HELP! My husband is a mummy's boy and i can't handle it! Need advice.

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
4513 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

When you agreed to move in with her did you set any type of timeframe to move out? Or is this situation indefinite until your DH feels like leaving/she gets on her feet?

I would sit down with him and tell him that you need some type of timeframe for this arrangement. Set a date that you both agree to definitely be out by, otherwise this could go on forever. I think its nice that he wants to help his mother, but there needs to be a limit. What if she never gets back on her feet? What if she doesn’t want to because she enjoys having her son at home?

Seriously, nothing annoys me more than a mama’s boy. That is like the ultimate turn off for me. I’d get this situation under control now if I were you.

Post # 4
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

You need your own place.
ASAP, get out of that house. If mom can’t afford it, she needs a different house to live in, simple as that.

His mother will dissolve your marriage if this keeps up (because in her mind, her son is perfect and can do no wrong, you on the other hand… you’re obviously not good enough in her eyes if you’re “lucky” to have him), and if he wants to defend her over his wife then maybe you should stop being so tactful and give him a moving-out deadline.

His mom is a grown ass woman, she can cope with her grown ass son moving out of her house.

Post # 7
381 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Oh boy, moving in with her was the first mistake. Leading up to my wedding EVERYONE told me that when it came to both me an my then-FI parents we needed to set the boundaries within the first few months because that was the most crucial time in training parents to give more space. You need to get out of there quick and do some quick damage control otherwise it sounds like you’ll be living with her forever.

If I was in your situation I would sit down with my FI and be completely honest. Tell him you have no problems with his mother but that you do have a problem living in this situation where it feels like you are married to both him and his mother. Could you guys just move close to her? It sounds like you don’t mind being close.

Post # 9
4513 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@qtewitdbooty87:  1.5 years!? Yikes! I thought maybe 6 months.

Thats a hard predicament to be in. I mean, if his mother would literally be out on the street then I can see him refusing to leave right now. Because really, would you ever put your parents on the street if you could prevent that situation? I don’t know. I couldn’t do it to my mother, so to an extent I understand. That really sucks.

Post # 11
114 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Oh girl…I felt like I was reading my own life story in your first post because I’m currently dealing with a situation that’s *very* similar. Feel free to PM me.


Post # 12
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@qtewitdbooty87:  I think, as it takes some time to find a house, another 6 months. If you can’t find a HOUSE by then, you need to get an apartment.
You will feel MUCH better with a getting-out timeline, as there will be an end in sight!

And I’d reccomend not speaking with MIL too much about your moving out plans. If he’s worried that your moving out will impact her negatively (in the financial sense – emotionally, it’s something all parents must deal with) then you should give her a heads up to your timeline but NOT to any other plans (where you’ll move, how you’ll move, how much money you have to spend, and don’t accept any offers of hers to help you look/save/buy/negotiate)

He’s not in debt to her for his loans, but I am sure she makes him feel that way. I don’t know how their arrangement works, but she’s not the Bank of Mom.
If he’s paying her back, that’s all he owes her.

Like I said – if she can’t afford the house she’s in without relying on her son to pay for it, then she needs to move to a more affordable place.

And BTW – don’t get a house too close to hers.
If she’s this overbearing, and your husband is that sticky on his mom, then it’ll basically be Everybody Loves Raymond and your MIL will be over ALL the time.

FI and I are moving into MIL’s house when we get married, too. We’re doing it to save up for a house, though FI partially owns the house his mom lives in. I don’t perceive much of a mama’s boy problem (because of the way he treats his mom – kindly but firm) and he made it very clear to me that I am his #1 priority after marriage (and I expect him to keep his word).
We agreed that we’d move out ASAP but put the estimate at 2 years (yikes, I know – houses by us are $$$$!) If we get preggo (not trying), that time is cut short to moving out IMMEDIATLEY, that’s my rule and he agreed.
We’ll share a kitchen but have the entire top floor to ourselves.
If moving in with her puts a strain on our marriage (even just for me or just for him) we will move out as soon as we can – saving on rent is simply not worth putting our new marriage in jeaporady.

You have to talk to your husband, without involving his mom – this is a marriage discussion, and a major one at that.

Good luck.

Post # 13
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@adoc86:  +1. It annoys me so much too. OP, I am annoyed on your behalf! 

Honestly, knowing he was a mama’s boy I never would have agreed to move in because I’d fear we never leave. He needs to cut the apron strings and start a marital life with you. I’d express my unhappiness and say that you hope he will put his wife and her needs first. This woman will never be ready to have her son move out and lose control. 

Post # 14
1327 posts
Bumble bee

As someone who grew up in a single family, I can understand what it’s like to be really attached to a parent, having been through hell together.  But I think it’s up to him to give you what you need as a couple and new family – space and privacy.  I have trouble leaving my mom too, but it’s not fair to my SO, so I am planning to move out.  I mean, if he needs to call her every day, visit her every other weekend, Skype her nightly or whatever, that’s fine – but he needs to step up as a husband and cut the apron strings, because his mother is a grown woman and you are his life partner.

I understand that it’s extremely difficult for you to initiate/have this conversation but you need to find that inner strength to do it.  Because if you don’t ask and explicitly say that you’re unhappy, your situation is not going to improve and it will erode your marriage.  How long have you guys been living with her?

Also, why is she still paying mortgage for a place she can’t afford instead of downgrading?  If she needs to, she should sell her house and either buy a smaller place or rent an apartment.  It will take a lot of stress off everyone’s shoulders.  If she can find a place that she can afford on her own, you two can get your own place again.  Also, if her business is struggling and it’ll be hard to revive, realistically, maybe she should look into getting some kind of stress-free, relatively easy job like being an admin assistant or a receptionist.  She can make sure she has a steady income for the bills, maybe keep working on her business on the side if she doesn’t want to give it up, and if things get better, she can focus 100% on her business again.

Good luck!!!

Post # 15
779 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Has your husband ever lived separately from his mom? Why does he think she won’t be able to cope with his moving out? Have you asked him how he would feel if you expected him to live with your Dad for 1.5 years, take him on vacation with you, etc? Or how you’re going to manage to raise children together when you already have someone in your life who’s so emotionally and financially dependent on him?

If she can’t afford her mortgage without help then she could rent out a room to someone else. Or she could rent out the whole house and live in an apartment for a while until her finances are back in order. People navigate this stuff all the time without relying on their children for financial assistance.

When your MIL starts w/ the kitchen hovering, I would tell her firmly that you are an adult and perfectly capable of using the stove without supervision and you would appreciate it if she would treat you as such.

If it gets to be too much to take and your husband won’t budge on the timeframe for moving out, my advice is to get your own place to preserve your own sanity and keep your relationship with your MIL from turning sour. Your husband can join you after his 1.5 years are up.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Hope it all works out.

Post # 16
2302 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@qtewitdbooty87:  but here’s the thing – i get that she would struggle a lot if you move out – but there should be a way to get the plan in motion. 

so plan for 4 or 6 months to be totally out. that gives her time to cancel cable, change her phone plan, whatever she needs to build up a little cushion. that’s what regular people DO when they are having money troubles. they don’t guilt their children and new spouses into living there and wreck their marriages :/ 


if she needs additional income when you guys leave, she’ll need to rent out a room, get a roommate, give up her car, get a second job, sell some investments – things normal people do. 

my mum’s best friend got completely screwed in her divorce and as a 50 year old woman, rented 3 bedrooms to 3 university students. ideal? no. but she got to keep the house she’d lived in for 30 years, pay down some debt, and after two years, she didn’t need to rent it anymore. the point is – you’ve done your lot, you helped her out in her time of need, your husband pays lots to her per month for the loans (which i would also look into – when does that stop? is there any record of it being paid? how long will that go on? interest?) and now it’s time for her to come up with a solution that doesn’t involve you two

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