Post # 1
Heres the story,
My Matron of Honour is my sister in law (my brothers wife) and shes quite upset with me. I gave her free reign to pick her own dress and when she sent me a picture I realized that it was almost exactly the same as the wedding dress I had picked out (which she was there for) only in a different colour. When I expressed my thoughts about the dress she said that she was going to make a few changes like adding a belaro jacket and a pink bow/sash on the dress to make it different. After seeing the dress and thinking about the changes I decided that it would make the dress different enough and I was fine with her wearing it. I then told the best man that she would be wearing a black dress with a pink sash and asked him to buy a pink tie to match, which he agreed to. About 2 weeks later I find out that she has bought herself a new dress and that a pink sash (or tie) will no longer work with the dress. I was frustrated with her for not telling me and made a comment on facebook stating "Pulling my hair out, I thought the bride was supposed to be the pain in the a#$! Not the maid of honour!".
So, of course she saw the post and called me freaking out and has now told me she quits as Maid/Matron of Honor and might not even attend the wedding (and may try and stop my brother from attending). I felt bad for posting it, so I sent her a really nice email apologizing to her and thanking her for all the help she gave me so far and asking her to reconsider being my Maid/Matron of Honor, which she responded to refusing to forgive (or forget).
So I guess my question is, what do I do???? I know that I shouldn’t have said what I said, but am I crazy to think that she is over reacting?
Post # 3
Um, wow, I think someone else coined this but:
She totally overreacted and she SHOULD have run her purchase past your first! What a total b***c! Let her cool down about it, and maybe ask your brother to talk to her about why you posted that (i.e. you told someone else to BUY something to match her!) Maybe he knows how to get her rational again. If not, then I hope you can find a replacement for her. I bet she’ll still attend the wedding (there’s NO WAY she’s getting your brother not to go, girl please…). If she can’t forgive and forget, then you’ll just have to let it go and deal with it after the wedding. You shouldn’t have to chase someone down and force them to cooperate FOR you!
Post # 4
I think she was totally out of line buying a completely new dress without telling you (especially since you thought she’d already decided!), but I also totally sympathize with her for being angry about the post on facebook. I think people are becoming more and more acustomed to posting their entire lives on the internet, and so maybe they don’t think twice about posting things where they really should stop and think. You didn’t just say a hurtful comment to her, you said it to her for the whole world to see! That just must be so embarassing for her!
You definitely need to make peace with her, because she’s your brother’s wife, she’s not going anywhere. If you just ignore the problem, I don’t think that’s going to help. I would call or apologize in person and explain again that you were just venting and you’re aware you didn’t handle it in the right way. I wouldn’t attempt replacing her (no one wants to be on the B list for the maid of honor role), but I would explain to her that you’re sorry for your comment and that you’re really still hoping she’ll be your matron of honor, but you’ll understand if she’s uncomfortable and only wants to attend the wedding as a guest. I’m sure her initial response was just an overreaction to being embarassed and angry, and once she cools down, of course she’ll attend.
Post # 5
WOW! I hope my sister never does that to me! That being said, facebook really isnt’ the time or place to be b****ing about Maid/Matron of Honor problems. Perhaps if you simply stated “Pulling my hair out, I thought the bride was supposed to be the pain in the a#$!” and skipped the whole Maid/Matron of Honor thing she may have not known who you were talking about? Just an idea. But I do like what MightySapphire said about talking to your bro. Unless he’s as bad as his wife he WILL attend your wedding.
Post # 6
Whoa; My reaction to this is a little different than those above. While I agree she should have told you that she changed her dress; honestly I think you posting that to your Facebook is just as bad; maybe even worse. I’m not flogging you for your facebook comment; because you’ve already admitted what you did was wrong. But I can’t say I would have reacted much differently if I was in her shoes. I don’t know if I would just rashly quit as Maid/Matron of Honor but I would have made it very well known to you that your actions were very immature and really just uncalled for. Most people who know you; know who your Maid/Matron of Honor is i’m sure. That makes it really awkward for her; knowing that everyone on your FB knows your frustrated with her. It should have been talked over with only her and you should have made your frustrations known to her; not behind her “back” on facebook to everyone else. Honestly. It’s just a tie. It’s pretty easy to change. This is just my opinion. I get pretty sick of reading every detail about peoples lives on facebook. Honestly; if you needed to vent online to everyone you should have left it at “Pulling My Hair Out.” They would have got the clue you were frustrated without getting any details that would potentially hurt someone else or make someone else look stupid.
Post # 7
i think she was out of line for buying the new dress but you should have talked to her in private about it and not post it for all your facebook friends to see.
I think you need to talk to you her and your brother and apologize for what you did to make peace with the family because as much as your frustrated with her, she probably feels embarrassed for what you posted about her in such a public forum.
Post # 8
I think posting what you did was hurtful and unnecessary, but you’ve already acknowledged that and apologized to her so I’m not going to comment anymore on that.
I do however think that she is definitely overreacting. Changing a dress and not telling the bride is a huge no no. it’s your day and she’s lucky you were letting her pick her own dress, so she should never have changed it after you approved it. Especially if you decided to use that as a colour for the groomsmen.
I can’t believe she is trying to stop your brother from attending your wedding simply because you said something on facebook?! I think that’s crazy! I’m sure her feelings are hurt but that is no excuse to stop your brother from attending your wedding!
I think you guys need to sit down face to face and apologize to her there, explain to her that you were just frustrated and didn’t think before you vented where you did and that you never meant to hurt her. Hopefully she can be mature enough to accept your apology and move on from this. I think if you give her a bit of time she should calm down a bit.
Post # 9
Mistakes were made on both sides here. But a public shaming, in my book = taking the conflict to the next level. If she wanted to be the bigger person, she should have accepted your apology. But she responded as many of us might have and I can’t blame her for that (except for the brother part-yikes!) I feel like you should try to apologize thoughtfully in person to clear the air and reestablish the reasons why she is your maid of honor.
Post # 10
I agree that she should have run the purchase by you first just to make sure… but posting on facebook first was wrong. I might have reacted just the same- she was hurt and lashed out to you the only way she knew how to. The email should have been the first thing you did. Admitting that you were wrong took a lot and was the right thing to do and i think that maybe you should give her a while to clam down, she might be more open to that….
Post # 11
Honestly, I probably would have reacted the same way. I know that she was wrong for changing the dress, but if a bride complained about me online without talking to me first, I wouldn’t want to be in her wedding anymore. I also doubt that my FH would want to be in the wedding anymore either because if someone hurts me, they hurt him.
I think she may come around. I also, think that because you embrassed her publically, you should apologize publically. That may help her get over it.
I give you KUDOS for admitting you were wrong. I would call your bro and explain to him your reasoning behind doing it, and let him know that you are sorry. Let him that because she changed the dress without your permission, that it caused you to freak out because you had someone else buy something to match her dress. Also, why would she pick a dress that was so similar to yours in the first place? (Maybe that is why she changed it)
Good luck! I hope that you are able to resolve this.
Post # 12
I think she is NOT overreacting. If someone posted something like that about me on FB, why in God’s name would I want to be in her wedding (which includes spending money and effort)?
She should have told you about the dress, definitely, but posting on FB instead of talking to her was immature on your part. I think you need to speak to her in person if possible, and try to fix it.
Post # 13
What she did was wrong, but what you did was worse. A comment on FB makes everything public and that’s extremely embarrassing. Yes, you acknowledged you were wrong, but I don’t blame her for her decision. I wouldn’t want to be the Maid/Matron of Honor after someone publicly humiliated me, and now whoever is on FB that is attending the wedding will know she was the PITA. I think she’s only overreacting in the way of stopping your brother from coming.
You need to sit down and talk to her before it gets worse.
Post # 14
So I don’t think that anyone has asked this yet…but why is she your MOH? By that I mean, are you close with her? From the way that you’re talking about her, and she’s treating you it seems like someone else might have fit the bill better.
Let me start by saying, being IN the wedding means running your choices by the bride even if you’re picking something out yourself… you’re not a guest that’s trying to find a cute dress to wear to a friend’s wedding!
However here is my advice if you want to make yourself feel better and hopefully remedy the situation at the same time:
–If you are close with her- your best bet is to not email her, just continuing your technology battle, but sit down with her and tell her how much it means to you for her to be your Maid/Matron of Honor. You already apologized for the FB posting, so she needs to get over it.
-If you are not close with her- and picked her as your Maid/Matron of Honor out of some feeling of obligation; you need to find a person that’s a better fit and will ease your stress, not contribute to it. I’m iffy on how to explain this to her, but since she’s already backed out you could choose someone else, sit down with ex-MOH and say that you would love for her to attend as a guest and something like how it will take the pressure off of both of you this way. Whatever you say, you’d have a great new Maid/Matron of Honor and are just trying to put out this fire for your sake and sanity.
Post # 15
i would be hurt if someone posted a comment about me on FB but i wouldnt quit. and boy would i be super P.O.ed if she changed the dress and didnt tell me about it. you have the right to be upset at her. just facebook mmm not the place to discuss it
Post # 16
yes i think that her reaction is a lil dramatic.
but i think you were wrong to write that status on facebook – a public site where people know who she is and somewhere she had to see it and be hurt by it.
if you were upset you should’ve confronted her, not blasting it all over fb.
i say give it some time for now and talk to her in a few days. maybe both of you can get all of your frustrations out and start fresh.