Weddingbee boards

So, I need some advice on how to approach this situation with my sister. She is dating an apparent loser. Help me, bees!

Background: My sister is nearly 23 years old, the youngest child. She is extremely intelligent and has always been something of an artsy free spirit. A few months after graduating university last year she moved to a new city, where she knew no one, for a job in her field. It's a great job in a highly competitive field and she is supporting herself entirely.

Since moving to this new city, she has fallen in with a less than savory crowd, and from this crowd she has begun dating a guy who sounds like a real loser. I have not had the opportunity to meet him myself, but my parents have and they disapprove big time. Not that they think he is a bad person, just that she could do so, so much better. (My parents are really cool and I trust their judgment.)

Her boyfriend is 28 years old with no college education and two dead-end part-time jobs. He lives with his unstable alcoholic mother for his own financial reasons. He evidences no ambition in life for his career. He plays in a band with some friends and it would appear his life's purpose is to hang out with them and drink alcohol. Additionally, the two guys that my sister dated previous to this one were cut from the same cloth (6 to 10 years older, no education, no job, no ambition, crazy families). The previous relationships have lasted less than a year, and she is only a few months in with this guy.

My sister insists that she is just dating these guys to date them, she is not "planning on getting married to them." She says she likes her boyfriend because he is nice and fun to hang out with. She states that it is not important to have shared life goals, similar ambitions and beliefs, and similar-ish backgrounds, etc. for you to have a successful relationship. Obviously I know you can't choose what family your SO comes from, but you still have to consider whether they are the type of people you want in your life as part of the package, and she has openly stated that the families are terrifyingly awful.

My mom is panicking that my sister is going to get really emotionally involved despite what she says, fall in love, and marry this guy or someone just like him. I agree that my sister seems to be in a pattern of dating loser guys. I don't understand why she is attracted to these guys who are going nowhere fast, while she herself is doing so well.

How can I talk to my sister about her loser boyfriend streak? Have you ever been in a similar situation, and if so what did you do?

You should not try and talk her out of it. The more people will try and tell her that he's not a good choice, the more she'll get protective of him and their relationship. Just be there for her; eventually, she'll see the gap between them and she'll make choices. She's still very young, we all need to go out with our share of frogs before finding (and appreciating!) Prince Charming... I probably would not have noticed my Prince Charming, had I not been young and stupid, dating losers!

I'm afraid I agree with the PP, there's not really a way to talk her out of it.  I dated a not-so-great guy for almost 4 years that my parents never really liked.  It's possible I would have taken my friends' word for it since we all hung out together so much but they liked him well enough, or else didn't speak up until things were going downhill and I was already starting to catch on.  My little sister in particular REALLY liked him and when she started dating a guy that was rather similar to my ex we all held our breaths but it worked out in the end. 

Just be there for her and try not to say I told you so when they do (hopefully) break up. 

22 is super young so I doubt she's anywhere near thinking about marrying anybody. My family hated lots of guys I dated and it was super annoying. I eventually found a great guy and married him. She'll be fine.

Just for a little perspective.  When I met my fiance, he had just gotten a dui, so he lost his license, and didn't have a car & was working at office max and living on the second floor of his roommates' house.  My mother and sister thought he was a loser, and actually confronted me about it.. it was very hurtful.

These things didn't define him - they just happened to be his current situation.  He had just gone thru a really awful divorce, lost any rights of seeing her child, who he had essentially raised, had a couple beers at the bar to let of some steam, and that's when he got caught driving... Not having a car limited his ability to get jobs... HE didn't finish college because he dropped out to get a job to support his fiance and her child, so that she could stay at home...  but they didn't care about what the reasons were - they just wanted me to run the other way.

I loved him, and I knew the real him. He loved me, regardless of how I looked, he put his family above his own needs, he took care of a son that wasn't his, and was devistated when he was taken from him... he was a HARD worker, and would bike 5 miles each way to get to work, at all hours of the day... but they refused to see any of this.. they only saw what was on the surface.

4 years later, he is almost done with his business degree.  He has a license and a nice new car, he is working on getting an internship in his field, and would do anything to make me happy.  I don't know if they have changed their minds at all, but they definately don't speak up about it anymore...

Sometimes there are two sides to every view of a person... just wanted to share my story..

I have not tried to talk her out of dating him and don't plan to----that way lies dragons! My mom has tried to talk her out of it with previous loser boyfriends and my sister gets really really defensive, of course. This time around, my mom has gone out of her way to play nice. I do not think she has said a word against him, though I am sure my sister still knows that she doesn't approve.

I guess I am looking for a middle road. How can I/my mom be supportive of my sister but not of her choice? We don't want to drive her away, but neither do we want her to assume that we approve of him or that we like him as her boyfriend, because we don't. I want her to wake up and realize that she should have higher standards for herself and that the people in her life should live up to them. She has just set the bar so low, but anytime you question where she has set the bar she claims that you are being disciminatory and unfair.

Oh my gosh, do we have the same sister? Same age, same "smart and artsy" personalities and everything! My sister has dated emotional and sometimes, physically abusive guys. I won't get into details, but it got to a point where her most recent BF and her had screaming matches where he would throw things at her and tell her she was worthless. It was AWFUL. At t his point, she was still living at home with my mom, and at one point, my mom talked calmly with her and said that she had to get out of this relationship. The sad part was, my sister knew it was toxic, but she "loved him."

Basically, our entire family said that we disaproved of the relationship, and she needed to get out of it because she deserved someone a million times better. I don't think it worked. We were never be mean to her or anything, just the opposite. She was responsive at first, and then pretty much just kept dating him.

Eventually, she ended it. When it comes down to it, based on her pattern, she has low self-esteem and immedietly falls "in love" with all her boyfriends, which end up treating her like crap a few months in. She now is aware of her pattern, and we *think* she's dating a better guy now. She also went into therapy.

I'm not sure if that helps, but it was more of a "hey! we're in the same boat" story :)

I have to agree a bit with the other girls.

It seems your sister and I have similar personalities, free spirited, independent, etc. Well a couple years back I started dating a loser, he was cocky and selfish and controlling. How it took me a year to see that, I have no idea - but my parents told me repeatedly how they disliked him, as did many others in my family - aunts, friends, my older sister. And I know they tried to like him, and tried to see what I saw in him... 

but no matter how many people tried to show me who he really was, I didn't listen. and it is important for you to share with your sister how you feel exactly, very tactfully and lovingly. My older sister did that for me perfectly- she made a phenomenal effort to get to know him, but finally told me she didn't feel it was right for me and I was a different person and she didn't like him - but she also made sure I knew that she still loved me no matter what, and would always be there for me. 

When my loser ex and I finally broke up after a year, my sister was there for me in ways that wouldn't have been possible if she hadn't been honest and showed me love.

well a year later I met my fiance, we've been together a little over a year and are getting married in two months- and my parents and family couldn't possibly love him more, they already treat him like a son. 

so basically, just be honest, but make sure she knows you love her no matter. she has to be free to live her own life, but even the most independent and free spirited girls alive - like to know they have a place to go back to - someone to go to when things fall apart.

you sound like a really great sister. so I think everything will be ok.