Post # 1
My fiance and I are having a small wedding in Hawaii, basically family only and very close friends. My parents have offered/insisted to pay from the moment we got engaged for our wedding. We are having a beach cermony and our reception venue is right on the beach, but a small place, perfect for our amount of guests. My parents are now wanting me to invite their friends, who I have actually never met. I do not want them to attend nor does my fiance, but my parents are not taking no for an answer and are insisting that I invite these people. They are now throwing it in my face that they are paying for the wedding and that they need these people there the day of the wedding for moral support in giving their daughter away. I feel very stuck in the middle between my fiance and parents. I got into agrument with my mom this evening about it, while I was trying to stand up for myself saying that it is my wedding and I don’t want to invite people I have only heard of and never met. I dont want it create drama or a rift because these people aren’t going and now fiance is insisting that they will not be invited as this was supposed to be a small and intimate wedding. And to top it all off I have still not received the final head count of our invited guests and we if we go over our limit of guests I will have rebook a different reception venue for a larger group that will most likely by a ballroom, if I am lucky to find one in a short amount of time. Any advice, anyone having/had similar experiences, or words of comfort would be great. Thanks for letting me vent!
Post # 3
sounds a lot like my parents, and a lot like my wedding, however luckily for me my parents didnt demand any of their friends to be invited. Probably because they don’t have very many friends. Although, my parents end up throwing any help they give us back in my face.
Just tell them you don’t want the uninvited guests there and if they wont budge, tell them you don’t want their money. It’s your wedding, make it how you and your man want it, it’s your day, you way. If they dont like it then too bad.
Good luck with it all xxx
Post # 4
I believe it’s up to the hosts.. which would be your parents. Since they are paying for it, they have a right to invite who they like.
Post # 5
@dreams030684: At this point, your have to side with your FI. If you don’t want them there, you don’t have to.
Tell your parents that’s the rule or they can take their money back.
Post # 6
@dreams030684: I’d calmly explain to your parents that if your venue is completely full, you unfortunately won’t be able to invite their friends, as it would mean booking a new venue, losing a deposit, etc.
However, if you are able to squeeze them in, I honestly don’t see a problem. Your parents are being generous enough to pay for your wedding, and having those friends there clearly means a lot to them… Heck, even if they weren’t paying, why not make them happy? It’s not a huge deal – for all you know, those two friends might turn out to be the nicest people on this planet.
Post # 7
@dreams030684: Honestly? I just don’t see the big deal about inviting these people. Its one couple and not an unreasonable request for your parents to make – particularly if they are paying for the wedding. I think it very ungrateful of your fiance’ to accept your parents money but refuse to accommodate this relatively minor request. If you and/or he want it to be entirely YOUR wedding – with no compromising for anyone else – then you should also make the bills entirely yours.
Post # 8
@dreams030684: I am going through the EXACT same thing. A few days ago it was my parents doing it (they added 8). Yesterday my MIL did it (she added 2). There are more strangers than that who our parents invited to our wedding, but at least they were on the original guest list and have been accounted for. They sure love to use that”we’re paying for it” excuse, don’t they? Hugs to you, I know what you’re going through. Try to cheer up and focus on your fiancé.
Post # 9
I’d concede if there’s room, since they are paying for it. Since you’re having a destination wedding, their friends might not even go.
Pick your battles.
Post # 10
I can really sympathize- we have had a lot of issues around our wedding. My parents are paying for it, and being incredibly generous about everything. They are also being very gracious- and not throwing it in our face that they are paying. However- they are involved in every decision- and have a tendancy to become quite difficult if things aren’t as they want. In particular my FI really struggles- I think he feels all the decisions should be ours alone and doesn’t want my parents involved at all (whilst I feel they should have a say- specially as they are paying for it all). On the other hand- whenever he expresses an opinion about something my mum then automatically takes up the opposite view, and spends time trying to undermine his decisions (or trying to get my to pick/ agree on the thing he doesnt want). It’s quite exhausting, and we have had quite a few arguments. I just want everyone to be happy- just wish they’d all be a bit more understanding…
with regards to your dilemma- how many people are your parents wanting to add? If it’s just a couple- fine, let them. It’ll make them happy and wont really affect numbers. However if it’s more than that I would say something. I’d say that you are incredibly grateful for all their help and support with the wedding, really appreciate it etc etc but ultimately it is your wedding, and as your numbers are limited you don’t want lots of people you don’t know at your wedding. I think it’s about striking a careful balance between keeping parents happy but not letting them dictate everything just because they are paying. As someone else mentioned- it’s about picking your battles.
Post # 11
And this is exactly why FI and I are paying for the wedding ourselves.
I know my parents are going to do that to me (esp. since we come from a big family), but I only want 40 people max at my wedding. The wedding is two years away and even now they’re saying “Oh so and so is coming, same with this person.” etc.
I think you should let your parents know that you feel uncomfortable adding people you don’t know to share such a momentous occasion. It is supposed to be FI’s and your day, not your parents’ day for a social event.
But I do agree with PP’s when they say that if your parents are paying for it, they should have some say. It just depends on whether they’re going to take your feelings into account.
Post # 12
Thank you for the replies and support. Sorry if I sound spoiled or ungreatful. We are truly greatful to my parents generous gift of paying for our wedding. Our guest list is only 25 people, so 4 additonial people make a big difference, especially when 15 people have rspved yes, and I know 4 more are going, but just have simply not sent their rsvp back. If everyone does rsvp yes, then our venue/room will be at capacity. And I made sure to review the list and options with everyone involved, both sets of parents and of course fiance, so everyone was/is aware of space and if my parents from the begining told me they wanted them on the guest I would have been prepared to plan for them. I have tried talking to my parents in a calm manner, but I get no where. And we are thinking of rejecting their funds and paying for everything ourselves. Again, thanks for the replies!
Post # 13
@dreams030684: I would say rejecting the funds would be the best way to go with it, if you definitely don’t want the extra people there. It will save you a lot of hardship, but your parents may give you sh*t for it. Just be prepared for that. But know also that you will probably be happier on your wedding day knowing there aren’t a few complete strangers in attendance.