Post # 1
I need some advice because I am at a loss as to help her. I apologize in advance for the length of this post.
My friend will call her C has been madly in love with a guy I will call X since they were in college. They never dated but apparently she was in love with him. C started dating someone else and X married a mutual friend of theirs and they had a child a year after C started dating the douchebag. C was in a really bad relationship with this guy who abused her and it took us sometime to get her to a safe place. She literally disappeared over night when she was dating this horrible person and he was basically holding her hostage. So X like the rest of us were unable to get in contact with until she got the courage up to call us.
So X has been calling her since she is now free of this other guy and saying he loves her and that he would have never married his current wife had he known that C loved him so much. He complains that his wife is a bitch and is a total control freak. So for about a year now he calls her every time he is bored with his wife or things arent going right in his marriage. This is my opinion of course but I cant get her to see it. He is using C’s feelings against her to maintain contact. He tells her things like if I wasnt married I would be with you in a heartbeat and wishes he had a child with her. Mind you C wants a child so bad she literally cries at the sight of new babies.
When I tell C that what he is doing is dishonest and he is being unfaithful she points out that they arent sleeping together and its just calls. I said its emotional cheating. She says but he loves me and I cant leave him while he is going through so much he needs me.
I have tried to explain it using myself and Fiance in the equation and she gets that its wrong there but her heart keeps overruling her head.
I have recommended books, He’s just not that into you.
Books by Dr. Phil. I have tried to explain that he is using her and he has no real intention of ever leaving his wife and that if he did could she ever trust him. I think I get through to her and then he calls and tells her that Im just jealous of their relationship and I dont want her to steal my thunder because Im planning a wedding. He has said that when he proposes to her its going to be the biggest thing ever and everyone including me is going to be jealous of her so expect that people are going to warn her against him.
Its crazy. A little more backstory is that she suffered an anyeurism ( sorry for the spelling ) when she was an adolescent and her parents sheltered her horribly. They have taught her that all people are good people because they didnt want to scare her. Now she thinks all people are nice. Even those who are genuinely a danger and she believes they are just misunderstood.
We were in a bar one night and a guy was being aggressive and she had no clue that he was a threat to her.
So any advice or books I can point her too, She is already in therapy but she doesnt tell her therapist or her parents about X because she believes its no ones business.
Again I apologize for it being so long.
Post # 3
@TexasSpringBride: I wouldn’t recommend a book but perhaps a heart to heart talk to her. First of all, I’ve never been married nor do I have children but I’m in complete shock that a father suggested that he wish he’d had children with another woman than the one he shares a child with. That’s just really strange to me?! Or maybe that’s a common form of munipulation. She can’t possibly be so naive that she perceives it as okay to have a verbal relationship with a man who is married? Just talk to her. Good luck.
Post # 4
@TexasSpringBride: Oh boy…that sounds terrible…and you are a good friend, even if your friend doesn’t know it.
I’ve always been the kind of person to love and support people, even if they’re about to shoot themselves in the foot with a nailgun, but I never interfere…why you ask? Because I’m their friend, not their mother, not their guardian, not their teacher and certainly not their therapist.
I’ve found in my own experience, that the best friends, to me, weren’t the ones that told me what to do, or not to do. But the ones that stuck with me regardless, watched as all Hell broke loose, complete with the toilet backing up, the dog horking on the sofa and me running out of paper towels, then and only then, while I was sitting in the middle of my living room, crying, surrounded by all kinds of god knows what, do they show up with a smile, a shop vac and a six pack of beer to help clean it all up, get me back on my feet and ready for another round in the ring…
Your friend is headed straight for a dead end relationship where she will literally wait for Christ to come to Moscow before that man leaves his wife, and until she gets that, there’s nothing and no one that can tell her otherwise…it’s powerful attractant, being “needed” by someone so intensly…short of telling this guy’s wife what he’s really up to, there’s not a whole lot to be done, and I wouldn’t guarantee that’ll change much anyway. Odds are good his wife knows already and either doesn’t care, or is too wrapped up in his manipulation to do much about it herself….either way, she’s headed straight into the fire, stock up on extinguishers and be ready to put her out when she asks you to.
Post # 5
@Janaic88: Thanks Im trying. He actually blames her for them not being together. He has told her that if she hadnt gone off with douchebag he had intended to announce his feelings and the only reason he is married to this woman is because she was his second choice. I told her now he is disparaging his wife and child and thats not okay.
Post # 6
@nona99: Thanks Nona. I am always there to pick up the pieces. I always have been. Im also the kind of friend that pulls no punches. I cant be the friend that will lie to you and say go for it girl because I respect marriage. I cant support her choice to interfere in their marriage no matter the circumstance but I do love her dearly and I sincerely want her to find someone who is deserving of her love and attention.
Other than this she is a fantastic, caring, genuinely loving friend. She just cant let go of this guy. Its been 6 years and she still loves him like they are back in college.
Post # 7
@TexasSpringBride: Well, it’s time for him to break her heart right and proper and for her to figure out whe she left in the first place…it’s going to be REALLY painful to watch, terribly ugly and on par with a six hour autopsy with character assasination and crying…and I get not telling her, “Get in there, cause this is awesome!” I just don’t want to you waste emtional energy trying to save someone who’d rather drown just now….you take care of yourself, tell yourself this is not your area and maintain healthy boundaries because this one is a life changer for women like her.
Post # 8
At this point you’ve done all you can and the only thing you’re going to do by keeping at this issue with her is to make her feel like she can’t come to you with anything because all she gets is “lectures”. I KNOW you love her and you’re trying to help her avoid something nasty, but she needs to learn her own lessons. You’re only going to alienate her if you keep pushing. I know this because I had the same thing with a girlfriend who was in a relationship with a controlling freak. In the end she felt she had noone to turn to. Don’t do that to her. I’d recommend keeping your mouth shut and ONLY telling her that no matter what happens, you’ll be her port in a storm. It sucks seeing people hurt themselves and set themselves up for a fall (because that’s what she’s doing), but you can’t do anything about it. 🙁
Post # 9
@TexasSpringBride: You can’t control other people. Just let your thoughts be known and don’t do anything to enable the situation.
Post # 10
@mrspuddingface: Thanks. Will remember to try to be supportive. I just keep thinking of that line in the movie He’s just not that into you when all the woman’s girlfriends are telling her what she wants to hear instead of what she needs to hear. I will just listen to her and stop trying to help her with my advice.
Thanks guys. I didnt realize I was being a bad friend.
Post # 11
As somebody who has had a self distructing friend in the past, I can tell you that you have done all you can. You’ve pointed out the cold hard truth and she refuses to listen and refuses to do anything to fix herself. If I were you, I would either move on from the friendship (which is what I did) or just let the process of her bad decisions play out. Purchasing her a book on the subject is a nice thought but you’re wasting your time and money. It will either sit there gathering dust or if she reads it she will be in such self denial that she will think the material doesn’t apply to her.
Post # 12
@midnightsun: She does see the point and the hurt, but then he calls and undoes everything. For a week or so she will be fine and then he starts calling her again and its like starting at go again.
He didnt call for two whole weeks. Him and his wife and baby were out of the country on vacation and I seriously thought we were getting somewhere. Until he calls her as soon as he gets back and starts saying how horrible is wife is and no one but C understands him and that he just wishes everything could be different for them. He constantly throws it in her face that if she hadnt gone off with the douchebag he would have professed his love and she feels so guilty about it. Forget that this guy almost killed her and she fled for her life but now X keeps dropping more guilt on her about it being her fault they arent together.
It just kills me because I would like to give him a good kick in the balls.
Post # 13
Gosh he is manipulating her terribly i feel bad for her and for his current wife. If things really are that bad between him and his wife thrn he may be being genuine, but saying that he really needs to end things with his wife.
@Janaic88: People always wish that they had children with someone else other than thier ex partner. People regret thier past a lot in life.
Post # 14
@TexasSpringBride: Don’t be silly – you are NOT being a bad friend! It’s good to tell it like it is because sometimes people need to hear it! That’s a GOOD thing! You are a GOOD friend! The issue here is that you’ve told her over and over again, and she’s not listening to you. That makes her an idiot. I’m just saying that if you keep telling her your opinion over and over again, she will stop giving you the opportunity to tell her things she doesn’t want to hear. She will pull away and that will leave her with noone. She’ll figure it out eventually…..the question is whether you want her to feel like she still has you when she needs you. I kept at it with my friend and lost a friendship because of it. I don’t want you to go through the same thing. If I had just backed up and let my friend make her mistakes and just helped her pick up the pieces, we’d STILL be friends. It’s good you told her what’s up, but you can’t make her actually listen to your advice and actually take it. 😉
Post # 15
@mrspuddingface: Thanks I will start repeating that mantra in my head,
Be quiet and listen,
Be quiet and listen
Hopefully she will get over this guy but I just cant see him letting go when he has a good time girl to go to when he has problems at home.
I dont care if you do have problems at home. You do not involve a third party unless its a marriage counselor.
Post # 16
@TexasSpringBride: ugh, what a douchbag “X” is. I don’t think there is any magic for your friend until she sees the truth herself. And, at the rate “X” is going, he’s built up quite the cozy outlet. I have to believe your friend knows deep down that what she is doing is wrong (hence not telling her parents or her psychiatrist). I’d enourage her to confide about her situation in her counseling sessions and maybe spin it (if you don’t think it’s wrong, why don’t you seek another opinion in the confidential setting of therapy). For now, you are talking to a brick wall. 🙁