(Closed) help! my heart is breaking

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 6
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

How old is your son? Is he at all bothered by his father’s seeming lack of interest? Depending on your son’s age, his feelings towards his father, and his relationship with you, I think just explain to your son the situation with his father. Remind your son that you love him but it’s not up to you to explain to him why his father isn’t making an effort – that’s his father’s job. Be honest with your son and tell him that you wish his father could make more time for him, but he doesn’t seem able to and you don’t know why. Children (teenagers in particular) won’t appreciate being lied to, so just be honest!

Also, if you get along well with your son’s father, maybe try talking to him about this in more depth – perhaps he feels one phone call a month (or every 6 months) is plenty! If he’s open to it, possibly even look at setting a time for him to call his son (e.g. Mondays at 6pm, give his son a call). Failing that, your son can always call his father, can’t he? And if you’re son’s old enough to choose not to call him, then that’s his decision.

Post # 7
Member
11354 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@HisNightOwl2014:  I’m so sorry. 🙁  HUGS.

It has to hurt terribly to see how much this is hurting your son. I cannot even imagine what it must feel like to be rejected by or feel forgotten by one of my parents. 

If your son’s dad will not respond to requests from you or his current, long-term girlfriend, I’m not sure he will respond to anyone else.  What about his parents? Are they living? Do they have a relationship with your son?  Also, how old is your son? 

Post # 10
Member
233 posts
Helper bee

@HisNightOwl2014:  I haven’t been through it. I was fortunate in that my sons dad wanted to be in his life but can I just say that you sound like a wonderful caring mum and your son is lucky he has YOU.

Its admirable that you are doing so much to try and involve this man in your sons life but I think at some point you have to let him man up and take responsibility. If he doesn’t do this then it will be his loss as you will get to see your son grow up into a fine young man that you have raised,with or without his input.

In the meantime you can try and ensure that your son has lots of positive male figures in his life that he can look up to and turn to for a mans perspective or just that rough and tumble that boys need. Your FI,dad or brothers if you have any I’m sure will be more than happy to do this.

Sending best wishes your way.

Post # 11
Member
11354 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@HisNightOwl2014:  Wow. Ten. That is a tough age for him to be dealing with without his father’s presence in his life. Of course, any age would, and will, be tough for him in some ways because of this.

I know one person, a woman who is one of my very dear friends, who has really had her share of heartbreak and grief with respect to her fathers.  I used the plural form, because my friend actually has had three fathers: Her biological dad, whom she did not meet until she was like 17 or 18; her mom’s not-so-nice first husband; and her mom’s most recent husband.

My friend has been very open in talking about her “daddy issues.” They have been quite painful to her at times in her life.  However — and I don’t want to in any way offend you or your belief system, so, please forgive me if I inadvertently do this — my friend has found great healing and restoration in her life through her very close relationship with God. She loves the scripture that says that God will be a “father to the fatherless.” (Psalm 68:5, NLT.) There is another reference about how God is a “helper to the fatherless” (Psalm 10:14, NKJV), and there are more scriptures that talk about how Christians need to look out for and defend and protect the fatherless (Psalm 82:3, and Isaiah 1:17.)

My friend was finally able to begin having a close relationship with her bio dad much later in her life, but, sadly, her bio dad ended up dying about five years ago. Although she was crushed that he died so soon after she really began to be close to him, she is so thankful that God gave her the opportunity to have a good relationship with him prior to his death. Also, sadly, her mom’s second husband, whom my friend really loved like a father, died suddenly less than a year after her bio dad died. Still, despite all of her grief over these painful losses, she is thankful to have had him in her life for the years that she did.

I don’t know if you will find any of what I’ve written to be helpful. However, I hope so, and I wanted to share it. Again, many hugs!

Post # 12
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I have been there. My ex was a horrible father and would only see her when it was convenient for him. My DH becamse that father that my little one so much desired and have not heard from my ex in three years. My DH is a better man and I am so happy that he is the man she will grow up to look up to. 

Does your SO try to be that father your son needs? 

I really believe that a father is not just the one that plants the seed but the one that actually nurtures it and helps it grow. 

Post # 13
Member
2077 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I haven’t read all of the replies, but I wanted to offer you some support and tell you my story.

My father and I have a very strained relationship- My parents divorced when I was 4 and my sister was 2.  (I’d like to mention, if it matters at all, that my father is an alcoholic (now recovering), and actually spent some time in prison when I was in high school for so many DUIs.)  He acted similarly to your son’s dad, however the furthest my father lived was 3 hours away from us.  Regardless of whether he lived down the road or hours away, we would only see him 2-4 times a year for many years.  He’d call occassionally, but it was typically on the days that he was supposed to pick us up but never showed.  I remember battling with feelings of my dad not loving me for a very long time.

It’s really hard on a kid when they love their dad, but my mother did the VERY best she could to remind my sister and I that he loved us, even if he didn’t show us in the same ways she showed us.  She also let us call him whenever we wanted, though sometimes he didn’t answer or couldn’t talk.

Keep reminding your son that his dad does love him, even if he doesn’t show it sometimes.  And for the love of God, please don’t bad mouth his dad in front of him.  I thank my lucky stars my mother never did that because I’m certain it would have been a million times harder to try to form a relationship with a man that my mom outwardly hated now that I’m an adult, I can’t even imagine what it would have done to my emotional state as a kid.

I hope I’ve helped a little.  Please just remember that you’re doing the very best you can!  (((Hugs)))

Post # 14
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Gosh I am so sorry, I know it’s hard on you both. Is there another man, brother family friend who steps up for your son. If not is there anyone that you can ask to help be a father figure for him. That alone can go a long way for helping your son navigate the coming teen years. Honestly if I were you I think I would stop begging and make this the priority. Your son is now old enough to do weekly check ins with his dad. Some contact will be better for him than no contact. Good luck!

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