(Closed) Help! My FILs won’t invite anyone to our wedding!

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What should I do?
    Address the issue with your FMIL and fiance : (35 votes)
    65 %
    Let it go - you're saving money! : (11 votes)
    20 %
    Send Annoucements instead - they can still keep their privacy but let friends know : (8 votes)
    15 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    908 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2009

    What does your FH think?  Will he be hurt that most of his family won’t be there?  If it doesn’t bother him, I guess you should let it go and start adding people from your "B-list" if you have one.

    If your FH has a problem with this, he really needs to be the one to discuss it with his parents.

    Post # 4
    Member
    2725 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2009

    Wow, that’s tough. Can you fiance maybe talk to your inlaws? Are they worried about the rest of the family being unsupportive? I wouldn’t think that anyone would even bring it up at a wedding. I would try one more shot at talking to them and if that doesn’t work, I would just send an announcement afterward and be done with it. It’s obviously hurting them and you don’t want push too much. But you also don’t want to make plans and then have them change their minds later after things have settled down.

    Post # 6
    Member
    672 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2009

    Yikes, I didn’t really know how to vote.  I’d be surprised too!  That seems silly that they’d want to cut themselves off from everybody, how sad.  But I think your FI should be talking to his family on this.  If he isn’t bothered by having his relatives there though, then eh, what can you do?  You can’t convince him to care and they seem really upset and concerned with not having any relatives.  Better just hope they’re sure, I guess.  They can’t have a change of heart a month before the wedding date and then expect that all those people get invited.

    Post # 7
    Member
    168 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2009

    I understand their desire for privacy during this difficult time, but their somewhat odd manner of dealing with the sister’s divorce is having a huge impact on your wedding. Won’t his entire extended family wonder why they weren’t invited to your wedding? I would think there would be a lot of hurt feelings and if they don’t know about the divorce now, they’ll likely find out when they start snooping around because none of them were invited to the wedding. I really think your FI needs to talk to his family about this because it seems like you’re asking for trouble if you don’t invite anyone from his side. I’m also thinking FI and the in-laws will regret this later on down the road when everything blows over and they are in communication with the family again.

    Post # 8
    Member
    19 posts
    Newbee

    It’s not your fault your future sil is getting divorced, this day is about you and your fi so enjoy it.  It will get out eventually and your fi family will be upset they still weren’t invited. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    380 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    did you book your particular venue to accomodate the amount of people you were having from your side and his side of the family? Did you pay more for your venue to accomodate this or have a minimum based on the original number you had in your head? If so, then I would chat with FI about how it will affect you budget or amount of money you’ll spend (especially if you have a minimum to meet and not enough people). If there is no affect on that and FI doesn’t care either way if those members if his family are there then don’t worry too much about it and invite those people you wish you could have put on the list and hadn’t.

    it is unfortunate that your FIL’s are acting this way but as long as it doesn’t affect you and your FI on a negative manner, when hif family hears about the wedding they will go to his parents and ask why they were not invited and your FIL’s will have to explain. As long as they don’t place the blame on you..

    Post # 10
    Member
    2030 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: December 1969

    That’s just bizarre! I say it’s YOUR party and YOU can invite anyone you want. Go ahead and invite FI’s family and let them decide whether or not to come. MIL needs to get over herself.

    Post # 11
    Member
    349 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2009

    Yikes. Well it seems like you have a lot of great input already, but I’ll stress that your fiance should really be the one dealing with this. Honestly, this would bother me. Mostly because a wedding is also about two families coming together. I think that his side of the family would be hurt to not receive an invitation. I understand the sister would probably not want to make a public appearance during a divorce, but honestly, everyone should be able to put aside any difference for one day, especially when this divorce has nothing to do with the two of you.

    Perhaps have your fiance explain to his parents that a wedding only happens once. Do they really want to be that stubborn and have so many people miss your one day over something that’s no one else’s business? Is it an option to just ask your fiance for a guest list (it’ll probably be less than 75-100 people, but you can at least get some family in there). Unless your parents are contributing financially, they don’t really have a say over the guest list, and if the continue to be upset over it, and (worst case scenario) miss your wedding over something like this, then that’s their problem.

    I’m curious what the sister has to say. I’d be so embarassed if people rearranged their wedding over my own personal marriage woes!

    Post # 12
    Member
    2470 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    Ummm… do they not think that people won’t eventually find out about the SIL’s divorce? I think its a little rude that they don’t want the family to share in a joyous occasion. I voted "send an announcement" because ultimately it should be up to them how you go about inviting their half but I think its a little strange they dont want the family there.

    Post # 13
    Member
    469 posts
    Helper bee

    I personally don’t think it’s fair to you. His sister got to have her wedding with her family and it is sad that it hasn’t worked out. That shouldn’t affect your wedding in anyway. Her divorce probably wouldn’t even be noticed. People are there to celebrate you and your FH’s love!

    Post # 14
    Member
    1023 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    Actually I think their desire to not invite extended family should not take precedence. Its your wedding! I think not inviting them will cause a great tizzy, especially if they (his extended family) eventually find out why. It’s kind of petty, no?

    Post # 15
    Member
    193 posts
    Blushing bee

    Personally, I think the guest list should be up to you and your fiance and not regulated by anyone’s family. However, the fact that he doesn’t seem to care might mean that it’s better to just drop it. Then again, there’s the venue to consider, and also the fact that hiding away isn’t going to help your fiance’s family keep their secret for very long. Weddings aren’t the place to hash out family business – by which I mean it’s out of line for them to tell you whom you can and cannot invite (and equally, that it would be inappropriate to make your day about his sister’s divorce… which is kind of what it amounts to when the guest list is slashed in half because of it).

    It’s kind of a bizarre situation. Good luck. I hope it works out for you, and that his family comes to their senses.

    Post # 16
    Member
    54 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    My first reaction was that if your FI doesn’t care if the family is there, then I guess he is not that close to his relatives.  However, we were on the fence about inviting some of my FIs family that live on the other side of the country b/c he had only met them once when he was a kid.  But we sent them an invite anyway, and most of them are very excited and are hoping to come.  

     I got a few addresses from my FILs, but also found peoples addresses on the internet (and then confirmed them with the FILs).  If the FILs won’t cooperate, can you at least get your FI to make a list or does he have an aunt or cousin that would be helpful?   Also, how does the FSIL feel about this?  

     On the otherhand, if it is 95% your side my only advice would be to NOT designate "sides" for the ceremony seating.  I went to a wedding in New Orleans where the bride and 200 of their closest family and friends live, and maybe 40 of the grooms family and friends from NC came.  The church looked ridiculous having one side at capacity and the other side sparse.

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