Post # 1
Good Morning Bees. A little backstory. My mom moved my sister and I from the town where my dad lives when I was about 7. I didn’t see him again until I was around 12. He has never helped my mom support us financially. After I was 12, my sister and I would usually go visit him once every couple of years. After I became an adult(I’m 33 now) we had more contact via telephone and visits. He has never come to visit my sister and I here, we always visit there(4 hours South). Although we don’t have a conventional Father/Daughter relationship he is still my Dad, and he really loves me.
My sister called me last night to give me a heads up that my Mom does not want my Father to walk me down the aisle at my wedding, and that she is going to be calling me to discuss this. I knew that she would have some type of feelings about him being the one to “give me away”, so I told her that I wanted them both to walk me down. She seemed fine with that at the time. But now, according to my sister, my Mom does not want to walk down with him, and wouldn’t mind if she would just be escorted to her seat. She just doesn’t want my dad to walk me.
Bees, please help. I do NOT want to walk myself down the aisle. And I hate that if I give my mom what she wants that I’m going to have to me in the position to hurt my Father. I know this would break his heart. I don’t want to do that at all. What should I say to my mom when she calls me?
Post # 3
@Tallgirl28: The decision is not your mom’s to make. It sucks that she has been hurt by your dad so much, but you have made an effort to maintain a relationship with your dad and if you feel that he should be able to walk you down the aisle that is absolutely what should happen. If you’re looking for some kind of comprimise, maybe have him walk you half way? You can meet your mom half way down the aisle. I know people who had their step dads walk them down to their biological dad’s and it was really, really sweet. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. There’s no need for added stress to planning your wedding!
Post # 4
Be honest with her. This isn’t really a decision she gets to make. You gave her the chance to walk down with you as well and if she can’t be an adult for the 30 second walk then she can sit in her chair and watch. But it is not fair for her to ask you to walk alone because of her feelings. Mama needs to check her feelings at the door:)
Post # 5
so sorry to hear that you have to deal with this dilema. In my opinion, I don’t think it’s fair for your mother to voice her opinions on this issue. Of course she’s entitled to feel whatever way about it but I do not think she should tell you that you can’t have your father walk you down the aisle, that’s your father, doesn’t matter what she’s done for you versus what he’s done. I can relate because I was in the same situation excpet my Mom told me whatever I wanted was fine. I decided to talk to my Dad and tell him that while I would like to have him walk me down, Mom would be heartbroken and I just can’t do that do her. I asked him point blank if he understood and luckily he said he did. I had my Mom walk me down the aisle but my Dad was waiting for us at the end of the aisle. He then stood on the opposite side of my Mom, shook hands with FI and helped give me away. Maybe your Mom would be ok with something like this?
Post # 6
@Tallgirl28: If you insist on having someone walk you down the aisle, why wouldn’t it be the person that actually raised and supported you your whole life?
At the end of the day, I’m a strong advocate for doing what you want on your day. But I’d tread carefully…you haven’t had a “traditional” upbringing so perhaps that’s why your mom is so offended by you wanting to stick with this tradition.
Maybe you can sit your mom down and just explain to her how important it is for you to include both of them on this ceremonial walk toward the next phase of your life…her because she’s always been there and him because you’d like him to be there in the future.
Post # 7
@Tallgirl28: I would give her a choice. She can either be escorted to her seat while you walk down with your dad or she can walk with you and your dad. She will probably say, “I don’t want you to walk down with your dad” and I would just reiterate that that isn’t one of the choices. You love your father very much and don’t want to walk down the aisle without him. She needs to respect that.
Just a side rant, I have seen so many of these posts, and I wish for just one day parents could put aisde their differneces to support their children. It’s so sad that they do this to you.
Post # 8
Its not her wedding, its yours and thats for you to decide.
I have a similar story, my mom and dad divorced when I was 7 but my dad was still in my life. My brother and I would go over to his house every other weekend. My mom remarried to my step dad and she “assumes” that he raised us. I dont feel like he did but my mom seems to think so. Years ago, when I was probably still in highschool (im 23 now) she mentioned how she wonders how my wedding is going to play out and how my dad will feel when my step dad walks me down the isle. I didnt say anything to her about it bc back then, there was no wedding or marraige in my future that I knew of. The last thing on my mind was getting married or worrying who was going to walk me down the isle.
Needless to say, now that marriage has came into play in my life, my biological dad will be walking me down the isle. Im not sure if my mom still assumes that my step dad will be walking me down the isle or not but I guess we will find out.
Post # 9
Three words……… Not. Her. Choice. It’s a
ways been my dream to have mt dad walk me down the isle, and it have a similar situatioN. I’m sorry your mom is reacting thus way!! hopefully, since your mom has supported you all these years, she will support you in this choice!
Post # 10
@megz06: I like this idea. It gives the mom a voice in terms of which option she prefers, but allows OP to stay firm in having her dad walk her down the aisle.
Post # 11
@Tallgirl28: I think the question is what do you want?
Do you WANT your father to do it? Do you want him to do it to try and build more of a relationship together? Because you feel like your relationship is stronger now and you want to honor that?
Do you NOT want or are you indifferent to him walking you down the aisle, but you are afraid of hurting his feelings, or do you not want to loose the vision of the father walking and giving the daughter away?
Do you WANT your mother to walk you? Again would that be because it would mean something to you or are you just concenred about how she would feel. Would you be sad of she didn’t do it?
It doesnt sound like an easy situation. I would just ask yourself what you want and why. Once you feel confident in your desires and the reasons – just stick to that and go with it. Remember, its your wedding so you get to choose. That means you can have anyone walk down with you. Your fiance can meet you half way, your maid of honor can do it, a brother, male friend, female friend, fiance’s father, etc. Or any combination of the above. Do what makes you feel good and confident. 🙂
Post # 12
@HappinessIsInDaisies: I want my Dad to walk me down the aisle. I think that we have a good relationship and our personalities(silly) are very similar. Ideally I would like him to walk me, and when the Officiant says “Who gives the woman…” I want them to say “We Do”.
Post # 13
I really hate when parents put their children in this position (and am grateful that my own mother didn’t).
It is your wedding, and your choice. If your relationship with your father is such that you want him to walk you down the aisle, than that’s what you should do. You’ve suggested a compromise, and if your mother is not willing to bend, than that is her problem. What she is doing to you is incredibly unfair, and if it was my own mother, I wouldn’t hesitate to tell her as much.
Post # 14
@parada: I hope so. She has always been an awesome mom. My FI was also raised my a single mom so I would like to try to figure out a way to honor both of them. Maybe something at the reception. FI says that the wedding ceremony is not the time to make a statement about our parenting, and I agree.
Post # 15
- Wedding: October 2013 - Tybee Island, GA
my mom (and most of my mom’s family) doesnt even want to invite my dad. He was basically a dead beat as i was growing up. While he had another daughter he raised; he wanted nothing to do with me. Over the years though we have casually contacted one another… But my mom’s side is the ones that raised me! I love them to the moon and back; and they are the reason i am who i am now; and i dont want any of them to feel like they arent enough for me to where i need my dad… but even if i honestly REALLY wanted my dad there and i invited him; my family would respect that and would be over it the day after. lol But long story short; i’m respecting that of them and not inviting him. Yet he and i arent close… i dont even call him “dad” lol. But that’s me; not you. but i understand where your mom is coming from when she is the one that was here for you; and she is the one that raised you when he wasnt there. It’s your wedding have it the way you want it. If you want the traditional fairy-tale wedding have your dad walk you down the aisle. If you want them both to; do so. Your mom will be over it in a couple of days im sure…. until you show her the pictures. lol. I had a friend have her dad walk her down the walk way to the aisle to where her mom was standing; and her mom took over and walked her to the front. (i thought that was sweet) but thats an idea if your mom dont want to be together.
I hate this for you, and wish you the best! Good luck. either way someones feelings are going to be hurt: either your dads if he cant walk you down the aisle, or your moms if she has to see your be a part of your wedding
Post # 16
@Brideonabudgetlauren: I’ll see what my mom thinks about the halfway thing. That might work. But it seems like she doesn’t want to share the “credit” of raising me.