important his daughter is to him. Can you imagine how excited she is for your wedding? Is this the first wedding she's been to as a little girl? Also, how will she feel if her cousin is a flower girl but she isn't? Little kids don't "get" these decisions in the same way that adults do (or should). I think that if your family is important to you, you need to find a way to incorporate her in the wedding. If you are worried about her acting up during the ceremony, maybe ask your brother and your sister to sit with their daughters in the front row after they walk down the aisle.
Well give us a little more info then. Again, how old is she? What are the details of the brattiness, that your mom won't even babysit?
Based on what you have said, I also agree that she should be in it. It's not like dealing with adults. It would be one thing if you didn't have any flower girls. But if you have one, I think you should have the other, especially since your brother is special to you. This girl might have insecurities, as it is. So this could add to them. (And she is your neice. You can't help it if you love the other girl more, but it would be breaking a cardinal rule to make that obvious to everyone.) I know your sister adivsed you to stick to your guns. But easy for her to say, her daughter is in the wedding. Instead, ask her how she'd feel if you ask the other niece instead of her daughter.
OK, so if you really feel like she will be a brat walking down the aisle, set up something concrete with your brother. Tell him OK, but these are your concerns as to why you hesitated at first. Then say, if she has a tantrum in the middle of the aisle, he will simply walk to her, pick her up, and carry her out of the church. Try to have "incentives" for her doing a good job, waiting for her at the end of the aisle. And tell your brother that if she kicks off at any point during the ceremony, he will immediately take her out of the church. (Or wherever you're having your ceremony.) And maybe your brother and wife can really work with her on behaving properly, since having her do that at the wedding will mean 1, that he'd have to miss the ceremony if she misbehaves, and 2. it will be embarrassing to them (moreso than you) if she misbehaves in front of the whole family.
One more vote for letting her be a second flower girl. She's just a kid, and it will make her and your brother happy, whereas excluding her could cause real ramifications for a long time for reasons others have stated.
I agree, more information would be really helpful! If your niece has a history of bad behavior and you think she just can't handle being a flower girl, I'm in total sympathy. Can you think of a specific incident where she behaved badly, that makes you think she might spoil your ceremony? If you can, be honest with your brother and tell him "I want to make you guys happy, but I'm really nervous about making Mary a flower girl because of the time that X happened." (How old is your brother's daughter, btw? How old is your sister's daughter?)
If it's just general brattiness, though, and you can't think of anything specific that she did to justify not trusting her, I agree with those who've said that you may be judging her a little harshly (unless she's like 10 or 12 or something). Kids go through those phases, and usually grow out of it. And while I agree that it's not exactly proper etiquette to ask to be in someone's wedding party, I think your brother is just excited, loves you, and wants his family to be part of your day -- so try to see this as a positive thing instead of a huge insult to you.
One last idea -- if you really really really don't want her as a FG, could you have the florist make her a special basket or a crown of flowers to wear? That way you're including her in some of the fun stuff without giving her the responsibility of walking down the aisle.
I tend to agree with the other posters, and your best bet would just be to include her. Though more information would be helpful too. I can kind of relate to this situation.
I picked one of my cousins to be a flower girl (age 7) and even though I have another cousin of the same age, I'm only having the one. At first I felt bad, but I'm so close to the FG! Even if she is a kid. I"ve been babysitting her and her brother (the ring bearer) since they were each infants and my FI has been coming along with me ever since we started dating - they're practically practice children for us! I love my other little kid cousins too, but we just don't have the same relationship that we do with these two. That might sound horrible, but it's just the way it is.
You must not be telling us the whole story. The way you've described your niece and your comments about her make you seem like the unreasonable one. I agree with most of the other posters - without specifics about your niece's behavior, it's hard for us to agree with your decision to exclude her and her family from being a part of your bridal party, because it sounds like you are penalizing her for simply being a kid.
I think ejs4y8 said it well - you need to be an adult about this. According to your profile, you are 38 years old. At that age, for you to decide to commit actions that you know will hurt the feelings of a child under 10, who has done nothing to you but be a typical child, is unconscionable, not to mention your supposedly good relationship with your brother/her father.
Your post does come off a bit emotional, but I also think we're probably not getting the entire story. I do understand being annoyed that you're getting pressure from your brother to make his daughter your flower girl. He's put you in a really awkward situation and he should have trusted you to make the decision you felt was best for your wedding.
I understand what a lot of people are saying about keeping the family peace and making a little girl happy by allowing her to be in your wedding, but my cousin was in almost the exact same situation as you. She asked her sister's daughter to be her flower girl, but they didn't ask his brother's daughter, for a couple of reasons. One, they only had a MOH and a best man because it was a small wedding and small bridal party, so having multiple flower girls felt a bit off to them. Although that's not really reason enough to potential hurt a little girl's feelings, the brother's daughter was also an absolute terror, which children can be, although in this case it was the result of extreme spoiling. It's one thing to have a flower girl you expect will cry while walking down the aisle; it's another thing to have a flower girl you expect will push the other girl down and run screaming down the aisle.
They bought the girl a pretty dress and asked her to pass out the bubbles. She was beyond elated and she didn't cause a distraction during the ceremony. She was a nightmare during the reception, but at least my cousin got a peaceful ceremony with the people she wanted around her. Everyone was happy with this plan - you may consider something similar and make the call if it's what's best for everyone. Good luck!
First of all, I think everyone is being a bit harsh to this girl. Obviously, we do not know the whole story and we are not in her shoes. Honestly, please think about how you are coming across before you write a response. (I know, I know, you are just being honest and she asked for our opinion. I would not want to be on the other end of some of the snarky comments made here and I doubt you would).
ilovenycmissie, can we have a bit more information? How old are the 2 girls? Where do they live in proximity to you? What are some of the behaviors your brothers daughter has shown in the past to make you and your mother not "like" her and your sister to laugh and tell you to stick to your guns? I think this is all important info to know before we can tell you to ask her or stick to just the one.
I agree, though, that this may not be that big of an issue to cause a fight and possible hurt feelings over. There are things I am giving in on (my mom wants to add 10 more COUPLES to our guest list and we are 2 months out from the wedding! She swears they won't come...yeah right!) as to not make people upset. But if you feel it will be a big issue, then you need to do what is best for you. I do like the idea of giving her an incentive or another important job to do.
I sort of understand your situation. My FI has a very controlling, manipulative sister. Everything has to be her way and she always plays the martyr. Well, we were on vacation with all his family a few days after we got engaged. We asked her youngest (will be 7 @ the wedding) to be our flower girl while we were there (wanted to do it in person). We were completely undecided on the rest of our bridal party, when, where, etc. At dinner one night his sister asks him, "so are you going to ask D (her 11 year old son) to be the ring bearer or is one of K's cousins going to get to do that?" My FI looks at her with annoyance and says "yeah. we don't know yet." In this case, he is way to old to be a ring bearer (IMOP) and we were just not sure what we were going to do.
Please give us some more info. Maybe you will be able to come up with an idea that makes all parties involved happy!
I don't like this pressure either. My Mother and cousin have been putting some pressure on me to have a flowergirl but my FI and I don't really want childern involved at all, not even at the reception. My FMIL thinks that having a flowergirl takes away from the bride because everyone is going on about how cute the little flowergirl is. I really don't know what to do. I know my cousin would be pissed if I didn't ask her daughter to be a flowergirl.
I would say let her be a flower girl. It sounds like you have a really close relationship with your brother and by letting his little girl be in the wedding you show him your respect for this relationship.
My four year old niece who was in our wedding as a flower girl, is in my opinion a terror. She was the most angelic child I have seen and had more fun then she may be able to remember. She was the highlight of our night.
I think you will be impressed with how little girls will behave once they are in an adorable dress and ready to be the center of attention on their 30 second walk down the aisle.
I'd say just let her be flower girl too- it would be super cute as well and won't cost much more at all. us modern brides can throw traditional roles out the window- why not have two flower girls or uneven amount of bridesmaids to groomsmen. Have fun and roll with it.
it'll work out ! :)
Ok. Mom here chiming in. I think there's enough wiggle room for two flowergirls!
and ill-behaved kids are the result of parenting usually. So give the little one a break. She might morph into the most gracious flowergirl ever!
Have you been on Amazon and seen the fabulous books for little girls who are to become flower girls? It not only tell them the expectations of "the job" but imho, would make any little girl feel flattered and very very special of her role in the family and in the wedding.
ok, I solved my dilemma, all my nephews and nieces below the age of 10 will be flowergirls and ringbearers so no one is left out
I have a feeling they'll be wandering off the aisle
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Mr brother called me up, he wanted to ask a big favor, he wants his daughter to be my flower girl too. I love my brother and he's been a great brother to me and took care of me and my sister when my dad divorced my mom, I already made my sister's daughter flowergirl and I have a very simple wedding party.
Much as I am grateful to my brother for being there for me I have to say I've always found his daughter to be a little annoying, when she was smaller she'd cried a lot and whined a lot, it bugged the heck out of me; even last year my sister-in-law was pushing her to be my flowergirl I hadnt even asked and never wanted her to be my flowergirl, and to be honest I love my sister's kids more they were there for me when I lived in the city and I saw them grow up.
I think when you ask someone to be in your party it is an honor that is bestowed, you dont force the bride to take a flowergirl, it is a gift given to you and thats what bugs me even more; they asked for the honor it wasnt given.and it wasnt intended
I told my sister, she laughed, and said stick to my guns I have to do what I feel is right, its a tough one. When my sister and brother got marrried they didnt have any nieces or nephews as flowergirls or ringbearer, they werent even born yet, so why should I be forced?
help!!!!!!
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